"A Particular Set of Skills"

In the movie, Taken, Liam Neisen's character tells his daughter's kidnappers, "I have a particular set of skills..." This is one of my favorite lines from the movie. It may surprise you to learn that I can relate to Liam's character, as I, too, have a particular set of skills.

Growing up, I did not know I had a particular set of skills. I was never anything special, just a little girl trying to survive my dad's horrid violence and abuse; trying to get through the day while I tried to anticipate what the next day held and how I would get through it. I honestly credit my sisters; they were my rock. I could always count on them.

My particular set of skills was activated one beautiful day in February of 1982. The day I became a mom. Suddenly, without warning, I was thrust into the full-time job of keeping another human being alive. I realize the pregnancy, itself, was the same thing, but that was easy enough since he was thoroughly protected within the uterine walls. Once outside that confinement, I was awestruck with the responsibility of his utter helplessness. Without intervention from another human being, he would die, even though he was strong and healthy. There was one human being particularly suited for the job: His mom. Me.

I took this seriously. A particular set of skills, that I didn't even know I had, was activated. Suddenly, I found myself fiercely protective of my little baby boy. In some ways, I was unprepared for the intensity of this set of skills. Later, a few incidents taught me that the intensity of a mother's love is not to be feared or disregarded.

This fierce mother-love has been a thing to be reckoned with over the years. I've never agreed with the idea that it takes a village to raise a child. That's too broad for me. I prefer to say that it takes committed parents to raise a child. In the case of single parenthood, it takes a committed parent. Did certain mission boards have a village mentality when the sexual abuse of missionary kids took place by several of their leaders? The parents, trapped by misleading leaders, fell into the trap of allowing others to see to what is best for their kids. This is a mistake. This is the exact reason I would never have made the grade with any of those types of mission boards. My kids would have always remained under my authority, which trumps all other authority. This would have been in conflict with the overriding methods and I'm quite sure I would have been deemed uncooperative and unfit for their purposes. I'd rather be deemed unfit than have my kids suffer abuse.

Fierce mother-love is condoned by our great God of the Bible. He knows no one does it better. He is the One Who gave moms this particular set of skills. Just read Isaiah 66.

My particular set of skills has been actively working for 31 years now and I have practiced the skills on all eight of my kids. This has given them security, confidence and power.

* It gives them security by teaching them that no matter what, Mom has their back. Security goes a long way for a child. Secure kids don't seek security in things of this world; they have no need to seek what they already have.

* It gives them confidence because, safe in the security of my defense of them, they are confident to defend themselves if need be. One of my sons was being approached by someone he felt was too aggressive for his comfort level. He said, "Do not approach me!" The man kept approaching him. My son said, "Do not approach me!" The man kept coming. My son, standing his ground, said for a third time, "Do not approach me!" And the man stopped and no longer approached him. When I heard about this later, I was incredibly proud of my son.

He was secure in his thinking that he did not have to tolerate aggressive approaches by an adult.

He was confident enough to demand the man stop and this enabled him to retain control of his own situation.

This leads to my third point:

* It has given them power. My son exhibited power over his own body, over his own situation and over his own outcome; and even over this adult who approached him. He did not want that man approaching him because he perceived him as aggressive. Whether the man was aggressive or not is completely irrelevant. If my son perceived aggression, he was right to treat the situation that way.

Young moms, be confident in your particular set of skills. Know that they are of God. Do not fall into the world's pattern of "it takes a village." It does not take a village. It takes YOU. Let no one, not even the most experienced people, not even leaders in your church, decide what is best for your kids.

~Tricia

About Listening

"Mommy, I am very angry with you!" said my then 5-year-old son.

A friend who was with us at the time was appalled and said, "You let him talk to you that way? I would never!"

My reply, "Talk to me what way? Telling me honestly how he feels? I see no disrespect in this. He's telling me how he feels and I'm glad." At that, I talked to my son, found out why he was angry with me, dealt with it and he moved on. I can't remember now why he was angry with me, but no doubt it had to do with some little-boy-thing which seemed very big to him at the time. 

I've made many mistakes in parenting my eight kids. I became a mom before I realized the full implications of becoming a mom - as most moms do - and was the mom of a basketball-team-sized family before I knew what hit me! I had no perfect answers for what being a mom meant and really no time to analyze my situation. If I had stopped to think about it, my thinking would have been quickly interrupted by someone needing a diaper change, or needing to be fed, or whatever they continued to need. Motherhood was upon me and I had work to do. Despite my imperfections as a mom, my kids have turned out to be wonderful, God-fearing people who have respect and compassion for all people. 

This is the grace of God. This is no small thing.

In all the hullabaloo I experienced as a mom, one thing was always important to me: my children needed to have a voice. For them to have a voice with me, it meant I had to listen to them. This is something I intentionally tried to do every day.

As a child reared in the home of a violent alcoholic, I had no voice. Having no voice is devastating to anyone, let alone a young girl being repeatedly abused. I was taught very early on that my voice had no merit, my thoughts did not matter, my opinions were not viable, my needs not worth mentioning, and that I was not worth listening to. Imagine the struggle to overcome such thinking.....thinking that had been reinforced time and time again by overbearing adults who were, in my life as a child, supposed to have authority. When those in authority abuse that privilege by downsizing any and all needs of those they have authority over, it produces a way of thinking that is far from what the Bible teaches.

So, because of this, my kids were always allowed to tell me if they were angry, frustrated, sad, lonely, etc. They were allowed to feel these things and they were, and still are, allowed to communicate these things to me. I still see no disrespect in them simply telling me how they feel, even if it's a negative feeling. Everyone gets angry, becomes sad, etc. These are not emotions to fear.

As a child, I did not speak out very often. Once, when my dad was yelling at the top of his lungs at one of my brothers for his bad grades, telling him how stupid he was, I tried to speak out on my brother's behalf. I told my dad that he should not call him stupid. At that, my dad turned on me and I thought he was going to kill me. I didn't speak out again. He was not listening. The only voice he wanted to hear was his own, and he didn't even listen to that one!

The Bible teaches that we all have a voice. Jesus listened to leaders and he listened to beggars. He listened to women. He listened to children. He listened to men. He healed. He fed. He taught. He treated all people the same. He did not get offended when people questioned Him. He simply told the Truth no matter what.

All people have a voice with the Savior.
He listened.
He really listened.
Listening to people gives them their voice. What a great gift!

Are you listening?
Do you know how to listen?
Today, practice listening. Just listen. You might be quite surprised at what you learn by simply listening.
~Tricia

Non-Negotiable

As a mom, I've always practiced a number of non-negotiable actions in rearing my kids. In recent conversations with one of my wonderful sisters, we've talked about parenting and how challenging it is to raise kids. She's had a few bad experiences with other people's kids lately while out and about. As the mom of eight kids, this is constantly on my mind. I'm always interested in what is best for my kids, always focused on what I can be doing to ensure they are going to grow up to know God and also be responsible adults. Here is a list of some non-negotiable things I've practiced over the years, along with the reasons for them:

God comes first - God commanded such (reason enough).

Rudeness will not be tolerated - Rudeness is a cruel form of abuse.

Respect is required - Loving me was up to them, but my kids had to show respect because God said so.

Saying "please" and "thank you" is required. Saying "please" destroys the notion that a child can demand anything. Saying "thank you" teaches a child gratitude, even if they are saying it because it is required. 

The lesson is still there.

Look me in the eye when you talk to me. Looking people in the eye when talking to them shows confidence and respect. This will take a child a long way in life. Even if they were saying, "Mommy, I don't want to..." (do this or that), they had to look me in the eye and say it.

I looked them in the eye when talking to them.  Even in times of discipline, I always tried to make sure they were looking at me, as though we were the only two people in the room, so they could fully understand what I was saying. This gives my words weight in their lives, shows them I am not taking things lightly, and that I respect them as a person.

Dinner is about more than just food.  With eight kids, life can get pretty hectic and life's lessons can get lost in the chaos.  I treated dinner as an event in our house - and I still do - because it was always such a rich opportunity to teach the kids.  A few non-negotiable things about dinner:

Everyone stays at the table until everyone else is finished eating.

Ask to be excused.

Food is served in serving dishes on the table, not out of the pan on the stove. 

(The exception to this is when I make a large pasta dish and serve it from the pan on the table or a big pot of soup served from the pot on the table. But, these pans are stove-to-table ready.)

Napkins are used.

Food is passed around the table in an orderly fashion.

No one starts eating until all food has been passed around.

Silverware is used. We generally set out all silverware - knife, fork, spoon - for each meal.

All dinner conversations include all dinner participants.

Everyone clears their own dishes.

Moving on from dinner: 

Toys are to be picked up before bed. There were times we tripped over toys a lot, but at the end of the day, they had to pick them up. I went by age - the 4-year-old picked up 4 toys, etc - and that worked well. The reason is obvious, everyone has to clean up after themselves in life. Starting young works best.

Each child was doing their own laundry by age 10. This has paid off big with my sons, whose wives LOVE the fact that their husbands help with the laundry and they did not have to be taught. We assigned laundry days and everyone does their own.

Mean what you say and say what you mean. I do not talk in riddles to my kids and make them figure out what I am trying to say. I do not allow my kids to talk in riddles, either. They have to look me in the eye and say what they mean, then they have to mean what they say. This makes them accountable to their own words; they own them, they have to live with the consequences of them. I've heard many parents make idle threats and their kids' behavior shows it because they are not taken seriously. If my kids acted up in church or out at a restaurant somewhere, all we had to do is say, "Do we need to go for a walk?" and they knew that meant trouble for them. They knew this because every single time we threatened to take one of them for a walk of discipline, one of us (my hubby or I) followed through and took them for that walk. So, they knew their parents would not throw out idle threats. I recall only a small handful of times I actually had to follow through, because the reality was a given and they knew it.

As parents, we are a united team; we will never be pitted against one another. If a kid says, "Dad said it was ok..." I always checked with their dad. They learned early on that we would do this. This not only protected them, it strengthened the family overall.

Young moms, if you're struggling with your kids' behavior, practice these non-negotiable things in their lives. It will make a huge difference in their behavior. This not only produces great kids, but it really makes parenting much easier!  I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent. My word, not even a chance Nor do I think I have perfect kids. My word, not even close. Mostly we adopted these practices out of desperation to retain control of our household. We had so many babies so very quickly, it was clearly evident early on that we had to be a united force, get and stay organized, and treat our kids like we want to be treated.

This is discipline. It works. Make 2013 a great year for your kids!

~Tricia

Who Are Those Men?

I heard male voices.  I looked at my husband and said, "Who are those men?  Who's talking out there?"

We were on vacation, my husband, myself and our two youngest sons, ages 14 & 16. No one else was at the cabin but the four of us, so hearing these deep male voices was a surprise to me.  I listened. A minute passed. The men kept talking.

Then I knew.

Those men are my little boys!

My, oh, my. In an instant I was taken back to the time, when my oldest son was 12 years old and I awoke to a man's voice in the house.  I was frantic for a minute, jumping out of bed and running down the stairs to see who the kids had let in the house without my knowledge.  As I got down the stairs, breathless, my 12-year-old said, in a deep, unrecognizable voice, "Hey, Mom."

What?  I demanded, "Why are you talking like that?"

"I'm just talking, Mom, not 'like' anything."

My boy.  There was no cracking of the voice over a months-long process of his voice changing. It was overnight. Instantaneous. Irreversible.

My, oh, my.

My now 16-year-old, my 4th son,  has had his deep voice for some time now, as has my 14-year-old. But something clicked inside me when I heard the two of them talking and sounding like men.

I see many of my younger friends on facebook expressing how overwhelming their little ones are at times. And I smile, but I also remember.  It IS overwhelming.  I remember when I had five kids in seven years' time. I remember when I had three in diapers at once - and I used cloth diapers!  I remember when I could not keep any food in the house.  I remember when all eight kids lived at home and we went through 16 gallons of milk, 23 large loaves of bread and five dozen eggs a week!  I remember baking everything from scratch, baking nearly every day, because cookies must be had and Little Debbie was too pricey for our family.

I remember.

And I smile.

And I thank our gracious God for His generosity to me in giving me eight healthy children, yes, even my little boys who are now grown men.

Overwhelming?  For sure.  But beyond rewarding.......this motherhood thing has eternal rewards.

My word.

Young moms, savor.  The time is flying. Savor even on the days you want to pull your hair out.

~Tricia