Leave Your Husband Alone

I recently read an article that really struck a cord with me about marriage. Let me preface this post by stating that I have been married for 36.5 years and we have eight children (and 5 grandchildren so far). Together, we have survived homelessness, medical emergencies, cancer, pulmonary embolisms, sleep deprivation, financial crisis and a host of other stresses that could have derailed us.

The one thing I had to learn to love him right: Leave him alone.

The article referenced above, My Husband Won't Grow Up, (click to read) is what sparked this blog post. What the author of the article writes is something I've seen repeatedly in churches and among Christian couples and I find it very disturbing.

Here are a few things I take issue with:

#1, The article is written with an assumption that the wife's perspective of being the more mature one is a right perspective. It is not. Therefore, the entire article fails from the start.

#2, The author said, "As his wife, you have the delicate role of protecting your husband’s vulnerabilities while also calling forth his strength." I can't find this in Scripture. This places the wife in the role of the Holy Spirit in her husband's life, misleading and misguiding young wives to have an agenda for their husbands. We wives have no such role in our husband's life. The sooner a wife realizes this, the better her marriage will be.

#3, The author said, " If God has truly given you more maturity, wisdom, and strength than your husband has, this means that you have much more power in your relationship than he does. How are you using that power?" Marriage is not about power and there should never be a power struggle in a marriage. The only viable power in a marriage is the power of the Holy Spirit and He does not need wives to act on His behalf toward their husbands. The best thing any wife can do for her husband is to let go of him and stop trying to be the Holy Spirit in his life. God does not need our help to make our husbands "man up" because "manning up" is a man-made idea. Whatever our husband are going to be is not up to us as wives. This author sounds like a wife with an agenda to change her husband....and she's way out of line. She needs to go back to the greatest commandment and the 2nd one, which is like unto it.....love the Lord thy God with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbor as yourself. Wives need to get out of the Holy Spirit's business and leave their husbands alone. "Lean not on your own understanding...."

#4, The author presumes every man needs a mentor or father to teach them manhood. The Bible does not teach this and there are many examples of young men who thrived in "manhood" when their main influence was their mother (Timothy, King Lemuel and Solomon to name a few.) This teaching is very mainstream in our churches, yet marriages are failing all around us. I see why. This is Secular Humanism and it breaks my heart when I see it being taught to young couples. It creates false expectations that chip away at a marriage little by little until it is destroyed or, at the very least, unsatisfactory.

#5. The author quotes Dr. Daniel Levinson's book, Seasons of a Man's Life, where he said that every man needs three things to be fulfilled in life: A dream, a wife who believes in him and a mentor to show him the way. This is directly contrary to Scripture. What every man and every woman needs is Jesus Christ. Period. Nothing more. To teach otherwise is Secular Humanism. A wife cannot choose Jesus for her husband, either; she can only choose Him for herself.

I have a better idea for wives who think their husbands are too immature. Those wives need to be praying for their husbands. Pray for him, then leave him alone. Pray for him, then trust that the Holy Spirit is capable of working in his life without your interference or assistance. Pray for yourself that you would have a right relationship with God....which will result in leaving your husband alone. *Trey, a young man in our church, came to my husband about his wife, *Cassie, who would not come to church or get baptized. Trey came alone every Sunday, even though Cassie professed faith in Christ. Trey wanted Cassie to not only come to church, but get baptized and join. He hounded her about it, but she would have none of it. So, my husband's advice: Stop talking to Cassie about it and simply pray about it. Just pray but leave Cassie alone. Within 2 months, Cassie came to my husband on her own and asked about baptism. She was baptized a couple weeks later.  To this day, Cassie is an active integral part of their local church and Trey learned the power of prayer in his marriage and in another person's life. (This is a true story; names were changed.)

Those who doubt the power of prayer are those who I suspect have never tried it. They can't see its power because they have not experienced it first hand. It takes a leap of faith to believe in and practice prayer, but I challenge any woman who is thinking their husband needs to grow up to simply pray for him without interference or nagging. Just prayer. Then wait and see what good the Lord has in store.

Girls, we are not our husband's mothers. We are not authority figures in their lives (nor they in ours, but that's for another blog post). We have no right to declare ourselves more mature and then scheme to bring what we think is maturity into their lives. If there's a real problem, talk to him like a mature person. Communicate your frustration without accusation. It is not our job as wives to bring our husbands into manhood. This is a myth that is destroying marriages. Our "job" as wives can really be summed up in the greatest commandment and the second, which is like it: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbor as yourself.

Loving the Lord your God will all your heart soul and mind will teach you how to use a mirror. It will teach you that when you look in a mirror, you see your own reflection, not your husband's, and your own reflection is the only thing you can do anything about.

A number of yeas ago, I gave a devotional at a young woman's wedding shower at church. I spoke
these very words at that shower, telling that young woman, and all the listeners, that leaving her husband alone in this regard is the best way to love him. I told the group that it's not our job to fix or change our husbands; that's the job of the Holy Spirit. Afterward, an 83-year-old woman came up to me in tears. She said, "You are so right! If only someone had told me this early in my marriages. If only! It would have saved me a lot of unnecessary heartache." She'd been widowed and married again, yet struggled with this in both marriages. She had learned the hard way that it wasn't her job to change or fix her husband; that he belonged to God and God would shape and mold him as He saw fit.

Go, love your husbands....and leave them alone.
~Tricia

Why Patriarchy is Bad for Your Marriage, Your Family and Your Church

The Christian culture of the west generally embraces patriarchy as God's best, as true Biblical teaching and as the expected for our families.

I disagree. I feel that patriarchy is bad for you, bad for your family and bad for your church. I'll tell you why.

Patriarchy goes against God's ideal. I've heard the argument that because God said to Eve after she sinned, "Your desire will be toward your husband," (Genesis 3:6) therefore, God wants women to be focused on their husband, indicating that marriage is an ideal for a woman and good women get married.

This is not God's ideal. God's ideal was the garden before sin. 

It's interesting to note that a woman's desire toward her husband is a punishment. Eve's desire was toward God before the fall and the desire toward a husband is a prediction of what will be, (i.e. her desire will be away from God) not God's ideal of what should be. God puts this husband-ward desire in the same category as increased pain in childbirth. As a person who has given birth to eight people, I can tell you first hand, it isn't pleasant.

This is not a command; it's a prediction. It should not be taught as something to strive for because it was a result of sin and part of the curse. Christ undid the curse through His death, burial and resurrection. The price for Eve's sin has been paid, as it has for Adam's and as it has for yours. We women are free to have our desire to be totally toward God, not our husbands. We no longer have sin in the way of our relationship with God, therefore we no longer have any human interference with our relationship with God. We no longer have to war with a desire toward a husband competing with a desire toward God. We can be all about God all the time now because that punishment has been paid.

Do not teach a young wife that having a "desire toward her husband" is what God wants for her. Quite the contrary, God wants her to love the Lord her God with all her heart, soul and mind and to love her neighbor as herself. 

Patriarchy goes against Paul's teachings and practices. Every time a man talks with me about this subject and we turn to Ephesians 5:22 & 23, his voice nearly booms when he says a wife is to submit to her own husband, but his voice quiets when he says the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.

Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. Wives are never given this command outside of loving our neighbors as ourselves, a command given to every Christian and every Jew. Yet, the emphasis taught to our young women is sacrifice to their husband. This is not to say that women shouldn't have a sacrificial love for their husbands, it's just that it's not a specific command for women in that way. For the man, this is commanded, specifically.

What I've seen is men being taught this with a condition. The condition is given first in these teachings. "Wives, submit; husbands, love." It's taught as though his responsibility and even his ability to obey the command hinges on his wife's submission. The command for husbands to love is not conditional on the wife's submission or lack thereof. It is a command. It is not optional. No matter what she does, no matter what she says, no matter how she feels, he is only in compliance with the Biblical command if he loves her as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. He does not get to claim that he can't love her as Christ loves the church because she won't submit. If that were true of Christ, we would all be hopeless.

What does that look like in our western culture? How does Christ love the church? The church does nothing for Him. He created her, purified her, died for her, rose from the dead for her and lives so that she can live, grow and thrive. So, that's what husbands are to do. While a man cannot create a wife, he can convince a woman to become his wife.  He can give up his desires for her (die to himself for her), make sure her needs are met and forgive her all her weaknesses. He is commanded to sacrifice his all for her. The remote. The football. The toys. The golf. The night out with the boys. The sports car. Everything. That's how Christ loves the church. He gave up everything because He is all about her all the time. 

Patriarchy does not support this.

Patriarchy created false roles for men and women and teach that those roles are God's plan. This one baffles me every time I hear it. I personally know some men who believe that all women who work outside the home are out of God's will for their lives. I know some women who feel the same way. I know a couple of men, preachers, who claim they only preach to the men in their church. How bizarre is that?  I wonder how Jesus would have told Mary, as she sat at His feet learning from Him, that His Words are only for the men. He, of course, did not and would not do that because Jesus is an equal opportunity Savior. He doesn't care if you're a man or a woman, boy or girl, He will talk with you, teach you, save you.

If I was ever in a church where the pastor said he only preaches to the men, I would leave that church. I was in a church once where the pastor only communicated with women through their husbands. I left that church.

Men and women were not given roles by God. There is no Scriptural support for such an idea. Biology does dictate a few roles. Women's bodies are designed to grow babies and give birth, then feed a baby, so there's a designated role. However, motherhood does not exclude women from other roles. If it did, the Proverbs 31 woman was completely out of God's will, as was Deborah, Hildah, Lydia, Priscilla, Esther, Ruth, Naomi, Sapphira, Junia, Abigail, Anna, Dorcas and a host of other women whose lives were highlighted in the Bible.

I've also heard men teach that the only reason God ever used a woman was because a man was not available. Are you telling me that the God of all creation, the God who made people out of dust, the God who made dust out of nothing, was not able to raise up a male person to do a job so He, even He, the Creator of all things living and non-living, had to resort to using a woman? Anyone who teaches this should not be teaching at all because they do not know a thing about God. That is messed up theology.

Galatians 3:28 clearly teaches that gender has no place in our walk with Christ. "For there is neither Jew nor Greek, bond or free, male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Those who treat women differently are out of the will of God. Many who do this like to say women are "different, but equal" but that does not work. The "but" in that sentence minimizes women by its very use. Also, that phrase assumes that men are prominent. A much better way to avoid the minimization of women is to say "women and men are equal while different."

Patriarchy creates false pride in men. Many men I've  talked to about this subject get very upset with me, raise their voice, take Scripture out of context and exaggerate my position. Pride. Apparently, my ability to articulate a Biblical position that differs from theirs is great cause for concern on their part. Do I bruise their ego? (If so, I don't care; it's not my job to protect anyone's ego.)

The bottom line on this is patriarchy creates false pride. Pride has no place in marriage, the home or the church. The false pride created by patriarchy is damaging to the home. It leads to abuse every single time. Because it's not God's ideal, men find themselves pushing for patriarchy without God. This push is usually met with push back and disrespect. In turn, the woman pushing back is made to feel guilty as though she's doing something wrong, the man reinforces that idea because his ego is bruised and a cycle of abuse results. Instead of him sacrificing for her as he's commanded, he pushes her to submit to his abuse, claiming it's her "role."

A wife's submission is really none of her husband's business. It is between her and God and no one else. By it's very definition, submission is voluntary, so if it only comes through demand, it's not real submission, it's only compliance. Women will temporarily appear to submit to keep the peace and sometimes this is necessary for safety. But, while a woman might submit for a time just to keep peace, it won't last. She will rebel against this over time, and she should. No woman should submit due to a demand by another person. A woman who is all about God all the time needs no prompting to submit.

Patriarchy limits a woman's relationship and access to God. Some who hold to patriarchal teachings believe and promote that a husband is the "family priest," thus limiting a woman's access to God, Himself. This is prominently taught in many Christian circles, much to my dismay. Even a quick look at Scripture reveals the ignorance of such a notion. I Timothy 2:5 clearly tells us about this, "For there is one God, and one mediator between God and humanity, the man Christ Jesus."

Women do not need their husbands to be a priest in their lives. Not only do women not need this, to teach that a husband is a priest to her is poor theology and contradicts God, Himself. It's wrong to teach that anyone needs a priest other than Christ. We all, as believers in Christ's death, burial and resurrection, have direct access to Him at all times. We are told to come boldly to the throne of grace. We are not told to go to our husbands so that they can access the gates of Heaven; we are to approach it ourselves. (Hebrews 4:6)

Ladies, the Bible is talking to you. Directly to you. Not through a husband. To YOU.

Real men want a wife who is grounded in her theology.
Real men want a wife who approaches God Almighty with boldness and frequency.
Real men want a wife who loves the Lord her God with all her heart, all her mind and all her soul.
Real men reject patriarchy.

~Tricia

My First-World Life (Thanks to Veterans)

Today as I sit here and enjoy all my first-world privileges, get frustrated about my first-world problems and live in the lap of luxury in a carpeted house with full temperature controls and bathrooms galore and all kinds of entertainment at my fingertips, plenty of food in the house, things to support my hobbies, wifi as a given and stores all around me where I can buy whatever I want, whenever I want, and a car to drive me there and literally lacking nothing at all.....I will bask in my first-world life because of those who served and the so very many who gave their lives so that I can have such a luxurious, plentiful life. 

Yes, I care about those less fortunate in the world and give to missions that take the Gospel of Christ to them (since He is the only way to improvement of their lives), and also take medical services to them, etc. I give to them since I am unable to go myself. 

But, when someone minimizes an American hardship by calling it a first-world problem, I think, yes, that's right....we have first-world problems because we will not stand for anything less than the best because the best of all of us....our veterans....fought, died and gave up everything so that we could live this way. Basking in our first-world problems is a tribute to them because we are the USA and we will not live in a way that would appear to be less than the best because they gave so much for us to do so. So, buy that $5 cup of coffee, get that extra pair of shoes, go for a drive just for the fun of it, live in and enjoy the luxury our veterans bought for you, never forgetting who gave all this to you.

Freedom is Luxury.
Thank you, Veterans,
~Tricia

Fallout from a Good Sermon

For the past three weeks, in our quest for a church home, we've visited a church that we think just might become our church home. Finding a church preaching the Word and not worldly philosophy has been a huge challenge, but we might finally be at the end of our search.

Last Sunday, the senior pastor of this church preached a sermon on the whole armor of God. Since then, I have been driven to think about, ponder, look up and study the passages he preached from because his preaching was so spot-on that it fueled further study. 

This is fallout from a good sermon. 

This is what pastors want their people to do.

Many times, I'm looking up the sermon passage because I'm uncomfortable with the content of the sermon and I'm searching to see if what was preached was true to the passage. Mostly it hasn't been for the past three years. Mostly it's been a quest to feed myself the truth of a passage because whoever "preached" it did not. 

That has not been the case for the past three weeks. The first week we visited, they had a guest speaker, a missionary, and he was true to the text. The next week, the senior pastor preached and he was spot-on, just as he was this past week.

His text last Sunday was Ephesians 6:13-17 and he preached on the whole armor of God, focusing on the helmet of salvation and he referred back to Isaiah 59:16&17 where God sees no intercessor so He brought salvation unto him and he put on righteousness as a breastplate and the helmet of salvation and verse 20 where it says, "And the Redeemer will come to Zion...." and this has all served all week to nourish my soul.

He said the helmet of salvation guards my mind so I'll remember the permanence of salvation; that I have a future with Christ. We are saved from the penalty of sin. We are saved from the power of sin. 

Do you see what a good sermon can do for the heart of the people? It's Friday and I'm still contemplating this sermon and excited to hear more this Sunday. I take notes. I devour this. 

I do not have this reaction when a pastor preaches philosophy or some list of how to do this or that. I don't care how he feels about how anyone does this or that, I care about God's Word, which He manifests through preaching.

It's the preaching, people, not the program. It's not the style of preaching, either, because there is only one way to preach and that is expository. Anything else is not preaching.

This daughter of Abraham has been empowered, encouraged, strengthened and motivated.

If all programs were thrown out the window and only the preaching remained, God's Word, the ministry and the advancement of His kingdom would still thrive.

It's the preaching.

Get this.

~Tricia

What I Learned from Barbie

When I was a little girl, I had a Barbie doll. Mind you, I had only that one. I treasured that doll. Then one day, the dog chewed her up.

One of my sisters had a Barbie and she shared her with me from time to time, so I wasn't totally without Barbie in my life. A family friend had every Barbie imaginable  - and the playhouse! Imagine my joy when we played at her house. I remember wondering why she ever did any other thing besides play with those Barbies.

A few years ago, there was an uprising against Barbie because some felt she was too unrealistic to be a good role model for young girls. This confused me at the time, but I wasn't real motivated to say much about it. Today, however, I saw a commercial for Barbie that prompted me to write. It was an excellent commercial and hit on the points of how Barbie helped me in my life. Click here to see the commercial.

As a child, I never compared myself to Barbie. I never felt I had to measure up to her image. She
was/is just a doll and I knew it then as I know it now. I don't remember ever aspiring to look like her. My Barbie had long, blonde hair and I did not. I'm a brunette. I've always been short, so Barbie's comparable human height wasn't on my mind. She was pretty and to have something so pretty was what was important to me. She represented something I could hope to have because she showed me that something better, a prettier life away from violence and abuse, existed.

What was on my mind when I played with Barbie was what this commercial portrays.  It was all about what could be. What I could become. What could happen. Playing with Barbie was about the hope of something better. It was about thinking that I was good enough to own something pretty and something that didn't actually "fit" on our rustic farm.

Even when Barbie was being bashed, I still bought her for my daughters. A couple friends could not believe I would buy Barbie after all the negative news came out about her. But, I still thought Barbie was pretty and always wanted my girls to have pretty things. I also knew my daughters knew the difference between themselves and a doll, so they would not aspire to look like her. No one looks like anyone else, so the uniqueness of each of my daughters would not be compromised because they owned and played with Barbie Dolls. And, they wanted Barbie and I was so happy to be in a position to give them what they wanted every now and then.

Barbie Dolls were good for me as a child. Barbie represented hope and change and possibilities. Today, this is a relatively new thing for a toy company to represent, especially to girls, but Barbie has always represented this to me.

Thank you, Barbie.
~Tricia

I am Ruined

In our search for a church home, we have been visiting many different churches. We are having trouble, however, because churches are not preaching the Word, they are preaching a social gospel that does not represent God's Word nor His message for mankind. We are extremely saddened and frustrated by this. I have taken to listening to proper sermons I find online because my soul is hungry for God's Word and I can't find anyone preaching It.

They are preaching philosophy.
They are preaching ideas.
They are preaching secular humanism.
They are preaching nonsense.

Let me give you some examples of things we've heard from pulpits for the last 2 1/2 years:

Jesus is a replica of God.
If you put God in the copy machine, Jesus would come out the other side.
You own your spouse like you own your toothbrush.
A wife is just the husband in another body.
The entire book of Philippians is centered around the fight of those 2 women in chapter 4.
I am the pastor; I rule over your entire life and you have to raise your family the way I say. (This one wasn't said in so many words, but it was practiced with disastrous results.)
You have all the power to change your life.
God can't work without your cooperation.
You can stop God's plan.
I see things in the Scriptures that no one else ever sees.

Most churches we've visited are big on series preaching. They choose a theme and preach a series centered on that theme. One church chose "The Fight" and formed "Fight" clubs for men, women and children. One church chose "Unstuck" and is attempting to tell people how to get unstuck from what they perceive holds them back (from what I don't know because no one said). The list goes on. Churches are choosing these series and searching out God's Word for verses that support their series themes.

A series theme is chosen, then verses are looked up to support the series founder's ideas on what the series should represent. These verses, always taken out of context to fit, sound so good and so right and so reasonable that the people are blinded by their application. Their souls cry out, "Yes!" while their spirit, unbeknownst to them, is led astray and destroyed. Instead of going home from the sermon more acutely aware of how great God is and more keenly aware of how great a gift Christ gave, they are puffed up with "You can do this," "You can choose," "You hold the power," and their faith is chipped away by their inward focus. They begin to believe it's all about them and they look inward to themselves constantly to make sure they are exercising all that power the pastor said they have. Are you choosing the right response to your spouse? (God won't bless your marriage if you're not.) Are you making sure your tone is proper when you speak to your children? (They will grow up into ungodliness if you don't!) Are you using your time wisely and not being idle? (God will not answer your prayers if you don't.) And the list goes on. And while all this is happening and the saints are completely preoccupied with their own behaviors, no one in their circles is hearing the gospel from them and their message becomes "Me! Me! Me!" instead of "Him! Him! Him!" These are all lies. God is not bound by anything you do, say, think or feel.

Where is the cry of Isaiah? Where is the sure-footed doctrine of King David to exalt our living God instead of ourselves? Where is the terror of Daniel? Where is the boldness of Paul to preach only Jesus and Him crucified?

I am ruined. I cannot tolerate this shallow preaching and gross misrepresentation of God's Word. My husband was my pastor for 32 years. He does not preach this fluff. He does not allow a subject to determine a sermon. He only allows God's Word to determine a sermon. Right now, while we are working to plant a multi-ethnic church, we are searching for a church home to belong to, but it is  not to be found. We have visited every church within reasonable driving distance and have been repulsed by the preaching in every single one of them.

We fought for the gospel throughout our years of full-time ministry. I am astounded that some have never had to fight for the gospel. We had to fight hard to keep the Name of Jesus in the pulpit and on our lips. Amidst threats, assaults and character attacks, we kept on for Him. Once you fight that hard to even keep His Name on your tongue, you develop a complete intolerance for anything less.

Put every sermon you hear to the test. Hold it up to the light of the gospel and see if it measures up. If it contradicts even one attribute or character of God, it is rubbish. God will not violate His own attributes in His own Word and no sermon should do that, either.

If a sermon is not expository, I'm not listening. I'm done. I'm ruined.

~Tricia

Little Man Eats Dirt

 I just read a brief article about how some blogger criticized Ann Romney for having "another book" out on the market. On Your World with Neil Cavuto, Ann responded,

"To this blogger, I say: you know what? Don’t get in my way. Don’t say I can’t do something. I can write as many books as I want. And I can speak out as much as I want,"

Way to go, Ann! My first thought was to wonder who this guy is. My second was to ask who does he think he is.

It's interesting to note that I know who Ann Romney but had never heard of her critic. Who is this guy? Why is he so jealous of Ann Romney? I applaud and support her for writing all the books she wants and speaking out as much as she wants.

Here's the poor little man's tweet:

Kudos to Ann for writing about her MS and speaking out for those who suffer the same yet have no voice.

~Tricia