Going to Church? Will Your Child be a Victim this Sunday?

Don't let your child be the next victim. Just when you think church is safe, think again. It really isn't. This news report shows yet another horrific account of sex crimes against children by leaders in a church. This time it happened in Toledo, OH. Read the article here.

Oh, and another one here.......Texas Baptist Children's Home.

Your kids do not have to be victims! There are warning signs of abusive environments/people.

Here are just a few things that are red flags when it comes to your kids in church:

1. If Church leadership assumes authority over your family/children in the name of God.

You, the mom or dad, are responsible for your kids, not your church. The pastor/deacon/youth leader, etc., does not have authority over your child. They only have authority over what they teach, not over you or your family. Teach your kids to recognize how leaders cross that line and help them know how to be resistant. They don't have to cause a scene; they simply have to be taught that they do not have to do something they are uncomfortable with.

2. If Women are minimized.

If a pastor or other church leader minimizes a woman's role in her family, steer clear. This is not something Jesus ever did or wanted. Mom is the boss of the pastor/deacons/leaders when it comes to her kids and if any of those people minimize her role and put it all on the dad, they need to be resisted or, at the very least, ignored.

3. If Patriarchy is exalted.

Patriarchy leads to abuse. In a church where patriarchy is actually a main point/focus, more abuse takes place because there is an unbalance of power. As was said in the Pii Report from the investigation into ABWE's decades-long sex abuse cases with Donn Ketcham, "Sexual abuse flourishes in environments with unequal power relationships."

Did you catch that? Let me repeat that: 

"Sexual abuse flourishes in environments with unequal power relationships."

One more time: 

"Sexual abuse flourishes in environments with unequal power relationships."

Also, there are a few things you can do to protect your child in church.

1. Do not send your child off to the bathroom alone. I don't care how long you've been at your church or if you know everyone there, your child is vulnerable if in the hallways or bathrooms alone. Accompany your child. If you think that's too hard because you'd have other kids in tow, it's not too hard. I practiced this regularly even though I have 8 kids. Until they reached a certain age, they did not wander around at church alone, especially during services. You can be sure that certain people roam the hallways of your church during services; these people are not to be trusted alone with your child. No exceptions.

2. Instruct your child to stay in their classroom and wait for you after Sunday School. Do not allow them to leave a classroom alone. It should be a rule for all Sunday School teachers to wait for the parents, but, unfortunately, in many churches it simply is not. Insist on it and be there early if possible.

3. Look all teachers, youth leaders, pastors and other leaders in the eye when you communicate with them. This is vital. Look them in the eye and give them clear instructions concerning your child/children. If the teacher/leader is up to no good, looking them in the eye will intimidate them. It lets them know that you mean business and will not put up with any nonsense. Abusers look for targets and if you come across as a detached parent who trusts everyone because you're in church, the abuser will know this and could target your child.

4. If anyone makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, do not leave your child with that person. If a Sunday School teacher makes you feel odd, take your child with you instead. If a youth leader won't listen, don't let your child go to youth group. 

You, Mom and Dad, have the power to stop these abusers in their tracks. Our kids are at risk in church. We know they are at risk in the world, but many turn a blind eye to the abuse going on in church. They simply don't want to believe it. 

But it's happening all over. Will it happen to your child this week? You can be sure it will happen to someone's child. You can be sure. Don't let your child be the next victim.

Read my e-book, Preventing Abused Children, for more. Click here. 

~Tricia

How to Make Me Stop Blogging about ABWE

Abuse is never isolated. If someone abuses one person, they will likely abuse another. No pedophile has been found to have only one victim. There are always multiple victims. Some of those victims are too hurt to tell anyone about the abuse. Other victims wait until a good number of other victims have spoken out, then they find strength to do the same. Others are first to speak out and pave the way for more.

Because victimization is so personal, each victim has to find their own way and work in whatever time frame they can in their process of healing.

Because many of us know this, either through surviving victimization ourselves or by working with those who are healing, we know that each victim takes their own, very private, very personalized path to healing. But, we also know that many need a boost. They need an outlet for their voice. They need a safe place to voice their experience.

That's why my blogging about ABWE continues, and will continue. We, my husband and I, have received many messages from people who want to tell their stories but are still too afraid to be known by name.

Victimization can take different formats. While the direct victims of Donn Ketcham's pedophilia are dealing with healing from sexual abuse, there are other victims, too.

There's the ABWE missionary on another field who saw the way ABWE handled Donn Ketcham's abuse in 1989 and realized they were handling "problems" and "potential problems" on other fields in the same, wrong way and he spoke up. And ABWE administration told him to "Shut up" about these problems.....and he did.....and he carried the weight of this alone....and he had a heart attack.

Another hard-working missionary realized he could not stay with ABWE in good conscience not only because it was his friend and co-laborer who was hushed, but he also saw how wrong they were, so he actually left ABWE. His conscience could not allow him to continue. He could not work with a mission board that was covering up sin on "various mission fields." The problems were not isolated to Bangladesh. They were/are widespread. They continue. I wonder how long before victims from other mission fields will come forward.

The culture of abuse within ABWE has to be recognized before any real changes are going to take place. Some current ABWE missionaries are treating this like it needs to go away now. They are weary of the continuation of blogs like this one and comments on Facebook groups and other social media sites.

I'll tell you what. Just as soon as we stop getting private messages from various victims and just as soon as those victims are properly vindicated and just as soon as ABWE recognizes the culture of abuse they continue to operate in and fix it to our satisfaction, we will stop. Until then, I will blog in hopes of giving more and more victims the courage to come forward and break out of their silence.

To the victims: You are not alone. We are praying for you. We are here for you. We are aware of your pain. You are the reason I'm blogging and continuing to speak out against abuse. Your private messages are empowering.

~Tricia

By Request: More on the Culture of Abuse within ABWE

I have been asked to comment on the steps ABWE has taken since the Pii Report came out.

I was told they have made changes.....specifically, 1) they have put a child safety officer in the home office, 2) they now offer training both in the home office and on the field for child abuse recognition and reporting, 3) both missionaries and churches are being invited to "town hall" meetings in MI to answer questions about the Pii Report and 4) survivors of Donn Ketcham's and ABWE's abuse are receiving counseling at the expense of ABWE.

These 4 things might appear to be a good start, but they are certainly not enough. At least one victim has said they are glad to see ABWE "moving in the right direction." However, understand that even if they are moving in the right direction, they are far from being completely changed as an organization.

1. They need to recognize that they are operating within a culture of abuse, not just dealing with one sinful man and a host of enablers. Donn Ketcham is an evil man, no doubt, but he relished in the glory poured out on him by ABWE. Throughout the Pii Report, notes of concern and abuse acknowledgements were often followed by awards and gratitude doled out by ABWE onto Donn Ketcham. So, even though there were reports of abuse back to the 1960's and others on the field knew about these reports, Donn Ketcham continued to receive praise and accolades while his victims cowered in fear and disgust.

This present and ongoing culture evidences itself within the language used by those associated with ABWE. They frequently call each other and their leadership "godly" people. I have seen this phrase used as a way to attempt to silence many who have tried to speak out against ABWE. The label silences by making people feel that, since they are "godly," it's wrong to question them or anything they do or say. It's as though they are the "appointed godly ones" so they get to determine who is godly and who is not and they always choose themselves. This is humanism through and through. And it's not godly. Godly does not announce itself.

This practice is very common within cults and other organizations which are known for controlling their members. ABWE needs to stop this type of dialog, realize that any and all of them, at any time, could fall into sin at the drop of a hat and disqualify themselves in an instant.

Right now, communication with some within ABWE indicates they do not recognize their own culture of abuse, thus denying its existence. They don't believe a culture of abuse exists and some don't believe a culture of abuse ever existed. They are not recognizing the culture that allowed Donn Ketcham to practice pedophelia for decades. This means abuse will likely take place again.


2. They need to address all questions, not just ones at town hall meetings where participants are invited. I know several people who have tried to contact ABWE with questions about the Pii Report and those people have been ignored. Not everyone is able to travel to MI to be part of a town hall meeting. Not everyone is invited, yet we might sit in a church pew and listen to an ABWE missionary ask for our money. How can we give our money when you won't give us time of day? For people's attempts to contact ABWE to go unanswered is disturbing. I, personally, have been ignored by "leaders" within Baptist organizations and it's a terrible feeling. It's downright abusive; it feels like the "silent" treatment. This has no place in the Christian world.

3. Male dominance has to go. The Pii Report says the following:

How is ABWE working to correct this? Their board has 16 men and only 3 women. This has to change. What about having 10 women, 9 men and a female president? What about an all-female board and a female president? Are they willing to "go that far?" It would certainly show the victims that real change is possible and they are willing to make those changes. There is no shortage of qualified women and there never has been. 

There is no Christ-centered practice in the Bible wherein women are so minimized as they are in Baptist organizations. There is no biblical foundation for its practice in a Christian organization. Male dominance was not something Jesus practiced, condoned or promoted. In fact, He practiced the very opposite, appointing a woman as the first evangelist after appearing to Mary Magdalene following His resurrection, assigning a woman to tell of His coming in revealing Himself to the woman at the well and using Priscilla to teach Apollos. The list goes on and on. Our mission boards, churches and other organizations need to look less like Fundamentalist cults and more like Christ. (At least Warren Jeffs went to prison for his pedophelia....)

4. Transparency has to be evidenced. When people are ignored or referred elsewhere for answers by ABWE officials, that shows a lack of transparency. A lack of transparency shows fear. A showing of fear makes one wonder what they are afraid of. Hence, a lack of transparency fuels a lack of trust.

5. Defensiveness within ABWE has to go. In talking to a few ABWE missionaries and one ABWE missionary appointee, I sensed a defensiveness with some which I found disturbing. In a sense of repentance, there is no room for defensiveness. Defensiveness indicates an unwillingness to hear more and an unwillingness to answer further. Every person who has ever given even a dime to help support  any missionary who serves with ABWE deserves answers, not defensiveness. 

6. ABWE missionaries, leaders and even office workers need to realize that trust has to be earned. After all that has happened, people are not going to just trust them again because they claim to now be humble. Abuse survivors recognize humility and don't need to be told who is humble and who is not. ABWE needs to realize that earning trust takes time and during that time, if they are defensive, trust will take even longer to earn. If someone tells you they are humble, you know they are not. 

I have indicated to those within ABWE who I have talked to that I have read the Pii Report (twice and some parts of it three times), yet they nearly always invite me to read it as though they assume I have not. Each time I review a portion, frustration and anger are rekindled. ABWE needs to realize that the report is relatively new, this information is new to most who are reading it and those with a conscience who are reading it need time to process its contents. This process takes time. It will take a good amount of anger and frustration to work through it and these are proper responses. ABWE has to show humility by being transparent, fixing the imbalance of power as a male-dominant organization and, if they financially survive the massive lawsuit brewing in MI, to proceed with obvious humility that is shown and not announced. 

They also need to show patience for those who are processing the contents of the report. Many of these people gave a whole lot of money, thinking they were giving to further the gospel. They had no idea that some of their money would actually be used as "hush money" to quiet people who might talk about Donn Ketcham's horrible crimes, then later to pay counselors to help victims. (Donn Ketcham and his many enablers should be paying that bill.) Many people spent hours in prayer, trusting ABWE to hold the Word out to a lost world. All Donn Ketcham did was take their money and hold himself up as a "demi-god" to young, vulnerable children, then ABWE spit on the prayers by covering it up. 

Processing this takes time. 

This is the tip of the iceberg.

More to come,

~Tricia