Does your Outfit Make you a Rapist?

Amid all the revelations of abuse by people like Matt Lauer, Roy Moore and others in the news, I can't help but think of all the abuse going on within the church. There is no less abuse going on in the churches than there is in Hollywood, politics and the news media outlets, it's just kept even quieter.

While there seem to be many reasons this is so blatantly common, there is one common thread that will ensure it will continue: blaming the victims. One person described what she considered provocative dressing as "reverse sexual harassment." She said that women who dress "like current celebrities" are "just as guilty of sexual misconduct as men."

This equates dress with rape.
Wear the wrong outfit and you're guilty of rape, abuse and violence against women??
Oh, my.
NO!

This is wrong.
This attitude is part of the problem.
This attitude fuels a culture of abuse.

As long as men are given this type of pass, they will continue to abuse. Dress doesn't matter in the least. Women in Burqas are raped and abused all the time; it's rampant. Nuns in Habits have been raped and abused.

As long as people in your church have this attitude, you can be sure abuse is going on behind some closed door somewhere in the building, or behind a car in the parking lot, or in a quiet hallway after a youth meeting, and it will continue to go on. I guarantee it. It's happening every single week. And just like ABWE*, church leadership - all made up of men and men, only - will blame the victim. This guarantees it will continue. These men have to keep the women out of leadership in order for their abusive ways to continue.

Get your head out of the sand, people.

The problem is not how women dress. The problem lies with the abuser, in this case, men. The problem is patriarchy, a system that forces women to share part of the blame for the sins of men.

I don't care how someone is dressed, no one has a right to rape, abuse, touch, intimidate and threaten them.

Those who blame the victim on any level are part of the problem.

Fixing this culture of abuse starts with educating our sons that they are entitled to nothing....that sex is not a need....that aggressive behavior will not be tolerated.....that they are not better than women and God did not give them exclusive rights to leadership.

It also starts with teaching our daughters that they are the boss of their own bodies, even after marriage, and they do not "owe" their husbands sex. We have to teach our daughters that their relationship with God is not filtered through their father or husband, that they should have a voice in their church and can refuse to be part of a church that will not allow it, and that they, too, can be leaders.

I have to speak out against this kind of thinking lest any victim anywhere would think I agree with the idea that any victim is partially to blame.

People in prominent positions in conservative Christian organizations try to silence me on this all the time.

(*ABWE is the Association of Baptists for World Evangelism whose prized doctor, Donn Ketcham, created an entire system of abuse in Bangladesh to fuel his pedophilia, abusing nationals as well as fellow missionaries and their children. When the children grew up and started telling their stories, ABWE blamed them, tried to silence them, and wouldn't listen to them, yet exalted the doctor and allowed him to go into private practice in the States with no disclosure. There, he was given free reign to abuse even more victims and is only now, in his eighties, facing the charges. ABWE keeps going as though nothing happened, leaving the victims in their dust and calling themselves righteous.)

~Tricia

Hush! Keep Quiet about ABWE!

In their book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen said,

"The difference between an abusive and non-abusive system is that while hurtful behaviors might happen in both, it is not permissible to talk about problems, hurts and abuses in the abusive system. Hence, there is no healing and restoration after the wound has occurred, and the victim is made to feel at fault for questioning or pointing out the problem." 

This statement is true and is showing itself within the Christian community concerning Donn Ketcham and ABWE. This speaks to the silencing of the victims right up to now with the attempted silencing of those of us who want ABWE to truly come clean and do the right thing.

It seems that some ABWE missionaries are towing a line of silence and attempting to hush those who would speak out - even now. They are accusing those who are speaking up of "caustic" speech and literally telling them to stop talking about ABWE. At least one of these missionaries has falsely represented the Pii Report and information contained within that report, claiming that nothing took place before the 1980s. Information from the Pii Report says differently:

A code of silence is part of the problem. WoodTV8 in Grand Rapids, MI, has helped some of Ketcham's and ABWE's victims have a voice and given them courage to speak up when previously they could not. They were silenced. They were ignored. They were hushed.

Unlike what some current ABWE missionaries are claiming, ABWE has not done everything they can do to help the victims. According to the Pii Report, they were withholding information and being non-cooperative even as close as one year ago. Where were they in the years the victims were silenced, at least one even with "hush money" and ignored? They only came clean when forced to and even then unwillingly. The victims, silenced for too long, finally found a voice through blogging, then ABWE could not ignore the blog.

ABWE and its sitting missionaries need to step up and invite people to talk about this, whether in chat groups online or blog posts. Instead, they are fighting the ones speaking up, then accusing them of causing division. They might tell you they invite people to talk to them - only them - about it, but people I know who tried to contact them received no response.

As for the accusation of "causing division," Donn Ketcham caused the first division by sexually abusing young girls. ABWE officials continued the division by kidnapping a young girl and carting her half-way around the world while coercing a forced "confession" out of her. They continued their drive of division by covering up their abuse and Ketcham's abuse and fighting the victims when they tried to have their voice.

If you are trying to hush those who are talking about this, you are part of the problem. Those of us who care about these victims will not hush and will continue to speak truth for their sakes.

Beware, you who try to silence the truth-tellers. You are revealing yourself to be on the abusive side. Take a step back and think again about trying silence anyone. This is America; we get to speak. We will speak. We will not be hushed.

~Tricia

What Do You Need? (Hint, it's not Sex)

ISIS captures women and young girls to use as sex slaves because they feel their fighters need sex.

There is an entire underground system for human sex trafficking in the US and other civilized countries because the men who participate think they need sex.

Some conservative Baptists and other evangelicals believe and teach that sex is a need.

On Facebook recently, a friend posted 6 things a mom should teach her son, then she invited others to add to that list. I added a few but only one caused any trouble. I stated that moms should teach their sons that sex is not a need. My friend argued a little, then suddenly wanted to shut the conversation down. I felt I should clarify my position and said as much.

Enter a complete stranger, a man, to set me straight. This man (I assume he's not a boy) told me I am wrong about this issue and accused me of having to have the last word simply because I tried to clarify my position.

I am not wrong. Sex is not a need.

You need food.
You need clothing.
You need shelter.
You need medicine at certain times.
You do not need sex.
(Procreation aside.)

This is not a popular idea among some Christians I've talked to lately. Many people become disrespectful, sarcastic and mean when it comes to hearing that sex is not a need. It's as though they're afraid their wife will find out they are abusing her in the bedroom so they have to protect their lie at any cost.

The man who inserted himself into the online conversation has a few problems. He was immediately defensive and small (indicating his doubt about his own position), he tried to divert the attention off the subject by attacking me, personally (even though he doesn't even know me) and accusing me of having to have the last word (an indication that he thinks he knows my motives) and he misused Scripture to try to prove "his" point, which has no foundation in Scripture.

This is typical behavior, quite predictable. All abusers act the same; they all use the same playbook. This makes them easy to spot, which is good for the rest of us.

Sex is not a need.
It is a wonderful, powerful, God-given, love-expressing privilege.
But, you will not die without it.
It is not a need.

~Tricia

Why the Duggars' Problem will Continue

It's good that the Duggars explained a few things last night in their interview with Fox News host Megyn Kelly. I was disturbed, however, by their minimization of the abuse. A few minimizations I heard included:

When Megyn Kelly asked about further abuse and some touching that took place under the clothes, Jim Duggar was quick to reply, "Oh, that only took place for a few seconds."

Is it only valid if it lasts longer?

The Duggars used minimizing language throughout the interview. This is cause for grave concern. 

He said they talked to numerous families and found out this happens "a lot" in families they know and some have even worse things happen in their family. Strangely, he found a lot of comfort in this fact. To know that "a lot" of families are having sexual assault go on in their midst is beyond disturbing to me. But, if the families they talked to were "Gothard" families, then there is no surprise. This is what Gothard's material has taught all along.

I can't imagine my kids not being allowed to hide together during hide and seek because I feared one would sexually assault the other. Can you imagine? Suddenly, all boys were ranked as dangerous around their sisters.....they said "Boys don't babysit," which is also weird. Am I the only one who finds this weird?

Some people have cried out that Lena Dunham has not been raked over the coals for sexually abusing her younger sister, but Josh Duggar has been "crucified," as one blogger put it. The difference is clear: Lena Dunham has never claimed to know Christ, has never claimed to live by any "Biblical principles" that the Duggars claim to live by. Through the tenure of their TLC show, the Duggars held themselves up as godly people who are the ultimate example of good, Christian living. They hailed themselves as righteous, publicly compared themselves to others and always came out on top. Hailing themselves as righteous is part of their problem. Self-praise is a trap.

They openly bragged on their children, effectively creating an expectation that they could not fulfill. They don't get to claim to be "attacked" by people who are only expecting them to live up to the expectations, they, themselves set. When we separate ourselves from the world to the level which the Duggars did, publicly claim that we are above the world, publicly proclaim our own perceived righteousness, we will fall harder when we fall. And the fall is sure because the expectation is faulty.

The world, which has been condemned by the Duggars over and over again, suddenly finds itself doing better than they. There are many, many families in the world who do not claim to know Christ, yet they have had no sexual abuse in their home. This goes for all types of families. The world is confused by what appears to be a double standard.  No one has ever had such expectations of Lena. I, personally, expect her to act like the depraved sin-worshiping person she is and nothing more. She does not claim to be morally or spiritually superior.

This is more than a teenage boy unspeakably satisfying his curiosity about girls. This is a boy who was grounded in Biblical principles instead of the Bible and the gospel. The result? The boy did not know his limits. Following principles instead of throwing ourselves on the mercy of the gospel produces this every time. This is why the gospel is so relevant to every day family life.

Should this abuse have been made public? Absolutely not! I hope the Duggars do sue their county or state or whoever is responsible for leaking juvenile records. Whoever leaked or sold the information was wrong.

The Duggars' problems will persist, however, because they are not willing to deal with the underlying problem of dependence on man-made principles instead of the gospel of God.

Moral of the story: Don't hold yourself or your family up to a standard above anyone else. You are not better than anyone else. And, just don't put your family on TV.  (Am I the only one who thinks it's weird to use a forum you despise to promote yourself?)

~Tricia

Why I Won't Shut Up about the Duggars

Some people are ready to move on from the Duggar scandal, forgive and forget and put them back on the air. There's a petition people are circulating to get TLC to put them back on the air. In that petition, it states, "The world needs more families like the Duggars." No, it really doesn't.

I am not so hasty. The Duggars' scandal is deeper than even the atrocities committed against the young women Josh sexually assaulted. It's representative of a deeper problem within evangelical churches. This article by Lyz Lenz, explains the deeper problem well.

The solution is not going to come from changing policy within evangelical churches. The solution is going to come from women standing up for themselves and no longer tolerating abuse and being forced to protect abusers. Lyz Lenz's article explains how women are blamed and held responsible for much of male abuse. She's right and this is insane.

The solution to stopping abuse within evangelical churches is for women to rise up and stop it.

We are daughters of Abraham. Since when does a daughter of Abraham have to stand down?

We have to say a collective "NO" when it comes to abuse of all kinds.

We are the only ones who can stop this epidemic in our churches.

When abuse happens and we are told to forgive and the abuser gets off with a simple apology, we have to push for more.

As Lyz Lenz said in her article, "Abusive personalities seek closed systems in which to abuse, and the mainstream Evangelical church provides that in spades." And she is right. We women have to reject the idea of a closed system and make the decision that no abuse will be hidden, that no abuse will go unreported, that no abuse will be allowed to continue and that abusers do not get off with a simple apology.

No doubt, God is full of mercy, grace and truth. He is also full of justice. Those who let a sex offender off with a simple apology are practicing cheap grace. Grace is free, but it was not cheap.

We women have power to stop abuse in our churches. It's high time we exercised that power.

We can't allow ourselves to be part of the problem....part of a system that covers up, minimizes and allows this abuse to continue.

Let no one silence you as you speak out to stop abuse. As a daughter of Abraham, no one has the power or authority to stop you from stopping abuse.

~Tricia