Tell Your Story

Recently, a young woman I know found out that her abuser, a pastor, leader in the church, and missionary, had died. She had mixed emotions about it because she had never had the opportunity to get justice.....and now she can't because he died. She wasn't sure there were other victims. She can be sure there were. Abusers don't stop with one victim. Never.

I hope she finds the strength to tell her story. Those other victims need to hear it. They need to know they are not alone and that the future offers hope because of Jesus Christ. 

I was recently dismissed when I tried to tell one of my stories. I was told that it was not necessary to tell what happened because "everyone has stories" and we need to focus on other things.

But, telling the stories is so important. Here's why:

For someone who has been abused, telling their story adds to and aids in the healing process. It's therapeutic for them to tell their story. It helps them process it and the effect it had on them. Being able to articulate it gives them power. The more they tell it, the more powerful over it they become. If you will listen and let them tell their story, you are a hero.

Telling your story helps other victims. If you are able to articulate your story, that is a victory in and of itself and other abuse victims need to see and hear that you can tell what happened to you. There is power in hearing someone else's story because it gives hope to the hearer. 

Your story can help other abuse victims process what happened to them. Getting out of an abusive situation does not put an end to what an abuse victim has to deal with. Memories are strong. Dreams that were shattered because of abuse take time to rebuild. Safety and trust have to be regained. Seeing you be able to tell your story while no longer living under the power of the abuser is mighty medicine for other victims. 

God heals all abuse and victims need to hear how God healed your abuse so they can have confidence He will heal theirs. Coming off abuse, a victim often feels hopeless and is filled with despair. Hearing your story gives them that spark of hope that will eventually end their despair.

Telling your story breaks the shroud of silence that is essential for abuse to keep happening. All abusers depend on the silence of their victims. When you tell your story, you are smashing one of the most important tools and abuser has, silence.  

Sometimes you will try to tell your story to someone and they will dismiss you and not let you. When that happens - and it will happen - move on. That person will not be part of your healing. It's best to move on quickly and realize your relationship with that person will remain surface. While that may initially hurt because you thought you could be closer to that person, it's best to see the reality right away and move on quickly. You can still be friends with that person, but it will be more of a shallow friendship because you can't share your whole heart.

Tell your story.

Tell your story again and again. 

As much as you need to, tell your story. 

Those who will listen will have a huge part in your healing.

~Tricia

Book Review - black and white bible, black and blue wife by Ruth Tucker

I recently bought and read Ruth Tucker's book, black and white bible, black and blue wife. This book is a valuable tool in the fight against domestic violence and abuse in marriages, especially within the church. This candid account of a pastor's wife who was beaten and abused by her pastor-husband gives vivid insight into the trap of domestic violence and the role ministry can play.

One thing that resonated with me was that Ruth found her hope through her own, personal study of the Scriptures. I personally think this is the one key to all Christian growth, but I meet Christian wives who actually stunt their own spiritual growth, or allow it to be stunted by their husbands. This has to stop. We women need to pursue Jesus as individuals, not as a wives, not through our husbands and not allow our personal, spiritual growth to be slowed or stunted by anyone.

I highly recommend this book. I think pastors need to read it so they will know what not to do when they find out about abuse in their church. If a pastor thinks this does not happen among his members, he is sorely mistaken. It's more common than most people realize.

We can stop the cycle of abuse. This book can help by opening our eyes to the abuse often going on all around us. I admire Ruth's courage in writing this and am aware of the pain it must have caused to "relive" these events through writing.

This epidemic of abuse has to matter to all Christians. In light of the abuse recently revealed about Donn Ketcham and ABWE (Association of Baptists for World Evangelism), we can't keep our heads in the ground like ostriches and insulate ourselves from the effects of abuse. We can't declare that "it doesn't edify me" and ignore what our fellow Christians are enduring. Abuse edifies no one, but if Christian leaders dismiss it because they, personally, aren't "edified," they really don't belong in Christian leadership. Compassion hurts; it made Jesus weep. Where is it these days? 

Click here to buy Ruth's book and prepare to have your mind and your heart opened.

~Tricia

It's My Story

It's My Story

During my writing classes, I often read portions of my own published writings to my students as part of my opening presentation.  In this way, my students learn a little about my story of growing up in abuse and violence with my alcoholic father.  Recently, during a class, one student asked, "Do you ever feel funny writing about that abuse? I mean, what if your dad, or any of your other abusers, read it?"

I was prepared for this question and I answered her without hesitation.  I said, "Whatever I go through happens to me, thus making it my story. If my dad, and other abusers in my life, did not  want the story to be told, they ought not have abused me in the first place."  At that, another student, a big, strapping man, began clapping slowly and deliberately.  Quite frankly, I was honored, shocked, embarrassed and pleased, all at the same time that he applauded me. That had never happened before.

I was prepared for the question, not because it had been asked before, it hadn't, but because I have ready answers about abuse.  I know where I stand with abuse and this confidence has given me a sound set of fundamental principles from which I operate when it comes to my past abuse and any abuse I currently face or will face in the future.  My set of principles comes from Scripture.

Abusive people have unwritten rules.   One big unwritten rule is the rule of silence.  I know this silence well; it was a big part of my life for a very long time.  The victim knows the rules of silence and generally complies with those rules for fear of more abuse, or embarrassment by the abuser, which is also abuse.  The silencing plan includes spinning the truth to the point of making it seem like everything is the victim's fault.  This fear keeps the victim quiet.  It's highly effective.

Yes, abuse that happens to me is my story and I get to tell my story.  I will always tell my story of abuse. This includes abuse from my past, abuse from my present and any abuse I may fall victim to in the future.  Any attempt to quiet a victim is quite simply further abuse.

So, I will not be silent any longer.  Hence, I wrote my book, Victory Over Violence.  I will blog about abuse. I will help others who have gone through, or may be going through, any type of abuse.

I am fully aware that there are times when a person has to be quiet for their own safety.  But, later, when someone has been removed from abuse and is safe, the best advice they can get is advice to talk about it in whatever way they can.  Hushing a victim when they need to talk out their abuse is just another form of abuse.  Victims need someone who will listen with compassion and patience.

Oh, wow….I could go on and on here.  But, I won't for now simply because I know people will only read so much in a blog post. 

But there will be more to come on this topic, rest assured.

~Tricia

Conditioning

We get conditioned to certain behaviors and that conditioning leads to expectation. Expectation, if properly used, can lead to great success.  But, it starts with conditioning.  Conditioning also has a dark side. Abusers know this.

As parents, most of us condition our children to believe they can be anything they want when they grow up. We encourage them to try their wings, to dream big, to create all they want and to learn.  This is a form of conditioning.  Most conditioning is thought of in a positive light.  We condition our hair for a better result. We condition our bodies to perform better athletically. We condition our mind to learn better by studying.

But, there's another type of conditioning we need to be wary of.  Negative conditioning.  This type of conditioning is so subtle that many people have no idea they are being conditioned to fail.  There are many types of negative conditioning, but for today's blog post, I want to focus on one particular aspect of negative conditioning:  Economic

Economic Negative Conditioning is Economic Abuse.

Here's how it works:  First, an appealing scene has to be created.  Often, I've seen "ministry" as the chosen vehicle of economic abuse.  The abuser creates a "ministry" mindset that makes it hard for the abused person to argue with.  If what he's doing is "ministry," it's hard to argue with that without seeming unspiritual.  This is economic abuse paired with spiritual abuse.  Often, abusers have to pair different types of abuse together to make one or the other seem plausible.

Once an abuser establishes his or her avenue of abuse, such as using "ministry" as a front, they have successfully set the stage for their next move.  In the name of "ministry" one can't want financial gain, economic success or nicer things.  If an abuser sets his victim up (conditioning) to expect less, they are free to be lazy, have other priorities, not work hard and then pursue their own interests outside of their financial responsibilities to the person they are abusing.  Inevitably, the abuser is doing this to someone they are financially responsible for.

Conditioning a person for economic abuse happens over time.  The abuser can't spring this on a person all at once; they take their time and patiently repeat certain ideas and expectations to the point where, over time, the victim automatically falls in line with the negative way of thinking they are being conditioned toward!  It's a process that abusive people have often perfected and rarely does a victim even know they are a victim until years into it when they wake up one day and decide they are tired of struggling.

Enough said for now.  Economic abuse is rampant among abusive people.  If you suspect you are in an economically abusive situation or relationship, tell someone you trust.  They may already suspect the reality of this in your life, and you speaking out will confirm it.  Recognition of abuse is the first step in stopping abuse.

~Tricia