Is this a Trick Question?

A met a young woman the other night. She was a guest in our home and, while friends with my two youngest sons, I hadn't met her until the other night. She reminded me of myself at her age. Petite, energetic, opinionated and outspoken. I liked her right away.

As I had off-and-on communication with her (they (she, another friend and my two sons) were watching a movie and grabbing snacks throughout), I noticed she used one phrase very frequently. She would often say, "Well, I'm a Baptist, so I don't do that..." or, "Oh, we're Baptists, we believe this or that," or, "Oh, you know us Baptists!" So, I was intrigued by this word usage and I asked her a few questions.

The next time she referred to being a Baptist in my presence, I said, "Oh, I see you're Baptist. Does that mean you ascribe to all the things your Baptist church teaches?"

She said, "Huh? I mean, um, is this a trick question?"

I said, "Certainly not. It's an honest question. I know what independent Baptist churches teach and I'm curious to know if you agree with and live your life by what they teach."

She said, "Well, I know women are supposed to submit to their husbands."

Now, before you think there were other words exchanged before she went straight to the topic of submission, let me assure you there were not. This was first and foremost on her mind. Her role is to submit. That's her main takeaway from her Baptist church.

I probed further, "Well, you're not married so that doesn't apply to you in that way, but don't miss the fact that men are also told to submit to their wives."

She looked at me curiously, but said, "Well, yeah......"

Then I asked my next question. I said, "Are you familiar with what is called the great commission?"

She said, "Well, I can't recall it word for word....."

I said, "It says something like, 'Go into all the world and teach all nations, baptizing them....etc...basically a commandment to make disciples."

"Yeah!" she exclaimed, "That's it! Yeah."

I asked, "Who is Jesus talking to when he says that?"

She replied, "Ummm...hmmm...is this a trick question?"

"I promise, I'm not asking any trick questions."

"Ok, well, I think he's talking to his disciples."

"And," I said, "who are his disciples?"

"People who followed him at the time......and....us? Yes, us."

"So, he's talking to you?"

"Yes."

"Never forget that. He's talking to you. He's not talking to a husband who will then instruct or allow you to serve him. He's talking directly to you. I just wanted to plant that seed with you and make sure you follow Jesus, not a husband or church leader. He's talking to you."

"Yeah....." she said rather wistfully.

Statement analysis:

Had this delightful young woman answered me with anything other than submission, I likely  would not have gone down this path. Her first statement about her church was about submission in marriage. This speaks volumes to me. I suspect her church is out of balance because a young, single woman ought to be looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of her faith, and not what a future relationship with a human male might have to do with her relationship with Jesus or her church, or even with him, the human male. The fact that she thought, twice, that I was asking her trick questions could mean that she is being groomed to fit into a box that some man or male leadership created for her. I hope she smashes that box and never goes in there.

We are not doing our young people any favors by emphasizing a concept like submission which has been grossly misinterpreted and misapplied within the church. When we neglect to teach Jesus and emphasize a personal relationship with him, we are leading our young people astray, male and female.

I believe this is a conditioning or grooming tactic used by church leadership to ensure a woman knows her "place" and will follow their idea that submission should be a woman's focus. This is wrong. The Bible does not teach this. This is secular humanism wrapped in patriarchy, created to oppress and subdue women. Men and boys are groomed to think they are always the leaders and women and girls are groomed to think they are always subordinate. This is wrong. Absolutely wrong. It turns my stomach.

Do not be fooled, girls. You belong to Jesus and he is to be your priority. He's talking to you, not through someone else to you. Your focus should not be submission; your focus should be Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith. Let no one teach you differently. Walk out if they try.

Galatians 1:8 & 9: "But though we or an angel from Heaven preach any other gospel to you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be cursed. As we said before, so say I again, if anyone preaches another gospel to you than that you have received, let him be cursed."

~Tricia

It's My Story

It's My Story

During my writing classes, I often read portions of my own published writings to my students as part of my opening presentation.  In this way, my students learn a little about my story of growing up in abuse and violence with my alcoholic father.  Recently, during a class, one student asked, "Do you ever feel funny writing about that abuse? I mean, what if your dad, or any of your other abusers, read it?"

I was prepared for this question and I answered her without hesitation.  I said, "Whatever I go through happens to me, thus making it my story. If my dad, and other abusers in my life, did not  want the story to be told, they ought not have abused me in the first place."  At that, another student, a big, strapping man, began clapping slowly and deliberately.  Quite frankly, I was honored, shocked, embarrassed and pleased, all at the same time that he applauded me. That had never happened before.

I was prepared for the question, not because it had been asked before, it hadn't, but because I have ready answers about abuse.  I know where I stand with abuse and this confidence has given me a sound set of fundamental principles from which I operate when it comes to my past abuse and any abuse I currently face or will face in the future.  My set of principles comes from Scripture.

Abusive people have unwritten rules.   One big unwritten rule is the rule of silence.  I know this silence well; it was a big part of my life for a very long time.  The victim knows the rules of silence and generally complies with those rules for fear of more abuse, or embarrassment by the abuser, which is also abuse.  The silencing plan includes spinning the truth to the point of making it seem like everything is the victim's fault.  This fear keeps the victim quiet.  It's highly effective.

Yes, abuse that happens to me is my story and I get to tell my story.  I will always tell my story of abuse. This includes abuse from my past, abuse from my present and any abuse I may fall victim to in the future.  Any attempt to quiet a victim is quite simply further abuse.

So, I will not be silent any longer.  Hence, I wrote my book, Victory Over Violence.  I will blog about abuse. I will help others who have gone through, or may be going through, any type of abuse.

I am fully aware that there are times when a person has to be quiet for their own safety.  But, later, when someone has been removed from abuse and is safe, the best advice they can get is advice to talk about it in whatever way they can.  Hushing a victim when they need to talk out their abuse is just another form of abuse.  Victims need someone who will listen with compassion and patience.

Oh, wow….I could go on and on here.  But, I won't for now simply because I know people will only read so much in a blog post. 

But there will be more to come on this topic, rest assured.

~Tricia

Not My Kids

I think the man thought it was innocent enough.  He loved birds and loved to take pictures of them.  We live on the property our church owns, which houses about 110 trees, mostly oak, but some crab apple and a few maples and several evergreens.  So, we have a lot of birds and this man used to stop his van along our property to take pictures of the birds. But, I didn't know he was just taking pictures of the birds and my boys were out sledding and this man stopped his van right near the small "hill" where my boys were sledding.  I had no idea who he was, what he wanted, etc., so when I saw him stopped there, so close to my boys,  then saw him talking to them, I donned my coat, boots and gloves and walked over.

I approached his van and introduced myself.  Immediately, the man was defensive.  I'd said, "Hi!  My name is Tricia.  I'm their mom." (pointing to my boys)

He said, "So?"

I said, "Well, I see that you've stopped near where they are sledding, so I thought it best to come introduce myself and find out what you need here."

He said, "I'm just taking pictures of the birds. I'm not going to hurt your boys."

"Well," I said, "I like to know people who are talking to my boys."

With that, he reiterated that he was not going to "hurt" my boys, but only wanted pictures of the birds. He then drove off.  He started coming less and less, I kept a close eye at all times, wrote down his license plate number and warned my boys about talking to him.  They complied. He no longer stops to take pictures.

The message is loud and clear:  If someone wants access to my kids, they have to go through me. If someone will not speak to me or talk decently to me, they do not get to talk to my kids.

My word. You would not believe how often I have to act on this principle.  My job as their mom is to ensure their safety.  I do not believe my boys are emotionally, physically or spiritually safe around people who will not talk to their mom.  Period.  There are people who will not speak to me but actively try to talk to my kids.  Not gonna happen.  I will do whatever I can to protect my kids from such people, no secrets about it, no apologies given.

~Tricia

The Right Answer

The "right" answer is easy to give.  When someone is constantly turning everything you say into a spiritual lesson, it's easy to give them their expected "right" answer because you know what they want to hear.  They want to hear things that make them comfortable, that let them know you are on the right track in your spiritual growth (according to their expectations). They want answers that reflect their own decisions as if it will validate them and they can keep on feeling good about themselves and their own choices.  Yep, giving the right answer is easy. I know the "right" answer every time. I know exactly what these people want to hear, which, to them, is the "right" answer. I know where they are going with their leading comments that have obvious hints of their own perceived spiritual status.  Have you ever met someone like that?

I know the expected  "right" answers, but I never give the "right" answers. I scold myself if I give the right answer by accident by going with the flow of a conversation.  I prefer to give the real answers; the true answers, which are not always defined as "right" to these types of people.

Case in point:  I recently met someone who seemed to be determined to make sure I knew all the "right" answers and  give them to her when she demanded them through subtle hints in seemingly casual. conversation.  But, alas, I had to throw her off. I could not bring myself to give her the expected "right" answers and it threw her into a bit of a tizzy and she wasn't quite sure what to do with me.

I do not and did not purposely go into any conversation with intent to challenge.  Mostly, my responses were borne out of defense since the flavor of the conversations was continually challenging my own level of commitment and walk with the Lord.  The underlying theme was simply that I was not measuring up. This approach is nothing short of spiritual abuse and I refuse to take part in that, let alone be a victim of such nonsense.  Who has time for that when they are truly living for the Lord in the first place?

If/when you find yourself in a situation where you are being unjustly challenged, i.e. the challenge, itself, is given with the indication that you are clearly wrong and need constant correction, let me give you some pointers so that you don't have to fall victim to that.

• When the unjust challenge starts, remember that you do not answer to the person making the challenge, especially if it is someone you just met.  If you have a consistent spiritual leader in your life who is offering the challenge, that's different, but these damaging challenges rarely come from people who are more closely involved in your life.  The vast majority of the unjust challenges come from new people in your life who come across as though they have all the answers when you first meet them.  So, you don't have to answer to them. You can either politely smile and thank them for their input or say something like, "Oh, aren't you clever!" and let it go at that.  
• Your relationship with God is private.  You are under no obligation whatsoever to share with anyone how often you pray, what you pray about, if you pray, when you pray, where you pray, etc. The Lord, Himself, is actually strong enough, wise enough and loving enough to draw you to prayer without some outside person setting an acceptable schedule and indicating that it's the only means of true spiritual acceptance.
• You do not have to be awkward in silence. Let their condemning words fall on the floor with an awkward silence so they feel the awkwardness and own it. You do not have to feel awkward or like you need to fill a silence left by a cutting remark. If they made the remark, they can own the silence. I was once at a retreat and the speaker was very condemning right from the start, telling us everything we do wrong all the time.  I did not appreciate this as I had not done the things she was accusing me, and the entire audience of ladies, of.  So, I didn't look at her much when she was talking to us.  In the next session, she must have felt an awkward silence from the last one because she actually said, "Oh, ladies, did you know that if you do not look at me when I'm talking and make eye contact, I cannot see you?"  And, I was thinking...."Hmmm, that's working for me!"  Her attempts to lay guilt on us did not work on me.
• Be real.  How you feel about a situation is ok. Just be real.  Feeling a certain way, whether approved of or not, is just that - your feelings.  God does not change with our feelings, but our feelings are real. His Truth remains the same and He is not afraid of our feelings because He knows they are just feelings. Take fear, for example.  When someone is afraid, they are often admonished by other Christians that they "should not" feel that way.  But, their fear is real and tangible and awful and all those things fear is, and now a Christian brother or sister has added guilt to their fear, making it worse. When I am afraid, I have learned from Scripture, that fear is normal, expected and already handled by our Almighty God.  He remembers that we are dust; He KNOWS we are going to fear and does not even one time condemn us for our fear.  Most Christians are afraid of real feelings so they tell us we "should not" feel that way.  Quite frankly, I think we should feel most of the things we feel and be real about them.

You do not have to give the right answer to anyone. Give the real answer, instead.  Tell them you are afraid and when they say, "Oh, you shouldn't be afraid," tell, them, "Oh, yes I should!"  and feel what you feel.  Just know that they are only feelings, they will pass, but our God is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Heb 13:8)

~Tricia

Dealing with Abusive People

It seems I have been around abusive people my entire life, starting with my dad and his violent alcoholism.  From my exposure to abusive people, I've made quite a few observations about their communication methods and I believe they are noteworthy in the sense that making note of them might help someone else recognize that they are in an abusive relationship.

By the way, I don't participate in abusive relationships any more.  But, I will say that non-participation can be tricky as abusive people have a strong agenda that depends on their targets' cooperation.  It's tricky in that you can actually be lured into participation without full realization of your participation!  And, thus, an abuser's agenda has momentum to continue.  When it comes right down to it, though, this is actually a powerful realization for a person under the oppressive behavior of an abuser.  When we realize their agenda depends on our cooperation, we have realized the end of their agenda - at least for ourselves.  Just don't cooperate. Hmmm.

No doubt this is easier said than done but the Bible really gives clear examples of this very thing. Throughout the Bible, we see a consistent, effective method for dealing with abusive people.  In the book of John, John, himself, gives us a great example.  What I learned from John is to have my own agenda, my own plan, making the abuser's agenda much harder for him to accomplish.  John had his own agenda and it was clearly in place whenever he had encounters with the Pharisees.  The Pharisees were highly abusive and openly tried to trap John many times.  Their agenda was to expose his "false" teaching.  His agenda was to proclaim Christ. He saw to it that his agenda was not derailed; he kept his focus, always directing the Pharisees back to Christ. He did it without apology. He did it without hesitation. He did it with consistency.  He was focused and his focus was Jesus Christ.  More on this in a minute.

An agenda, or a plan of your own, is a powerful tool when it comes to dealing with abusive people.  When I was little and my dad was on yet another abusive rampage, it was all about him and what he wanted.  If we didn't appear to understand his demands, he got louder. If we resisted in any way, he got violent.  When he wasn't yelling, throwing things or beating us up, he was emotionally and mentally manipulating us. Growing up that way, it really never occurred to me that I could actually have a plan of my own; that I could actually have my own ideas, thoughts, plans, etc. It always had to be about him and we cowered in fear when he didn't get his way.

For the victim of any type of abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, spiritual, etc., having a plan of their own is not only essential to breaking the abusive pattern for themselves, it's essential for their own well being and sometimes even survival.

This is a starting point.  If you are in any type of abusive relationship or know a loved one who is, help them start with a plan of their own.  It can be as simple as a plan for a given day, a plan for the week, a plan for the year.  Sometimes, the abuse is so intense that a person can only plan for the moment.  That's okay, too.  The greatest starting point for this plan is the Bible.  Jesus Christ knew how to deal with abusive people; He did it all the time.  He dealt with them by telling them the truth, standing His ground with them and He never really answered to them.  This infuriated them, of course. Because Jesus had His own plan, He was not vulnerable to their abuse.  He had His own reason to be in the conversation and that's what He stuck to. He was not all about them!

Read the book of John and see how John dealt with his abusers.  John chapter 1, starting with verse 19 has John's first recorded encounter with abusive men who had their own agenda. John kept his focus, and he kept control of the conversation.  Read through verse 28 and see how he managed all that!  It's quite remarkable and a great example to us all.

Having my own plan has led me to develop personal policies that have shown to be powerful tools as well. There's something decidedly intimidating to an abusive person when their target does not cooperate and instead, cites that it's "against policy."  Now, granted, we might not be in a situation where we can actually say that out loud, but we can certainly remember it for ourselves, remind ourselves mentally, and focus on that. I created my policies through the Scriptures, trying to make sure I was not manipulative myself, but focused on what God would have me do.  God would not have me tolerate abuse, so that policy came easy.

How does my theology play into this?  First of all, I use only Biblical principles in this process. I have learned to not be afraid of my own emotions, but use them as though they are really gifts to help me through a certain situation.  For example, abuse often produces feelings of anger.  Well, there's nothing wrong with being angry; the Bible says "be angry and sin not" (Ephesians 4:6).  Anger is a real emotion and The Lord acknowledges that it exists and never tells us to ignore it.  But, what do I do with that anger?  I use it as a tool. It's a great motivator, keeps adrenaline flowing and helps my momentum.  In anger, I have more courage to resist my abuser and it motivates me to keep my focus on God and what He would have me do.  Anger does not have to be acted out in a negative way.  Anger was motivation for our Savior when He overturned the moneychangers' tables in the temple.  Anger is a great tool.  It's important to control our actions even when our emotions are high and/or negative and using anger as a motivator instead of a destructive force will result in a more positive outcome.  Quite honestly, there are some things that should make us angry!  And there are things that will produce angry feelings.  There's no profit in denying the anger or acting as though it's wrong to feel that way.  What we do with it is what counts.

Secondly, my theology plays into this because I realize that I don't answer to any abuser, I answer to God. This is also a powerful realization for a person being abused, because it frees them from thinking that their abuser has any authority over them.  While there are times when an abuser has authority (as in my case, my abuser in the past was my dad), ultimately it's your life and you will have the ultimate say in what you do with your life. A child does not have as many options (this is topic for another post), but when a child grows up, they DO have options.  And even a child has more options than they might think. I realized early on that my dad could control my actions, but he could never control my thoughts, desires and plans.  I made lots of plans. I wasn't able to carry them out as a child, but I made them anyway.  Those plans led to dreams and those dreams led to motivation and that motivation led to my success in overcoming abuse.  It also led me to create a set of guidelines for overcoming the effects of abuse and all its trappings.  This is all according to the grace and leading of God; I'm not going to ever take credit for what He has done, but I will tell you the steps HE took in my life to free me from the debilitating effects of abuse.  All these steps are a result of His leading, His grace and the power of His Word in my life.

I have a lot more to say about abuse and will continue to post in hopes that I can show how my theology comes into each and every situation I find myself in. Whether it's spiritual abuse from a misguided Christian or emotional abuse from an insecure relative, you can have victory over that abuse, one step at a time.

~Tricia