What Mark Cuban knows Better than your Pastor

Mark Cuban, famous owner of the Dallas Mavericks, inherited a patriarchal, abusive environment within the organization. He came up with a great solution and hired Cynt Marshall as his CEO. Before taking the job, she went around the company and interviewed women, finding out it was not a friendly place for women. She also found that the leadership in the organization was out of balance. She took the job and now, under her leadership, there is a balance of power within the organization and women have an equal voice. Click here for her interview on the Today Show. Click here for her message at an Expotential conference.

In her Today Show interview, she stated, "Diversity is being invited to the party, but it includes being

asked to dance. You can be at the table, but if you can't talk and people are not including you, so what?"

This made me think of the situation at ABWE where, after Donn Ketcham got away with decades of abusing women and girls on the mission field in Bangladesh, ABWE finally put women on their board of directors.....3 women.....and 16 men remained. To this day, ABWE has not done enough to rectify their culture of abuse. It remains.

How is it that a worldly man like Mark Cuban can "get it" about abuse and power and churches don't? One could argue that church leadership is not about "power" but I see nothing but power, and the abuse of power, within today's church leadership.

A recent adult "Bible" study played this out. It was a group of married adults and they were studying a Sunday School quarterly. This particular lesson covered a few of the 10 Commandments, including "You shall not commit adultery." The teacher took the class to Matthew 5:27 & 28, where Jesus says, ".....if a man looks at a woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery with her already in his heart." Ok, so far, so good, but I was shocked at what happened next.

In the class, the people started a discussion about this verse and one woman said, "Well, girls have to be modest." They followed this statement up with extreme examples of women and girls not being modest in church. In looking around the church, I found no one dressed immodestly.

This turned the discussion to women and the "part" we women play in "causing" men to sin and commit adultery in their hearts. I was appalled. This discussion went on for about 10 minutes, and even though a couple of us presented the Truth, that this verse said nothing about women having a "part" in a man's sin, the people stuck to their thinking that men would sin less if women were more modest. Women have NO part in any man's sin.

So, the culture of abuse remains. Women are continuing to be blamed for the sins of men in the church. While I agree women ought to be modest, I contend that the Bible is not talking about modesty in the same way we do today. When Paul taught instructed women to dress in modest apparel, he was talking to wealthy Ephesian women who were flaunting their wealth in church and he wanted them to tone that down since it's not good to flaunt wealth in church. Read more in I Timothy 2:9-10. Paul clarifies that women are to "dress modestly, not with elaborate hair styles, gold, pearls of expensive clothing, but with good deeds..." These verses say nothing about dressing modestly to help men avoid sinning.

What struck me about the discussion in the class is how quickly they spun the Truth of the verses they were studying. Even the teacher of the class did not refute their opinions, but reaffirmed what they were thinking. They are wrong. Spinning Scripture at any time is wrong and it's wrong to take what Jesus said and spin it like they did.

The natural leap of patriarchy is to blame women for men's sins at every turn. If a man sins with a woman, the church talks about what she was wearing or what she did to entice him. But Scripture does not teach this. Scripture teaches that when a man sins, he is drawn away by his own lust and enticed (James 1:14). It does not say women need to modify their behavior in any way to help men avoid sin.

To jump from a verse about adultery where Jesus addresses men specifically, to the subject of girls needing to be modest is a huge and unjustified jump. This jump is very natural for patriarchy, however, and many church folk would argue with me, some vehemently; but they are out of line.

It's not safe or wise to filter the Bible through any lens, even the lens of patriarchy.

Do I think women and men should dress modestly? Of course. I simply stand against the idea that this is taught in Matthew 5:27&28.

~Tricia

9 Things I Taught My Sons About Dating

My five sons have called me a drill sergeant, a title I take with pride. I was strict with all eight of my kids, but today, because I've become aware of some dating red flags among Christians, I want to focus on things I taught my sons when they started dating.

I didn't necessarily sit them down and give them a list or even a speech where these things were delivered in a formal way. Rather, these things were addressed as they came up, but were universal for all my sons.

This list assumes Christians participants.

1. She owes you nothing. You may fall in love with her, but that love gives you no rights with her. She can choose not to love you back and you cannot make her love you. She owes you nothing in return. A love that expects love in return isn't love and you're better off getting over it quickly.

2. You get to have zero expectations. You cannot expect a girl to drop her life and be at your beck and call. She has a life of her own and you have to respect that. Expectations kill relationships.

3. Her relationship with Jesus is hers and hers, alone. She does not have to follow anyone's lead when it comes to her relationship with Jesus. You have no say in her relationship with Jesus. Do not expect to have influence, input or claims to her relationship with Jesus. Should you marry this girl, this point is true beyond the wedding. She may choose to include you in her relationship with Jesus, but the choice is hers and you don't get to weigh in on it.

4 You are not her boss. This is America; she has freedom to go where she wants, with whom she wants, when she wants. You cannot influence or interfere with her relationships with other people. You don't get to decide who her friends are, or make her choose your friends - or you - over her friends.

5. You are not the leader in the relationship. Even after you're in a committed relationship with a girl, you are not her leader. She does not need a leader because the Holy Spirit lives in her as much as He does in you and is perfectly capable of leading her as He promised. You do not take the Holy Spirit's place in her life.

6. No means no. "No" is a complete sentence. Do not beg, coerce, trick or otherwise try to engage her in any thing she does not want to participate in.

7. She does not owe you an explanation. If she says no to an invitation to a date, party or other event, take no for an answer and let it go. She does not have to tell you why. She might choose to tell you why, but if you ask and she doesn't want to tell you, she does not have to. See #6 and #1.

8. She is not your everything. Jesus is your everything. If she becomes your everything, your relationship with Jesus has taken a back seat and you are out of line.

9. You are not her spiritual leader. As a believer in Jesus Christ, she is a priest and needs no one else to be her spiritual leader. This extends beyond the wedding, too. Scripture teaches the priesthood of all believers....she does not need your spiritual leadership and Scripture does not support it.

I realize this list is for boys and men, only, but I felt it pertinent to write out this list because of the abuse I am seeing inside young relationships. This list is not to indicate that girls are never abusive. They can be and many are. For this post, however, I'm addressing it from the male perspective and from what I have taught my own sons. I can write a similar list for girls at another time.

As a side note to this, youth group leaders should not be teaching young men how to be the leaders in their relationships, but I see that many are, under the guise of "preparing them for marriage." This is hogwash. Youth leaders need to equally teach both young women and young men to love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength and to love their neighbor as themselves. Parents, settle for nothing less. You call the shots with your teens, call them loudly and without apology.

~Tricia

8 Ways Church Leaders Can Learn to Take No for an Answer

Julia* was overwhelmed at home. She works a full-time job, then cares for her ailing father once home. She also has a husband, kids and grandkids. Julia loves the Lord Jesus Christ and has served in her church in different capacities for decades. But, right now, she's just too overwhelmed to do many of the things she has done in the past.

It was with great sorrow that Julia declined an invitation from the Children's Ministry Pastor to help with the children's ministry for the upcoming year. She just knew she couldn't do it. Her father was getting worse and was nearly to the point where he couldn't be left alone. She didn't give the pastor all her reasons; he was new and she didn't know him well. She simply said, "I'm sorry, but I really can't right now."

She thought that was enough, but the pastor was not satisfied. He went on to tell her how important the children's ministry was, how she was losing an opportunity to make a difference in their lives, how she was making it more difficult to fill teaching roles, etc. He had a whole list of reasons why her decision to sit out this session was wrong. He attempted to make her feel guilty, which he hoped would make her change her mind.

Julia was not untouched by his reasons and he ended up pleading, but she knew her situation and stuck to her decision, much to his dismay.

The Pastor of Children's Ministry needs to learn to take "No" for an answer.
Here are 8 things that might help him or her in this situation:


1. "No." is a complete sentence. 

2. A person saying "No" does not have to give an explanation. They might give one, but he or she cannot demand or require one. An explanation is a courtesy, not a requirement. It might be hard for someone to give an explanation. When we approach people for ministry opportunities, we need to respect their situation and realize we don't know everything about them.

3. Guilt should not be a reason for someone to work in any ministry. Do we really want teachers who are only there because they feel guilty? I don't.

4. Realize that people know their lives and limitations better than you. Julia knew every aspect of her life and what prevented her from being able to commit to a teaching role at the time. Since he was new, the pastor did not know her at all. He had no idea what she was facing and taking care of. He needed a teacher and since she had taught in the past, he thought she should be teaching again. He made no attempt to get to know her, either. He needed a teacher; that's all that mattered to him.

5. Arguing with someone who has already said, "No" is spiritual abuse. No need to really elaborate on this one. No means no.

6. Use prayer, not tactics. Instead of using guilt-inducing tactics, use prayer to guide you to people you should recruit for ministry. Early in our ministry, Christy*, a grandmother who had raised several children, came to me and said, "Do not ever put me in the nursery. I am not interested in serving in there at all." So, we didn't put her in the nursery. Many of us moms took turns and, as the church grew, we did ask several others to help out, but we did not ask Christy. My husband and I prayed for her. One day, out of the blue, she came to me and said, "You might as well put me on the nursery schedule." The church had grown, the nursery was bursting at its seams and she saw the need. Christy ended up being in the nursery for the next 12 years, every Sunday during the Sunday School hour. She read to the kids and they all loved her and looked forward to their time with her. Her ministry was Christ-born, not guilt-born, and it was a powerful, long-lasting ministry of which she did not grow weary. Even when some of us tried to give her a break, she would have none of it.

7. Accept "No" as if from God, not from the person saying "No." We tend to think we can convince people to do what we think we need them to do because we've seen a need and think they can fulfill that need. Perhaps their "No" is given as from the Lord. Perhaps the Lord is keeping a ministry open for just the right person to step into. When one person has to say, "No," it paves the way for another person to step up. You, as a leader, don't get to decide who that person is.

8. "No" does not have to be repeated. Once a person says, "No" we are free to move on. They do not have to repeat themselves. A teen was asked to perform a piano solo in a Christmas program, but she felt shy and intimidated and was not really ready to perform in public. The program chairwoman would not take "No" for an answer and kept hounding the teen. After five different conversations, the teen went to her mother in tears, causing the mother to have to confront the situation and stand up for the daughter. The program chairwoman was irate when the mother reminded her that her daughter had already said "No" five times. The chairwoman said, "I needed her to say 'No' one more time!"  then hang up on the mother. Um, no. No one, especially in Christian ministry, should have to say "No" more than once. This woman was requiring this teen to say "No" six times!

Imagine the abuse that could be stopped if leaders learned to take "No" for an answer.

I'm sure you can think of more things that will help leaders learn to take "No" for an answer. If you're a leader in your local church, learn to take "No" for an answer.

Your ministry will be better for it.Your ministry might thrive.

*Real people, not their real names.
~Tricia