Non-Negotiable

As a mom, I've always practiced a number of non-negotiable actions in rearing my kids. In recent conversations with one of my wonderful sisters, we've talked about parenting and how challenging it is to raise kids. She's had a few bad experiences with other people's kids lately while out and about. As the mom of eight kids, this is constantly on my mind. I'm always interested in what is best for my kids, always focused on what I can be doing to ensure they are going to grow up to know God and also be responsible adults. Here is a list of some non-negotiable things I've practiced over the years, along with the reasons for them:

God comes first - God commanded such (reason enough).

Rudeness will not be tolerated - Rudeness is a cruel form of abuse.

Respect is required - Loving me was up to them, but my kids had to show respect because God said so.

Saying "please" and "thank you" is required. Saying "please" destroys the notion that a child can demand anything. Saying "thank you" teaches a child gratitude, even if they are saying it because it is required. 

The lesson is still there.

Look me in the eye when you talk to me. Looking people in the eye when talking to them shows confidence and respect. This will take a child a long way in life. Even if they were saying, "Mommy, I don't want to..." (do this or that), they had to look me in the eye and say it.

I looked them in the eye when talking to them.  Even in times of discipline, I always tried to make sure they were looking at me, as though we were the only two people in the room, so they could fully understand what I was saying. This gives my words weight in their lives, shows them I am not taking things lightly, and that I respect them as a person.

Dinner is about more than just food.  With eight kids, life can get pretty hectic and life's lessons can get lost in the chaos.  I treated dinner as an event in our house - and I still do - because it was always such a rich opportunity to teach the kids.  A few non-negotiable things about dinner:

Everyone stays at the table until everyone else is finished eating.

Ask to be excused.

Food is served in serving dishes on the table, not out of the pan on the stove. 

(The exception to this is when I make a large pasta dish and serve it from the pan on the table or a big pot of soup served from the pot on the table. But, these pans are stove-to-table ready.)

Napkins are used.

Food is passed around the table in an orderly fashion.

No one starts eating until all food has been passed around.

Silverware is used. We generally set out all silverware - knife, fork, spoon - for each meal.

All dinner conversations include all dinner participants.

Everyone clears their own dishes.

Moving on from dinner: 

Toys are to be picked up before bed. There were times we tripped over toys a lot, but at the end of the day, they had to pick them up. I went by age - the 4-year-old picked up 4 toys, etc - and that worked well. The reason is obvious, everyone has to clean up after themselves in life. Starting young works best.

Each child was doing their own laundry by age 10. This has paid off big with my sons, whose wives LOVE the fact that their husbands help with the laundry and they did not have to be taught. We assigned laundry days and everyone does their own.

Mean what you say and say what you mean. I do not talk in riddles to my kids and make them figure out what I am trying to say. I do not allow my kids to talk in riddles, either. They have to look me in the eye and say what they mean, then they have to mean what they say. This makes them accountable to their own words; they own them, they have to live with the consequences of them. I've heard many parents make idle threats and their kids' behavior shows it because they are not taken seriously. If my kids acted up in church or out at a restaurant somewhere, all we had to do is say, "Do we need to go for a walk?" and they knew that meant trouble for them. They knew this because every single time we threatened to take one of them for a walk of discipline, one of us (my hubby or I) followed through and took them for that walk. So, they knew their parents would not throw out idle threats. I recall only a small handful of times I actually had to follow through, because the reality was a given and they knew it.

As parents, we are a united team; we will never be pitted against one another. If a kid says, "Dad said it was ok..." I always checked with their dad. They learned early on that we would do this. This not only protected them, it strengthened the family overall.

Young moms, if you're struggling with your kids' behavior, practice these non-negotiable things in their lives. It will make a huge difference in their behavior. This not only produces great kids, but it really makes parenting much easier!  I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent. My word, not even a chance Nor do I think I have perfect kids. My word, not even close. Mostly we adopted these practices out of desperation to retain control of our household. We had so many babies so very quickly, it was clearly evident early on that we had to be a united force, get and stay organized, and treat our kids like we want to be treated.

This is discipline. It works. Make 2013 a great year for your kids!

~Tricia

Who Are Those Men?

I heard male voices.  I looked at my husband and said, "Who are those men?  Who's talking out there?"

We were on vacation, my husband, myself and our two youngest sons, ages 14 & 16. No one else was at the cabin but the four of us, so hearing these deep male voices was a surprise to me.  I listened. A minute passed. The men kept talking.

Then I knew.

Those men are my little boys!

My, oh, my. In an instant I was taken back to the time, when my oldest son was 12 years old and I awoke to a man's voice in the house.  I was frantic for a minute, jumping out of bed and running down the stairs to see who the kids had let in the house without my knowledge.  As I got down the stairs, breathless, my 12-year-old said, in a deep, unrecognizable voice, "Hey, Mom."

What?  I demanded, "Why are you talking like that?"

"I'm just talking, Mom, not 'like' anything."

My boy.  There was no cracking of the voice over a months-long process of his voice changing. It was overnight. Instantaneous. Irreversible.

My, oh, my.

My now 16-year-old, my 4th son,  has had his deep voice for some time now, as has my 14-year-old. But something clicked inside me when I heard the two of them talking and sounding like men.

I see many of my younger friends on facebook expressing how overwhelming their little ones are at times. And I smile, but I also remember.  It IS overwhelming.  I remember when I had five kids in seven years' time. I remember when I had three in diapers at once - and I used cloth diapers!  I remember when I could not keep any food in the house.  I remember when all eight kids lived at home and we went through 16 gallons of milk, 23 large loaves of bread and five dozen eggs a week!  I remember baking everything from scratch, baking nearly every day, because cookies must be had and Little Debbie was too pricey for our family.

I remember.

And I smile.

And I thank our gracious God for His generosity to me in giving me eight healthy children, yes, even my little boys who are now grown men.

Overwhelming?  For sure.  But beyond rewarding.......this motherhood thing has eternal rewards.

My word.

Young moms, savor.  The time is flying. Savor even on the days you want to pull your hair out.

~Tricia

Not My Kids

I think the man thought it was innocent enough.  He loved birds and loved to take pictures of them.  We live on the property our church owns, which houses about 110 trees, mostly oak, but some crab apple and a few maples and several evergreens.  So, we have a lot of birds and this man used to stop his van along our property to take pictures of the birds. But, I didn't know he was just taking pictures of the birds and my boys were out sledding and this man stopped his van right near the small "hill" where my boys were sledding.  I had no idea who he was, what he wanted, etc., so when I saw him stopped there, so close to my boys,  then saw him talking to them, I donned my coat, boots and gloves and walked over.

I approached his van and introduced myself.  Immediately, the man was defensive.  I'd said, "Hi!  My name is Tricia.  I'm their mom." (pointing to my boys)

He said, "So?"

I said, "Well, I see that you've stopped near where they are sledding, so I thought it best to come introduce myself and find out what you need here."

He said, "I'm just taking pictures of the birds. I'm not going to hurt your boys."

"Well," I said, "I like to know people who are talking to my boys."

With that, he reiterated that he was not going to "hurt" my boys, but only wanted pictures of the birds. He then drove off.  He started coming less and less, I kept a close eye at all times, wrote down his license plate number and warned my boys about talking to him.  They complied. He no longer stops to take pictures.

The message is loud and clear:  If someone wants access to my kids, they have to go through me. If someone will not speak to me or talk decently to me, they do not get to talk to my kids.

My word. You would not believe how often I have to act on this principle.  My job as their mom is to ensure their safety.  I do not believe my boys are emotionally, physically or spiritually safe around people who will not talk to their mom.  Period.  There are people who will not speak to me but actively try to talk to my kids.  Not gonna happen.  I will do whatever I can to protect my kids from such people, no secrets about it, no apologies given.

~Tricia

Motherhood Is a Job

Motherhood is a job. In the spirit of journalist Pamela Kripke, let me repeat that. Motherhood is a job.  Pamela was recently published at the Huffington Post with an article about motherhood, titled Work, Yes; Job, No.  I beg to differ. Let me set the context for you so that you can understand why I strongly disagree with her on this. 

Her reasons for not calling motherhood a job are too narrowly focused.  She said, "When I became a mother, I don't remember filling out an application, or submitting a resume, or answering silly questions about my strengths and weaknesses."   Is she indicating that if someone does fill out an application, their motherhood can qualify as a job?  If so, then only adopting mothers are doing a job when rearing their adopted kids because they surely do have to fill out an application. They do have to answer "silly" questions about strengths and weaknesses.  They really do.

She said, "If your mothering "job" is not going well, you cannot quit and find a different line of work." Is that what makes a job a job?  The ability to quit that job?  Many, many people are unable to quit their jobs due to a number of  reasons. Does that mean those jobs aren't real jobs?  

She said, "If you solve a particularly challenging mothering problem, you do not get a pay increase." I beg to differ.  Our pay as mothers does not come in a weekly paycheck. It comes in the success of our children and their ability to go into the world and solve problems because we've shown them the patience and fortitude it takes to solve those problems. 

She said, "You do not get a bonus once you've read 1,000 books out loud, or kept your kids away from marijuana."  I beg to differ on this point, too.  You do get a bonus when you've read 1,000 books aloud. The bonus is far greater than a few extra dollars in a paycheck. The bonus is the compassion and care your child learns from you in those moments, then takes into the world when they grow up and make it a better place.  And I might add, a better place without marijuana.

She said, " You do not get the Productivity Award when you have another baby."  I'm sorry that Pamela did not get a Productivity Award when she had her babies.  I did get Productivity Awards!  My husband brought me flowers and take-out and bragged to all our family and friends and rewarded my productivity right fine.  My Productivity Awards are in the form of eight birth certificates.

She said, "And you do not get the closest parking spot in the lot if your colleagues like you. Kids are not colleagues, and they don't have to like you."  How much closer of a parking spot can you get than your own driveway? 

Throughout her entire article, the premise for work to be a "job" is for it to pay monetarily. There are many, many people who start businesses in and outside of the home who don't earn money from it for a very long time. Aren't they working a job?  They are.  Her article didn't consider those people.  It should have because if one is going to write about such a broad base as motherhood, their writing has to include all motherhood.

I am a stay-at-home mom and have been for 30 years.  I have eight children. I have home schooled for 25 years and have four years to go in our home school.  But, we are not rich by any stretch of the imagination; far, far from it.  We made choices to go without certain things so that I could stay home and rear my own kids.  My husband has often worked two or more jobs outside the home, while I have raised money on the internet from home from time to time.

When people ask me what I do, I tell them I am a mother and homemaker.  I tell them I am a writer on the side, but that my first job is more important.  The fact that Pamela, and people like her, only define a job as one that earns a monetary paycheck speaks to the sad state of our nation and how materially-focused we are.

Hilary Rosen may not have intended to insult motherhood in her comments about Ann Romney, but she did just that.  One would think that a highly educated woman in today's world would know better than to say something so insensitive and questionable, good intentions or not. 

I have always taken my job as a mother as seriously as any "job" I see out there.  I took it on as a job because I had goals and did my mothering intentionally, not just because I had given birth.   Calling motherhood my job in no way diminishes my role in my children's lives. It makes it better. Calling motherhood my job is not reducing my role into a list of tasks.  Motherhood is not about tasks, housework is about tasks and motherhood and housework are not synonymous. I could call myself a homemaker and that translates into making a home for my family.  But, even that is not reduced to a list of tasks for me because I'll abandon any and all housework when one of my kids calls out for me to come see the latest bird he's spotted in the grove of trees.  The list of tasks can wait when one of my kids wants to go for a bike ride with me.  The list of tasks does not define me; it's not part of the job of motherhood.  Motherhood trumps all tasks.

Motherhood is a job and those of us who do our mothering intentionally with specific goals for ourselves while we invest in the lives of our children do the "job" well and the "pay" and "bonuses" are truly out of this world.

As a Christian mom, the main thing I learned early on is that, from my home, the only things I can take into eternity with me are my children.  I was first an evangelist in their lives and that job has been successful as all eight of my children know Jesus Christ and live for Him.   Because of the vast job description and what it entails, motherhood is the absolute best title for my job and I, for one, DO tell people that's my job when they ask. 

I am a mom.  It's my job.  I am privileged to have had the luxury of being able to stay at home with my kids all day, every day.  The real praise goes to my husband of 32 years, who has worked tirelessly to provide for us so that I could stay home.  He's worked up to three income-earning jobs at once, yet was not an absentee dad.  He sacrificed watching sports, developing his hobby (trains), going out with the guys (he just never, ever did) and watching television so that he would either be providing for or spending time with our kids.  I am one very privileged mom.  If one looked at our bank account, they would not even consider that I live a privileged life.  But, I am, indeed, very privileged.

~Tricia

Why I Love Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

I am extremely privileged. Extremely.

I am a stay-at-home mom.  I know there's always been a big debate over staying home with the kids and going to work out in the world.  Quite frankly, none of those discussions ever really reached me because I was too busy basking in the fact that I got to stay home and raise my kids.  I consider this one of the greatest privileges of my life.

Let me tell you a few things that being a stay-at-home mom has allowed me to do and learn:

• First of all, being home with my kids has given me freedom to think. Yes, even while raising eight kids, I had time to think.  Thinking is highly important.
• Having time to think gave me motivation to write.  I'm a free-lance writer and find that writing gives me a voice even when circumstances might not.  Thinking and writing go hand in hand, so each is essential to the other.
• Being home with my kids allowed me to home school them.  We are now in year 25 of our home school and I'm still loving it as much as I did at first.  I've always loved it; it suits our family.
• Being home with my kids allows me to diversify my interests.  I work best with many irons in the fire and being at home has allowed me to do that.  I've done a few things over the years, from direct sales to running an ebay business; from real estate investing to running a grief counseling organization, all from home. Being at home has allowed all these things to materialize because I had the freedom and time to put these things together.
• Being a stay-at-home mom has allowed me to become a great cook and baker.  Out of necessity, I had to learn how to cook and cook well to feed this massive family.  I did not learn to cook growing up. As a matter of fact, I don't recall cooking even one single thing before I set out on my own. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.  But, now, I have become a great cook and have even developed my own recipes that I return to again and again.  My kids prefer my home-made pizza to take-out!  And, I love to bake, which is something I never thought I could do.
• Being a stay-at-home mom did not hinder my earning potential.  I have always been able to earn money from home.  Between my free-lance writing, real estate investing and other home-based businesses, I've always been able to contribute to the household budget.  Plus, I became a savvy shopper and a bargain hunter, took advantage of yard sales and thrift shops and baked only from scratch, which saved a bundle. A person's earning potential is only limited by their imagination.  If I can pick up a thrift-store item for 99 cents, then turn around and sell it on ebay for $300, anyone can!
• Being home with my kids has allowed me to minister more to them than any other people, anywhere. They were my evangelistic focus and I was always very conscience of their spiritual needs as I attempted to live out my faith in Christ before them.  All eight of my kids know Christ as Savior.
• Being home with my kids taught me the importance of wearing a necklace or bracelet.  To me, getting ready for the day meant that I would get a shower and put on jewelry of some sort so that not only would I feel put-together, thus giving myself initiative to do something, I would be an example to the kids.  I never had much initiative unless I was dressed and ready for the day.  I guess this taught me the power of initiative.

I could go on and on about this.  Looking back, I can honestly say that not only would I not change these circumstances, I would do it again. I would stay home with my kids if I had to do this all over again.

And, the main reason I was able to stay home with my kids is because my husband always worked so very hard to insure that I could.  He worked two and three jobs when necessary throughout the years so that I could stay home. For that, I am very deeply grateful.

~Tricia