Living the Dream

Thanks to Facebook, I'm back in touch with a young woman who used to come to our house while her mother worked.  She's in many of our family pictures from that period when I babysat her, and I remember her so fondly.  She was a true delight in our lives and seemed to fit into our family seamlessly whenever she came.

Now, because of Facebook, I get to see her as a young mom herself and her children, even though I've never met them in person, are delightful to see in the pictures she often posts.  She's living the dream!  When I see her pictures, I also see the setting. Sometimes it's the park. Sometimes it's the living room. Sometimes it's a relatives's house. Sometimes it's a museum or a pumpkin patch.  Every time I see those pictures, I realize she's living the dream and I smile.

And, I realize I lived the dream when my kids were little, too.  I'm still living the dream.  Home with my kids, contentment abounds.  I have time to contemplate, time to feel what I'm doing, time to enjoy pictures of a family living the same dream and I rejoice.

Young moms, embrace and live the dream to its fullest.  You are not wasting your time, energy and education by staying home with your kids.  You are living the dream and it's truly remarkable to see children grow.  The dream changes over time, so be prepared.  I still have 3 kids at home and still love watching them grow, but now that I have 5 kids out of the house, I'm very acutely aware of the pace in which these last 3 will also leave home.

Nah, this isn't a wake-up call; I've been acutely aware of this for a long time.  But, today, I saw pictures of this young woman's children again and I was struck with the joy on their faces and the background of their home in the picture and it reminded me of myself, snapping pictures when my kids were being silly or performing a great feat of jumping over a bucket or some such activity.  

How I rejoice with and for this young woman, whom I have the privilege of knowing now, and also had the privilege of knowing when she, herself, was a little girl.  Keep on living that dream!

I see the same joy and dream in the faces of my 2 oldest daughters, who are now mothers themselves. My heart aches with longing as they are half a continent away and money is too tight to make enough trips to see them....(not to mention I can't just leave these other 3 kids home and take off like that).  So, I depend on pictures and Skype and frequent conversations via phone or text to keep up on what and how they are doing. And I'm ever so thankful that my daughters get to live the dream of raising kids and experience the joy of motherhood.

One never, ever gets over being a mom, no matter how old her kids get.  It's a lifelong joy. Right now, I'm on both sides of life with this one.  I have 5 kids grown and on their own, but I still have 3 at home. It's pretty cool to get to experience both phases at the same time, and it gives a perspective that I'm finding unique and fascinating.  

~Tricia

Ownership

As a child, my most precious memories aren't of being at home with my 7 siblings, or family dinners where we learned about each other's day.  Our home was always tension-filled with my father's drama in his alcoholism. When I look back, I see my most precious memories at my maternal grandmother's house.  She doted on us constantly, baked fresh cookies and cakes, never raised her voice and brought stability to my life in a way that nothing else did.  I didn't have many plans for when I grew up.  Seemed to me that actually surviving my dad's violence and growing up was enough of a goal. I had no room for thoughts of what I would do once I grew up. But, I did make one plan.  Because my grandma's house was so special, so peaceful, so wonderful and so delicious-smelling, I decided that would be my house when I was a grandma.  I was going to be my Mammow Leach.  All my grandchildren would come to Sunday dinner and watch me bake and I'd warn them not to "gom" their cookies all over the floor and I would smile and I would look just like Mammow Leach.

Now I have grandchildren; 2 of them.  Just last year at this time, my then 5-year-old grandson sat in my kitchen watching me bake and he said, "You sure know how to bake!" and he loved watching me and I told him what the flour would do once I put all the other ingredients in it and we made a marvelous memory.  And he lived with us for 6 months, he and his mom, while his dad was deployed to Afghanistan.  And we made a myriad of memories in that time.  Then he went home.  To the east coast.  And I remained in Minnesota.

And, I have a granddaughter who is the definition of beautiful, and smart and energetic and fascinating and awesome and thoroughly amazing. And I've only seen her in person once. And she's never been to my house.  She lives in VA with my daughter and her husband.  And I honestly don't know when I'll see her - or them - again.  Money is tight. Time is tight.  Minnesota is a long way from Virginia.

Ministry has brought us to Minnesota.  Our last ministry had us in New York for 19 years.  Most of our 8 children grew up in NY and they have a history there.  They have no history in MN, although each and every one of them serve the Lord in some capacity whenever they visit us here.  I was honestly unprepared for this side-effect of ministry; this side-effect being that we have no "homestead" as most people think of a homestead.  There is no permanent home. Home is defined by where we are at the time, not by the history of one place or another like when I was a kid.

If I could, I would insure that my kids are always geographically close enough for the occasional Sunday dinner with the family where we could make the same memories I have.  But, the reality is, even if all my kids suddenly moved to Minnesota to be close to us, the ministry could easily move us to Arizona!  All this has me thinking of ownership quite a bit, so I made a list of things I used to think I own but realize I don't.

1.  I don't own my kids.  That "mother hen" instinct is strong and I had it in mega-doses since I have such a large family.  But, the bottom line is, they are going to grow up and they are going to have their own lives and I have to let them.  If that leads them to Iraq, so be it. If that leads them to the coast while I live in the heartland, so be it. I do not own them. While they love me and I love them, I don't own them and part of loving them is letting them live their own lives.  I see many parents who struggle with this and clip the wings of their kids so they'll stay close, but clipping wings doesn't work in the long run.  They end up going farther from us in their hearts than they ever would have geographically.  With fully-spread, un-clipped wings, they are free to fly to the ends of the earth, then back home again.  And they will come home, but it will be their home, not mine. (And we have Skype and that really, really helps!)

2. I don't own my marriage.  It may come as a surprise to some people, but the person we marry is an entirely separate person!  The only thing I own in my marriage are my own choices and behaviors.  I don't own him and can't tell him how to live his life.  I'm not his manager; I'm not his boss; I'm not his mom; I'm not in charge of him. I'm also not in charge of how my marriage is; I'm only in charge of my own actions, choices, and words.  I don't own him.

3. I don't own the ministry.  This might be tough for one who is a pastor's wife, since the ministry affects our lives daily in nearly every area, but we still don't own it.  We can't manipulate an outcome just because we don't like how it might affect our lives otherwise.  The ministry is God's and God's, alone.  I know first hand how the ministry affects the daily life of a pastor's family.  While most other church members can go home and forget about church, the pastor's family can't do that. And, we live on the campus of our church, so it's a daily reminder that every single thing that happens is going to affect us in this house - and it does.  Still, I don't own it. The sovereignty of God is still in effect, even on the campus of any given church where the pastor and his family might live. I don't own it; I can't control it; I can't manipulate it.  This is the sole reason why I cringe when someone starts a ministry, then names it after themselves.  Yikes!  It speaks volumes; I couldn't do that.

So, those are the main 3 things that thinking about ownership has led me to concentrate on.  Letting go of ownership is incredibly freeing......it leads to deeper faith because we actually get to see God's sovereign will in action.  Romans 8:28 is true for my kids, my husband and the ministry, all the things that are primary in my life.

Because of God's sovereign grace in my life, I'm able to be a long-distance grandma with grace and peace. Not that I don't miss them - oh, my word, I miss them all the time!  But, I don't despair and wallow in self-pity because I can't see them every week.   I sure wish I could, but this is one of the prices that people in ministry pay.  At first, I was unprepared for this realization, but I'm ok now.  Because of God's grace.

~Tricia

Perspective!

We all need a new and different perspective on things from time to time.  Today, I got myself  a new perspective. I've always been interested in business planning.  I have run up to 5 home-based businesses at one time and love the business planning aspect of business.  I do not like the mundane of business, so my husband nearly always handles the books when it comes to our joint businesses or my private businesses.  Now, don't get me wrong. I am interested in business planning, not corporate business.  Right out of college, I worked in a small business office and it was ok work, but I didn't like the mundane tasks that had to be done over and over again each week.  I also worked a corporate job for a few months just a couple of years ago and I found the mundane parts of it nearly intolerable.  After all, I've been "free-lancing" for 28 years as a stay-at-home mom who can basically run my own schedule.

My interest in business planning led me to click on a news link that was about the weirdest questions asked during job interviews.  These were real questions taken from real-life situations and they were beyond interesting to me.  One interviewer asked, "If you were shrunk down to the size of a pencil and stuck in a blender, how would you get out?"  Another was, "How do you weigh an elephant without a weighing machine?"  I would love to be in a position to answer either one of those questions in competition for a real job!

As I thought about all the questions, there were 10 total, I began to think about business and money. After all, isn't money the  ultimate business goal?  The questions prompted me to think about how these businesses, in their quest to hire only the best, had become incredibly creative in their interview processes.  I think this is great.  When it comes to money, it doesn't look like I have much.  My bank accounts are low, my retirement plan went up in smoke and I have not been able to replace that, and my prospects look less than promising for a glowing financial future.

Yet, I calculated what I have earned and spent over the past 28 years and I realized that I am a multi-millionaire - literally!  I'm not talking about the emotional or spiritual value of raising kids and how that is worth far more than any bank account. I'm talking about real, grass-roots money that I have spent over the past 28 years in the raising of these kids.

FYI - we have 8 children.  The government estimates that it costs roughly $215,500.00 to raise one child to age 18, not including college.  Ok, let's be a little more conservative.  Let's say I spent only $200,000.00 on each child.  With 8 kids, taking them at their current ages, that adds up to more than $2M.  So, according to government calculations, I have spent over $2M raising these kids over the past 28 years (the age of my oldest).  No wonder I never feel out of place in a room full of wealthy people!  I'm one of them!

It must be what we do with all that money that makes a difference.  I used it to give 8 children life, love, security, discipline, responsibility, education, values, ambition, and drive, not to mention the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  So, while my accounts remain low, my satisfaction is high because I have been given the privilege of raising children, the best job on earth....and the only one that I pay to do instead of get paid to do!

The Scriptures tell us that "The love of money is the root of all evil," and, of course, we all know that to be Truth.  It takes money to raise kids, it takes money to live in this world.  I don't love money, butI have no animosity toward anyone who has lots of money.  Apparently, I had lots of money and gave it all away to people I gave birth to.

Hmmm.  What does my theology have to do with this?  Well, today, I was discussing pretty laundry rooms with a friend of mine. That discussion stemmed from me seeing pictures of Martha Stewart's laundry room, well one of them, anyway, at her Maine estate.  I commented how pretty it was and my friend talked about how happy retailers were with her, and with all women, because we like pretty laundry rooms and such.  He's right, retailers are happy when we spend and many of them probably love money.  But, money issues don't bother me because, apparently, I'm a millionaire!  Besides, you can get a pretty laundry room with lots of creativity and very little money.  My theology says God will provide, and He always has. My new perspective shows that He provided much, much more, even materially, than I ever realized!

But, even if He hadn't blessed me so much, He would still be good - all the time.
~Tricia