Sunday, December 16, 2018

Four Reasons You Can be Glad Your Enemies are not Dead

Someone does you wrong. You are hurt, angry, in disbelief and experiencing a host of other well-justified emotions. It often happens within the church. Someone gossips about you, lies about you, lies to you, etc. We've all been there. We even wish punishment on them. We wonder how such a holy God can tolerate their abuse of others. We hope God will pour out His righteous judgment on them so we can get justice and feel vindicated.

But that normally doesn't happen.

Now what?

I'll tell you what.

Rejoice and be exceedingly glad. If God were in the practice of striking people dead for hurtful infractions they inflict on others, we'd all be dead.

Be glad your enemies are not dead because it means God is showing mercy.

And if God shows them mercy, as horrible as they are, you can be sure He will show you mercy. It doesn't mean what they did to you was justified or tolerable. It means His mercy endures forever. Rejoice.

Be glad your enemies are not dead because it means they have more time to get right with God.

True Christianity compels us to want even our enemies to come to God. His patience with them gives them more time to get right with Him. If you are in the midst of  pain caused by others, you might not see it, but God has vision beyond our pain and we can count on His unchanging character to carry us through. This is mercy and grace, things we all need.

Be glad your enemies are not dead because it means there's time for your relationship with them to heal.

You might think this statement is ludicrous, but I've seen it happen. I've seen people who were stark enemies have their hearts softened toward each other and their relationship was restored. God is the God of restoration, no one does it better or more thoroughly, or through more impossible obstacles.

Be glad you enemies are not dead because they, too, have loved ones.

It might be hard to fathom that your enemy has someone who loves them, but they do. Everyone comes from a family and most go on to create their own families. While it's hard for you to see how anyone can love someone who has hurt you so deeply, it's true that some people do love them and it might be too grievous for those loved ones to lose them.

Rejoice in life - even the life of your enemies.
~Tricia




Thursday, December 6, 2018

9 Things I Taught My Sons About Dating

My five sons have called me a drill sergeant, a title I take with pride. I was strict with all eight of my kids, but today, because I've become aware of some dating red flags among Christians, I want to focus on things I taught my sons when they started dating.

I didn't necessarily sit them down and give them a list or even a speech where these things were delivered in a formal way. Rather, these things were addressed as they came up, but were universal for all my sons.

This list assumes Christians participants.

1. She owes you nothing. You may fall in love with her, but that love gives you no rights with her. She can choose not to love you back and you cannot make her love you. She owes you nothing in return. A love that expects love in return isn't love and you're better off getting over it quickly.

2. You get to have zero expectations. You cannot expect a girl to drop her life and be at your beck and call. She has a life of her own and you have to respect that. Expectations kill relationships.

3. Her relationship with Jesus is hers and hers, alone. She does not have to follow anyone's lead when it comes to her relationship with Jesus. You have no say in her relationship with Jesus. Do not expect to have influence, input or claims to her relationship with Jesus. Should you marry this girl, this point is true beyond the wedding. She may choose to include you in her relationship with Jesus, but the choice is hers and you don't get to weigh in on it.

4 You are not her boss. This is America; she has freedom to go where she wants, with whom she wants, when she wants. You cannot influence or interfere with her relationships with other people. You don't get to decide who her friends are, or make her choose your friends - or you - over her friends.

5. You are not the leader in the relationship. Even after you're in a committed relationship with a girl, you are not her leader. She does not need a leader because the Holy Spirit lives in her as much as He does in you and is perfectly capable of leading her as He promised. You do not take the Holy Spirit's place in her life.

6. No means no. "No" is a complete sentence. Do not beg, coerce, trick or otherwise try to engage her in any thing she does not want to participate in.

7. She does not owe you an explanation. If she says no to an invitation to a date, party or other event, take no for an answer and let it go. She does not have to tell you why. She might choose to tell you why, but if you ask and she doesn't want to tell you, she does not have to. See #6 and #1.

8. She is not your everything. Jesus is your everything. If she becomes your everything, your relationship with Jesus has taken a back seat and you are out of line.

9. You are not her spiritual leader. As a believer in Jesus Christ, she is a priest and needs no one else to be her spiritual leader. This extends beyond the wedding, too. Scripture teaches the priesthood of all believers....she does not need your spiritual leadership and Scripture does not support it.

I realize this list is for boys and men, only, but I felt it pertinent to write out this list because of the abuse I am seeing inside young relationships. This list is not to indicate that girls are never abusive. They can be and many are. For this post, however, I'm addressing it from the male perspective and from what I have taught my own sons. I can write a similar list for girls at another time.

As a side note to this, youth group leaders should not be teaching young men how to be the leaders in their relationships, but I see that many are, under the guise of "preparing them for marriage." This is hogwash. Youth leaders need to equally teach both young women and young men to love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength and to love their neighbor as themselves. Parents, settle for nothing less. You call the shots with your teens, call them loudly and without apology.

~Tricia


Saturday, November 24, 2018

The Real Black Friday Woe

I've seen the posts on my Facebook timeline....the ones where Black Friday crowds are compared to crowds of people in a third-world country who have nothing but are still happy. I'm not sure what the motivation is for people posting those, but I want to talk about those pictures for a minute.

Let me preface this post by saying I don't go out shopping for Black Friday sales, but it's not because I hate the idea of Black Friday or because I am affected by pictures of people with nothing in third-world countries. I don't do Black Friday because I hate crowds of people. I don't do rallies or large concerts or sporting events for the same reason. I did attend a few Baltimore Orioles games in the past few years, but was willing to go because we had box seats and there are only a handful of people in a box seat and they feed you very well. (Oh, those crab cakes!) I don't avoid Black Friday for any noble reason.

I did Black Friday twice in my life that I can remember and it was when my oldest two kids were really little. I went with my sister-in-law, who went every year, and I was stressed out, peopled-out and exhausted by the end of the day. It's not my cup of tea.

But, I think those who do participate in Black Friday are doing a great thing. They are bargain hunting all while boosting our economy. Black Friday and other major sales which bring people out are part of the reason we are not a third-world country. Not only does it show that our Republic is thriving, it shows an energetic economy that is continuing to grow.

So, before we come down hard on those Black Friday shoppers, we need to stop for a minute and realize all they do for our economy. We need to realize we are a first-world country because our economy is strong and sales like this are possible.

We have an expectation here in the USA that families should all stay home on Thanksgiving and do family things. But, some families don't need such a box to operate in. Some families can bond over a bargain or by going to lunch together after a full morning of shopping that started at 5am. Not every family has the opportunity to do what most people think is a traditional Thanksgiving. I, personally, don't like the idea of going out shopping on Thanksgiving Day or the day after because I do all the cooking and am pretty exhausted afterward. Plus, again, the crowds.

I would like to see less condemnation of Black Friday shoppers and, instead, see more "live and let live." One shopping trip when a person can save the most money does not indicate they have their priorities mixed up, it might be the only way some can even give gifts to their loved ones. It does not indicate they are not laying treasures in Heaven. God so loved that He gave and most people are giving to mimic that, however short they fall. Only God knows their hearts.

A free market economy like we enjoy here in this great Republic allows us to give more to those poor people of the world who have nothing. It allows us to employ people and cause economic growth. Many great American individuals and organizations have helped start schools, businesses, rebuild towns, provided needed medical care, etc., in third-world countries. Without our robust economy, we would not be able to do that.

Yes, I know, some people go to Black Friday events and get violent and aggressive, but aggressive, violent behaviors happen regardless of Black Friday because there continues to be evil people in the world.

Enjoy your free market economy and realize it's why you are not sitting on a street corner in your own dirt with nothing.

The real Black Friday woe is the condemnation of its participants by those who make themselves judges.

Go shopping guilt free.
(Guilt is a deceptive motivator anyway.)

~Tricia


Thursday, September 13, 2018

The Female Priests

If you go through the doctrinal statement of an evangelical church, you will no doubt find "the priesthood of all believers" as one of the doctrines they adhere to. This adherence is based on I Peter 2:9, which says, "But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light:"

Evangelical churches embrace this verse with passion, but I'm sorry to say, it appears they only practice part of it.

Let's take a look at the priesthood. As recorded in Hebrews 9:1-7, we know that the Old Testament priests had to adhere to a very strict set of regulations when entering the tabernacle and only the high priest could enter the "holy of holies," which was behind a curtain or veil. This is a very brief summary of the workings of the tabernacle, so please read the Scriptures for the full story. There is an area in the tabernacle where only one person on the planet was allowed to enter and he had to enter in a very specific way, on a very specific date and for a very specific reason. Leviticus 16:2-34 gives a more detailed account, as do several other passages of Scripture.

For this blog post, I simply wanted to point out the fact that before the death of Jesus Christ, there was a veil separating us from God and only an appointed high priest could access the area behind the veil.

In Matthew 27, we find Jesus on the cross. Verse 50 - 52 say, "Jesus, when he had cried out again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost. At that moment, the veil of the temple was torn in two, from the top to the bottom; and the earth shook and the rocks were split and the graves were opened and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised."

At the moment Jesus died, the veil was torn in two and rendered unnecessary. There was no longer a veil separating us from God. Emmanuel, being God with us, had destroyed the barriers. The veil is gone, hence 1 Peter 2:9 applies to all who believe in the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ. We all have equal access to God; there is no longer the need for a priest.

This is where the waters get muddy in evangelical circles. While any evangelical you meet will vehemently state they surely do believe in the priesthood of all believers, they will also tell you they believe a husband is the spiritual head of the wife.

How the churches teach and practice this priesthood conflicts with their own doctrinal statements.  They are wrong in their practice. This is anti-biblical teaching. It's anti-biblical because God, Himself, states the very opposite of this. The husband is not the spiritual head of the wife; Jesus is the only head. It's vital to understand this in an age where secrets of abuse are finally being revealed and the abuse is deeply rooted in patriarchy.

We female priests have equal standing in Jesus. We have equal access to the understanding of Scripture since we have the Holy Spirit living within us as believers in Jesus. Scripture does not have a patriarchal filter. We women do not have to step aside; we are priests.

Gals, let no one - not a husband, not a father, not a pastor, not anyone - come between Jesus and you. God is talking directly to us, girls. No one stands between us. We are priests.

~Tricia


Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Are Women Distractions?

Joe* was organizing an event at his church that spanned several nights. In an effort to include as many young people as possible, Joe planned to use both boys and girls as ushers.

A male leader in Joe's church took Joe aside and questioned him about using girls as ushers, telling him he didn't think it was a good idea. Joe was taken off-guard by this because he saw no rules against female ushers anywhere in the Bible or within his church's own policies. So, he asked this leader why he didn't think it was a good idea.

This church leader had one answer: "They are a distraction."

Wait, what? Women and girls can't be ushers in a church because they are a distraction?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

No, Mr. Church Leader, women and girls are not distractions.....the problem is you. Mr. Church Leader, you have a problem with lust. Don't try to cover your sin up by putting a label on all the female people in the congregation. Your sin problem is HUGE and is leading to the abuse of other people.

You are denying women the opportunity to serve Jesus because YOU lust after them every time they walk by.

You are denying women the respect you are commanded to give them (I Timothy 5:2) because YOU lust after them every time they walk by.

You are potentially causing another church member (Joe in this case) to stumble in their faith because YOU can't control your thought process around all women.

If women are denied the opportunity to serve Jesus because church leadership finds them distracting, it's the church leadership who has the problem and the women should not be punished because of it. It's like telling them, "Because we find you attractive and are distracted by your beauty, you do not get to serve Jesus."

Oh, my.

This mindset has to stop. It's part of the problem. In I Timothy 5:2, Paul admonishes Timothy to treat the older women as mothers and the younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. So, church leaders who find women so distracting that they can't so much as "allow" her to serve as an usher need to examine their own hearts and get their lustful thoughts under control - or resign as unqualified.

This shows me that women in evangelical churches are held captive to the unholy, ungodly, sinful thoughts of men and this is dangerous. It's akin to making allowance for sin...like saying the pastor can't control his thoughts so we'll control the women instead of dealing with the sinful lusts of the pastor.

Do you realize how common this is?
I shudder.
If you're interested in knowing more about how this subtle attitude hurts women and hinders ministry, click here.

~Tricia






Thursday, July 19, 2018

Get Outta My Church!

We had attended a new church for a couple months and were initially glad to find a church that seemed to preach the Truth. It has been a difficult journey since moving to MD over five years ago. Even conservative Baptist churches are not preaching the Word; they are steeped in Secular Humanism.

So, we found this little church in a tight neighborhood and the "senior pastor" preached mostly expository messages. He veered off into opinion occasionally, but I've learned to tune that out. We even said "Amen" aloud a couple times. The people were friendly, a couple women even hugged me. They seemed sincere. They did not make announcements or utilize a bulletin of any sort, so we never felt we knew what was going on other than Sunday morning. I thought that was strange.

One Sunday, we got there to find that the "senior pastor" was out of town and his son, the "assistant pastor" would be preaching. This son is very green and clearly needs some homiletics training. But, we aren't going to cause a fuss over an ill-experienced preacher who is still learning to preach. We all start somewhere. However, one thing he said in his sermon struck a sour cord with me, but it had nothing to do with God's Word or God at all. He said our military men and women go into battle thinking they could never die; that they think it could never happen to them. He said they just go into battle with a flippant attitude. I shifted in my chair. My son had gone into battle....and before he did, he had to sign over power of attorney to us. He knew what could happen to him. He wasn't flippant.

Afterward, when this young man and his wife were greeting us at the door, I said - in passing, not as a confrontation - that our military men and women go into battle fully aware of what could happen to them.....but they go anyway. He said, "Oh, sure, sure.....yeah."

A few weeks later, the son preached again. This time, he butchered James 1, completely misrepresenting the passage and in a very damaging way. We felt bad for the congregation. At the door, as he shook his hand, my husband invited the young man to take a second look at James 1, read it over slowly and simply take a second look. Who would reject an invitation to take a second look at a passage of Scripture? Humility requires that we all respond positively to such an invitation.

However, the next day, my husband got an email from the "senior pastor" telling us that since David and I both met his son with opposition, and because he read my blog, we were no longer welcome to attend his church.

Now, because of red flags in their teachings and practices I was already seeing, I, personally, had already realized I could never put my full heart into that ministry. But, his reasons for kicking us out make no sense.

My threefold rebuttal:

Disagreeing with someone with zero military experience about the mindset of our military men and women is not opposition, it's education. Clearly, this kid is not teachable. Unteachable people are not qualified to preach/teach.

Inviting someone to take a second look at a passage of Scripture is not opposition, it's an act of love.

And concerning my blog, well, all I can say is, dude, you're not the first pastor I've scared off and it's highly likely you won't be the last.

I firmly believe every person who presents God's Word in any way, shape or form must be up for questioning. I will question everyone. Never one time did Jesus admonish someone not to question Him.

Any pastor who is not open to questioning, but frames any question or comment (and even invitations to look more closely at the Word) as "opposition" is not qualified to be in any pulpit.

I suspect - and this is pure speculation on my part - that this pastor is too afraid that the women in his congregation might find out they can have independent thoughts outside of their husbands' and pastors' control and he will have none of that. Every cult has to subdue the women at all times.

Carry on, little cult, carry on. One day you will know the truth.
~Tricia


Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Whose Word is it Anyway?

I heard a young man preach last Sunday. I think the young man has potential, but he has a lot to learn about preaching God's Word. Throughout his sermon, he repeated that this is God's Word, this is what God has said, etc. He reiterated this several times, yet when it came to the actual Word, he changed what God said. He turned it into his own words, but kept God's name on it, passing it off as God's. He preached his word to the people, claiming it was God's Word, but it wasn't at all.

Here's what he did. He took James 1:2, which says, "...count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience," and he changed it to say, "...count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith, when you have the proper response, when handled right, produces patience."

Do you see the difference? He added "when you have the proper response, when handled right" to God's Word, effectively turning his sermon into one of Secular Humanism instead of one of God.

Whose Word is it? When we muddy the clear, pure waters of God's Word with our own secular, humanistic ideas and pass them off as God's, we are not only leading the sheep down a dangerous path, we are jeopardizing our own theology, making us more vulnerable to the rampant false teaching that plagues our churches today.

Be sure, it is God's Word and only God's Word will accomplish His purpose.

Listen to every sermon with a critical ear.

Take no one's word for God's Word.

Look things up for yourself.

If a preacher changes God's Word to suit an agenda (usually an attempt to control people's behavior), do not listen to that preacher.

You have the right and responsibility to question anyone who is teaching God's Word. If they do not receive your questions, they are not worthy or qualified to deliver God's Word.

Be like the Bereans, who were praised for looking things up for themselves. This was no small feat on their part, either, since #1, the entire Bible had not yet been written and #2, there weren't printed copies or a local book store to buy one from. STILL, they looked things up for themselves.....Acts 17:11-12a, "they searched the Scriptures daily to see if these things were so. Therefore, many of them believed..."

~Tricia


Thursday, July 5, 2018

Is the Church Producing Weak Men?

I was recently asked, "Is the church producing weak men?"

My answer:

The church is failing to make strong disciples of either gender. It's not a question of whether men are being made strong in their faith, it's a question of whether any Christian is being made strong in their faith. A better question is, "Is the church equipping the saints for the work of the ministry?" and "Is the church making strong disciples who are grounded in doctrine?"

Asking whether the church is producing weak men is ignoring at least half the people there. No church leadership should be asking this question. I believe it's part of the problem. If we focus on one gender and attempt to produce strength in only one gender, we are weakening the entire church.

In Ephesians 4:11-13, it says, "And he gave some, apostles, some, prophets, some, evangelists and some, pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect (mature) person, unto the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ."

In these verses, there is no gender specification. While some might want to apply it in a gender specific way, it simply is not written in a gender specific way. Such an application would be amiss.

Now, to go back to the initial question of whether the church is producing strong disciples. There are weaknesses in the making of disciples in the church and that weakness is rooted in Secular Humanism, which is the primary thing being taught in a good number of evangelical churches. Secular Humanism comes wrapped in patriarchy and has been devastating to our churches as well as our sons and daughters.

My husband and I didn't raise our kids in a gender-specific way. By this I mean we didn't have different rules for the boys or the girls. Everyone had to live by the same rules in our house. There was no idea that "boys will be boys," meaning they got away with certain actions just because they were boys. Our girls got in as much trouble as our boys. Our girls got as dirty as our boys. Neither gender got special treatment. Everyone had to be kind, thoughtful, obedient, compassionate, and humble. And "Even Steven" has never been welcome at our house.

Many Christian people actually encourage men and boys to define themselves through strength, aggression and competitiveness. This hides the real character of Jesus Christ and leaves our men and boys feeling like they don't have a model of masculinity that allows for fear or grief or tenderness or the occasional sadness that can overwhelm any of us at times. To teach men and boys to define themselves through strength, aggression and competitiveness is faulty because Jesus says his strength is made perfect in weakness and we are to treat others as more important than ourselves. So, to define a "man" as one who shows strength, aggression and competitiveness is to misrepresent all men as ones who cannot identify with Christ at all.

If you want to save our children - save our sons - save our daughters, give them Jesus and realize their gender means nothing in light of the gospel. Kids don't need special treatment based on gender. Kids need Jesus and the life-changing power and news of the gospel of God.

Stop the influx of Secular Humanism into our pulpits and preach Jesus and this will make strong disciples of each gender....and you won't care what gender anyone is!

~Tricia


Thursday, June 21, 2018

Abandon This One Thing to have a Strong Marriage

The short answer to the one thing you have to abandon to have a strong marriage is: expectations. For those of you who want more than the short answer, read on...

I recently read an article (read it here) that a friend posted on Facebook. It's a good article, but I want to take the author's concept deeper.

The article says unmet expectations are the biggest marriage killers. Yes, I agree that unmet expectations are certainly marriage killers, or at the very least, marriage damaging factors.

I want to look at how evangelical churches fuel this marriage killer, doing much more harm than good.

One thing churches do is isolate portions of Scripture to one gender. They say, "Men, love your wives!" and "Women, submit!" and they seem to think this is how marriage works. They are wrong, this is not how marriage works. Loving and submission are not gender-specific concepts. Scripture teaches mutual submission in Ephesians 5:21 and personal humility without gender specificity in Philippians 2:3.

One could argue that the Bible does tell husbands to love and it does tell wives to submit and they would be right. But what the Bible does not do is teach love and submission as gender-exclusive concepts. However, many churches do teach them as gender-exclusive concepts and some even teach them as roles. Love is not just for husbands and submission is not just for wives.  Scripture is filled with examples that showcase this idea, like when God told Abraham to obey the voice of his wife, Sara. (Genesis 21:12)

Teaching love and submission as gender-exclusive concepts creates expectations that will certainly never be met. In this way, the church fuels expectations and this leads to an array of different results, including frustration, abuse, disappointment, disillusionment, and divorce. .

Love and submission are not roles. I've heard many evangelical pastors teach that a man's role is to love his wife and a wife's role is to submit to her husband. This is wrong. Through this teaching, the church is again creating expectations that can and will never be met. I've had many well-meaning women send private messages to my inbox telling me how God is not going to bless me unless I remain in "His assigned role for me," which they think is submission.

What these poor women do not understand is, submission is not my role. My "role" is the exact same thing it is for every Christian, male or female, across the globe: Love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and love my neighbor as myself. That's my role and God and I are the only ones who get to decide what that looks like because He told me to work out my own salvation (work out what my salvation means and looks like in my life).

Love and submission are not roles and love and submission are not gender-exclusive. If you love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself, you will love your spouse and you will submit to your spouse. The expectations are put on the Lord, not your spouse.

Put your expectations on Jesus, alone. He has invited you to do so and He cannot let you down. Hebrews 12:2 tells us to look to "Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith..." and He has kept no secrets, but laid out exactly what you can expect. You can expect eternal (abundant) life, you can expect an-ever present comfort in the Holy Spirit, you can expect guidance, peace that passes all understanding, a lack of anxiety, answered prayers, strength for each day, eternal hope, and on and on the list could go.

You cannot have these expectations of a spouse. What expectations can you have? Hmmm, very few. To even put any expectations on a spouse is tricky. If you communicate a few, like a joint commitment to stay out of debt or a joint commitment to raise the kids in a certain way, then an expectation can be ok. Even expectations like this can lead to frustration because each person processes these things in a different way. A wife might express that she wants the children to be raised on a strict daily schedule to keep order, but a husband might interpret that very differently on days he's in charge of the kids. This leads to chaos and frustration on the wife's part and if she says, "We agreed to the schedule," the husband could justifiably say, "We did have a schedule!" and her expectations are dashed. It gets cumbersome to lay down expectations when definitions are also required. Where does that even stop?

I'll tell you what you can expect. You can expect that God will continue to love you for eternity, that God will continue to be an ever-present help in times of trouble, that God will continue to meet your every need, that God is everything He has claimed to be - and more.

Set your expectations very high - and put them all on Jesus.
Then enjoy a long and happy marriage.
~Tricia

Thursday, May 3, 2018

Is this a Trick Question?

A met a young woman the other night. She was a guest in our home and, while friends with my two youngest sons, I hadn't met her until the other night. She reminded me of myself at her age. Petite, energetic, opinionated and outspoken. I liked her right away.

As I had off-and-on communication with her (they (she, another friend and my two sons) were watching a movie and grabbing snacks throughout), I noticed she used one phrase very frequently. She would often say, "Well, I'm a Baptist, so I don't do that..." or, "Oh, we're Baptists, we believe this or that," or, "Oh, you know us Baptists!" So, I was intrigued by this word usage and I asked her a few questions.

The next time she referred to being a Baptist in my presence, I said, "Oh, I see you're Baptist. Does that mean you ascribe to all the things your Baptist church teaches?"

She said, "Huh? I mean, um, is this a trick question?"

I said, "Certainly not. It's an honest question. I know what independent Baptist churches teach and I'm curious to know if you agree with and live your life by what they teach."

She said, "Well, I know women are supposed to submit to their husbands."

Now, before you think there were other words exchanged before she went straight to the topic of submission, let me assure you there were not. This was first and foremost on her mind. Her role is to submit. That's her main takeaway from her Baptist church.

I probed further, "Well, you're not married so that doesn't apply to you in that way, but don't miss the fact that men are also told to submit to their wives."

She looked at me curiously, but said, "Well, yeah......"

Then I asked my next question. I said, "Are you familiar with what is called the great commission?"

She said, "Well, I can't recall it word for word....."

I said, "It says something like, 'Go into all the world and teach all nations, baptizing them....etc...basically a commandment to make disciples."

"Yeah!" she exclaimed, "That's it! Yeah."

I asked, "Who is Jesus talking to when he says that?"

She replied, "Ummm...hmmm...is this a trick question?"

"I promise, I'm not asking any trick questions."

"Ok, well, I think he's talking to his disciples."

"And," I said, "who are his disciples?"

"People who followed him at the time......and....us? Yes, us."

"So, he's talking to you?"

"Yes."

"Never forget that. He's talking to you. He's not talking to a husband who will then instruct or allow you to serve him. He's talking directly to you. I just wanted to plant that seed with you and make sure you follow Jesus, not a husband or church leader. He's talking to you."

"Yeah....." she said rather wistfully.

Statement analysis:

Had this delightful young woman answered me with anything other than submission, I likely  would not have gone down this path. Her first statement about her church was about submission in marriage. This speaks volumes to me. I suspect her church is out of balance because a young, single woman ought to be looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of her faith, and not what a future relationship with a human male might have to do with her relationship with Jesus or her church, or even with him, the human male. The fact that she thought, twice, that I was asking her trick questions could mean that she is being groomed to fit into a box that some man or male leadership created for her. I hope she smashes that box and never goes in there.

We are not doing our young people any favors by emphasizing a concept like submission which has been grossly misinterpreted and misapplied within the church. When we neglect to teach Jesus and emphasize a personal relationship with him, we are leading our young people astray, male and female.

I believe this is a conditioning or grooming tactic used by church leadership to ensure a woman knows her "place" and will follow their idea that submission should be a woman's focus. This is wrong. The Bible does not teach this. This is secular humanism wrapped in patriarchy, created to oppress and subdue women. Men and boys are groomed to think they are always the leaders and women and girls are groomed to think they are always subordinate. This is wrong. Absolutely wrong. It turns my stomach.

Do not be fooled, girls. You belong to Jesus and he is to be your priority. He's talking to you, not through someone else to you. Your focus should not be submission; your focus should be Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith. Let no one teach you differently. Walk out if they try.

Galatians 1:8 & 9: "But though we or an angel from Heaven preach any other gospel to you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be cursed. As we said before, so say I again, if anyone preaches another gospel to you than that you have received, let him be cursed."

~Tricia


Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Who's your Boss? (Hint: It's not Your Pastor)

I recently read a church's position on a number of issues, including their "position" on women. Now, why a church has to have a "position" on women is beyond me. The Apostle Paul said in Galatians 3:28, "There is neither Greek nor Jew, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female, but you are all one in Christ Jesus," so that pretty much puts the "issue" of women at rest for eternity.

For the record, women are not "issues" who need a policy. Women are joint heirs with Christ.

But, apparently, this church is so afraid a woman might teach a man that they created an entire policy to keep their women in line (cult much?). The church says, "The entire Bible teaches a hierarchy of roles for the home and the church..." and claims that "because the basis of this principle is grounded in the nature of creation...." and they depend on how "it was commonly applied in the original New Testament churches." They go on to say, "Galatians 3:28 (quoted above) affirms the equality of men and women. While the functioning of families and the church involve different roles for men and women, that distinction in no way implies superiority of either gender."

But, the problem is, none of this is true of what Scripture teaches. You can't have it both ways. You can't claim a God-given hierarchy, then tell the peons they are equal. Hierarchy, by its very definition, means they simply are not.

Hierarchy is defined as, "a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority." (Dictionary.com) Given that definition, which is consistent from other sources as well, I am confused as to how a church can tell its women they are equal when men are given authority and/or status above them and make rules for them. This particular church claims that "the entire Bible teaches a hierarchy of roles for the home and the church," but they fail to show where "the entire Bible" teaches this. (Hint: No part of the Bible teaches this; it is a man-made idea. This is Secular Humanism.)

The "equality" they speak of is not the same equality you are thinking of. Their equality means, yes, they have equal value as a human being because they are made in the image of God, but that's as far as their equality goes. Do you think they mean equal access to the Savior? No, they don't. They mean access to the Savior as long as their husband (or father if they are not married), approves and they look to him as a "spiritual head." They don't encourage women to be independent students of the Word, they encourage women to follow their husbands first and Jesus second. (Never, ever do this. This makes your husband an idol.)

This church's rule book also states, "we don't ask women to assume roles where authoritative teaching and discipline occur." Given this, a woman really has no authority over her own children if they are in the presence of any male church leader. What a danger! (Again, cult much?) This is exactly why Donn Ketcham, ABWE's star doctor, was able to create an environment of abuse and carry his pedophilia on for decades in Bangladesh. (ABWE = The Association of Baptists for World Evangelism and they condoned, covered up and spread their prized doctor's (Donn Ketcham) pedophilia in Bangladesh and Michigan.) The mission board (ABWE) and their supporting churches gave Donn Ketcham complete authority over the other missionaries lives, including the lives of their children. This was all a set-up; Donn Ketcham did this intentionally so he could carry out this pedophilia without hindrance. His entire reason for going and being there was to practice pedophilia and he did it with no resistance for decades. Read more about this here

There is no room for hierarchy of any kind in a church. Godly women don't follow this kind of teaching or support it in any way. The definition of pastor/elder/deacon/bishop goes against the teaching these pastors/elders/deacons/bishops promote. Their role is servant. They are servants, not authority holders. They are to serve, not police.

So, let's understand the use of the word "authority" in the New Testament. Authority does not mean power over someone else's life. Your pastors/elders/deacons/bishops do not have authority over your life; they can't demand you live a certain way and enforce that demand. Their authority comes with what they are preaching. They are to preach and teach with authority over what they are preaching, not over the lives of the listeners. That authority comes only through the true preaching of the Word. God has spoken and one - anyone - who teaches what God has spoken is doing it with the authority God built into His Word. They (we) have authority to preach and teach the Word because the Word is what carries the authority. They do not have the authority to boss your life. They do not have authority to promote their own ideas/interpretations. Also, there is no Scriptural basis for preventing women from having the same authority if they are teaching God's Word because, again, it's the Word that holds the authority, not the people teaching. Jesus, Himself, appointed the first evangelist - and it was a woman - and her words of His resurrection carried all the authority of that resurrection.

We also have a responsibility with God's Word when we are listeners. Even if we are not in a position of teaching or preaching, we have the responsibility to only follow those teachers/preachers/leaders who follow Christ. We are to make sure what they are teaching is in line with the Scriptures (Acts 17:11) and confront them if it is not. If you ever hesitate to question your pastor, know that any pastor worth their salt is not only open to questioning, but welcomes it and from anyone. Those who don't welcome questioning should not be teaching/preaching. You do not have to support those who refuse to submit to questioning. I personally scrutinize every single sermon I hear. I double check to make sure the preacher has stayed true to the context, to the consistency of God's character and does not cross over to Secular Humanism (an easy cross-over).

Deciding to join a church does place us in a position of submission so as not to disrupt the order of services, etc., but that position does not contain a hierarchy. We are all admonished to "Submit yourselves one to another" in Ephesians 5:21. Submission is not exclusively for women. We each, leaders and learners, are to submit one to another. Everyone, without exception, is to submit to the next person. This is not optional, but neither is it enforceable, i.e. no one can demand certain behaviors and/or actions from you.

I was visiting a church one time when a visiting preacher got up to preach. The first thing he said was, "I'm going to talk about Ephesians 5, but I don't want you to open your Bibles, I just want you to listen." Shocked, I looked around and saw nearly everyone lay their Bible beside them and not open it. Not me. I opened right up to Ephesians 5 and was dismayed to see that the man talked only of his own ideas and interpretations the entire time. Afterward, I confronted him. I introduced myself, told him I was a visitor and then told him I was dismayed that he'd asked people not to open their Bibles. Immediately, this man was sorry. He said, "You are absolutely right. I never, ever should have done that you can bet I'll never do it again. Thank you." I gotta say, that man had true humility. Yes, he really did thank me for confronting him.

Listen to every sermon you hear with a critical ear. Take no one's word for anything, but look it all up for yourselves. Question everything and if you can't find the answers in the Scriptures yourself, talk to the preacher and ask for clarification on what they said, then correct them if needed.

~Tricia




Saturday, March 10, 2018

Satan Gotcha Good, Church, Real Good

My ebook, The Poverty of Patriarchy, takes a look at the poverty (and resulting chaos) created by patriarchy. Despite what you've been taught in your church, patriarchy is not a Biblically condoned system of operation. When Jesus came, He blew patriarchy out of the water, yet the vast majority of evangelical churches retain it as though it's some badge of godliness that we should never abandon. And, those same evangelicals, instead of listening to someone with an opposing view, condemn us, call us liberals and limit their contact with us. They show no compassion or willingness to listen to something different than what they have been brought up to believe.

Of all things I've observed through encounters with these evangelical leaders, their lack of compassion speaks the loudest to me. They are immediately defensive and seem to be desperate to share their view at the expense of silencing mine. This experience has taught me that a lack of compassion is a first indicator of a lack of fellowship with Christ. These evangelicals are not all they are cracked up to be if they display a lack of compassion. They need to re-examine their relationship with Jesus and that requires getting down off their high horse.

This was especially evident to me when I revealed how an upsetting encounter with a janitor in the ladies room at First Baptist Church, Laurel, MD happened. You can read what happened here. I was met with anger, denial, threats, all kinds of name calling and many other ungodly responses from so-called Christians. But, there was one exception....one young man, when he heard about it from one of my sons, immediately said, "Is your mom ok?" He was the sole person, outside my family and true friends, who showed compassion. Even church leadership said, "That doesn't sound like Fitz." (The current pastor of that church did apologize, but as soon as the apology came out of his mouth, his wife negated it, saying I was "hurting the church." Um, no, Fitz is hurting the church and you all are by allowing him to continue to burst into the ladies room unannounced.)

That being said, it occurred to me this weekend that my book already needs a revision and update because I saw another missing avenue caused by patriarchy and I need to add this to the book. Billy Graham's funeral was broadcast over Facebook Live (and I'm sure other venues), so I was able to watch a portion of it. I heard all his kids give their testimonies of their father and one of his daughters said her resolve to preach the gospel wherever she went was strengthened due to her father's death.

As soon as I heard her say that, I realized that no evangelical church would dare let her go in their midst and preach the gospel. This was a stunning thought. Here is someone obviously moved and changed by the power of Jesus Christ, yet she would be prevented from sharing that gospel for one reason and one reason only: she's a woman.

Has the evangelical church as a whole limited the spread of the gospel by silencing their women and only allowing them to serve in a secondary role? I would not want to be guilty of this when I meet my Maker. Oh, my, I shudder to think of it.

For this reason alone, evangelical churches might want to revisit the Scriptures and discover for themselves that patriarchy is not God's intended way. Most churches depend more on tradition than Scriptural teaching when it comes to this issue. But, I repeat, Jesus blew patriarchy out of the water and we'd be wise to do the same.

Is patriarchy hindering the spread of the gospel? I believe it is. To allow half the followers of Christ to remain silenced is to hinder the spread of the gospel and that is not something I'm willing to be guilty of.

Satan gotcha good on this one, church, real good.

~Tricia

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Wives: Own Your Own Credit Rating

A young couple, newly married, was searching for a new home. The wife knew what she wanted and felt she needed in a home. Her plan was to stay home and be a homemaker when they had kids...and she was going to have their first in a few short months.

As this young wife and mother talked about her new potential home, she said the oddest thing. She said she was letting her husband pick the home since he's the "head" of the household. She said she was sitting back and letting him do this. 

And I thought she was thoroughly kidding herself. 
Let me tell you what's wrong with this scene.

First, if a wife has to "let" her husband lead, he's not leading at all. A leader does not need permission to lead, nor does a leader only lead if and when someone else steps back. The reality is, he is not "the leader" of the household. The reality is, they lead together whether they admit it or not.

Second, a wife has equal say in a home the couple is buying, especially if her name is on the mortgage, (but regardless if it is or not). Taking a back seat is not godly, it's irresponsible. Wives, if your name is on the mortgage, the car title or any other official document for joint ownership, you own it just as much as your husband and it is not ungodly or unladylike to assert yourself if that's what it takes to be an equal part of the process. 

There is no godliness in taking a step back. Taking a step back to let someone else "lead" indicates you have been in a leadership position and are relinquishing that position. This is a mistake. I know more than one wife whose credit rating has been ruined by her husband. This is financial abuse, pure and simple. 

Third, the husband had the opportunity to dispel this myth and tell her it was nonsense and make her an equal part of their marriage. Instead, he did not. He took her permission to be the "leader" and ran with it, touting his "leadership" in the process. And people in their lives fell for this. This man is not a leader....he doesn't meet even the simplest of definitions of a leader. There is thick wool over his eyes.

"Head of household" is a myth, borne out of patriarchy and wrongly assigned as "God's design" when nothing could be further from the truth. God didn't design this, this is completely man-made.

Wives, stop lying to yourselves. Embrace the equality that naturally occurs within a marriage whose partners love the Lord their God. Stop acting all "submissive" and embrace the power in decision making and tackling the world together with your husband. 

If you're in the habit of "letting" your husband do things, you are lying to yourself if you think he's the leader. Instead of living that lie, embrace Truth. Like it or not, you are equal with your husband and there's nothing ungodly or unholy in embracing and acting on this.

If your name is on the mortgage, car title, refrigerator purchase order or any other document showing joint ownership of anything, insist on full involvement in the process of buying, owning, disposing of and/or taking responsibility for that thing, whatever it is. You are simply embracing your already-positioned authority in ownership and power over your own credit rating.

Stop lying to yourself. Own your credit rating. 

~Tricia


Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Is Your Church Listening to Rachael Denhollander?

Church leaders should be flocking to read Rachael Denhollander's interview with Christianity Today. Pastors ought to take notes. Mothers who send their kids to the nursery, or children's church, or youth group need to read this, digest it, then read it again. You can read it by clicking here.

Rachael Denhollander ought to be in the pulpit, teaching congregations what forgiveness really is and preaching about seeking justice for the abused and be a voice for the silenced and victimized.

This strong young woman left no stone unturned. A few things rang very loud to me and I want to highlight those here. But, first, I want to say that Rachael experienced exactly what every other abuse victim experiences in the church: No one will listen.

My favorite parts of this interview are many:


We can tend to gloss over the devastation of any kind of suffering but especially sexual assault, with Christian platitudes like God works all things together for good or God is sovereign. Those are very good and glorious biblical truths, but when they are misapplied in a way to dampen the horror of evil, they ultimately dampen the goodness of God. Goodness and darkness exist as opposites. If we pretend that the darkness isn’t dark, it dampens the beauty of the light.

_______________________________________________________________________


When asked, Where did you find an answer? (To doubting God's goodness), she replied,

Going to Scripture directly.


There is no substitute. She did not go to the latest Bible study book by some well-known author. She did not seek out a publishing house or commentary or even a sermon or a conversation with a friend.
She went to the Scriptures directly and found the answers....all the answers.
They, the answers, are there.

____________________________________________________________________________


Church is one of the least safe places to acknowledge abuse because the way it is counseled is, more often than not, damaging to the victim. There is an abhorrent lack of knowledge for the damage and devastation that sexual assault brings. It is with deep regret that I say the church is one of the worst places to go for help. That’s a hard to thing to say, because I am a very conservative evangelical, but that is the truth. There are very, very few who have ever found true help in the church.

It is beyond sad to me that the church is considered one of the least safe places to acknowledge abuse. This is true of the vast majority of evangelical churches. This has to change. The path to change is going to be hard, but it is possible. More on this later.

____________________________________________________________________________

When asked what happened when she told her church she was going to speak up about what happened to her. she said in part:

 .......my status as a victim was used against my advocacy.

......rather than engaging with the mountains of evidence that I brought, because this situation was one of the most well-documented cases of institutional cover-up I have ever seen, ever, there was a complete refusal to engage with the evidence.

I have seen this happen time and time again. It's almost an automatic response. This response is so far from what the Bible teaches that one has to wonder how any church leadership can do this. Rather than realize a victim's advocacy is borne out of their victimization, making them especially qualified to be that advocate, church leadership dismisses it as biased. 
Who better to advocate for victims than another victim?
Certainly a bunch of men sitting around making rules for their church is not more qualified.

_______________________________________________________________________


When you support an organization that has been embroiled in a horrific 30-year cover-up of sexual assault, you know what that communicates to the world and what it communicates to other enablers and abusers within your own church. It’s very obvious that they are not going to speak out against sexual assault when it’s in their own community.

When reading this statement, I reminded myself that she was not talking about ABWE, the Association of Baptists for World Evangelism, a mission agency that allowed a pedophile doctor to practice his pedophilia in Bangladesh then covered it up for him for decades. Some leaders within ABWE, even to this day, are ones who were part of the cover-up. 
Her last sentence, "It's very obvious that they are not going to speak out against sexual assault when it's in their own community," speaks to ABWE as much as USA Gymnastics.

__________________________________________________________________________

When asked, "Why are we capable of seeing evil in other communities but not our own?" She responded, in part:

One of the dynamics that you see in a Christian church that is particularly devastating is poor theology. 
But often, if not always, people are motivated by poor theology and a poor understanding of grace and repentance and that causes them to handle sexual assault in a way where that a lot of predators go unchecked, often for decades. 

Poor theology. But, how can that be? How can one go to an evangelical Christian church and have poor theology? Isn't the preaching, the main avenue of teaching theology, enough?
It is not enough because pastors are not preaching, they are regurgitating what they've read in the latest commentary or book they've read. They are not expounding God's Word, they are expounding mankind's words. They are not citing Truth, they are citing catch phrases and acronyms. 
This has led to poor theology. This has led to a massive famine of doctrine.
People have become afraid of doctrine and want to feel good, have their comforts handed to them and go home to their first-world, privileged lives feeling like they are going to see special blessings from God because they "obeyed" Him and went to church.
Um, I hate to break it to you, but that's not how it works.
Rachael is 100% right.....poor theology contributes greatly to the problem of abuse within the church.

_______________________________________________________________________

When asked if she was apprehensive in telling her abuser she forgives him, she said, in full:

I did to an extent, because forgiveness can really be misapplied. Taken within the context of my statement, with the call for justice and with what I have done to couple forgiveness and justice, it should not be misunderstood. But I have found it very interesting, to be honest, that every single Christian publication or speaker that has mentioned my statement has only ever focused on the aspect of forgiveness. Very few, if any of them, have recognized what else came with that statement, which was a swift and intentional pursuit of God’s justice. Both of those are biblical concepts. Both of those represent Christ. We do not do well when we focus on only one of them.

This has also been our experience.
Focusing only on the forgiveness aspect of this is misguided thinking.
It is Secular Humanism, something very few Christians recognize.

___________________________________________________________________________

When asked what it means for her to forgive her abuser, she said, in full:

It means that I trust in God’s justice and I release bitterness and anger and a desire for personal vengeance. It does not mean that I minimize or mitigate or excuse what he has done. It does not mean that I pursue justice on earth any less zealously. It simply means that I release personal vengeance against him, and I trust God’s justice, whether he chooses to mete that out purely, eternally, or both in heaven and on earth.

It's incredibly sad and disheartening to me that so few Christians understand this.

____________________________________________________________________________


The first thing that has to happen to help this change in the church's response to sexual abuse to take place is, patriarchy has to die. 
Patriarchy gives power and there is no place for power in any church.
Pastors/deacons/elders/leaders are not in a position of power, they are in a position of servanthood. 
If there is no position of power, there can be no abuse of power.

If you have kids, you are their authority, not the pastor/deacon/elder/leader. 
You are the authority over everyone when it comes to your kids.

Read Rachael's interview.
Take notes.
~Tricia




Friday, January 26, 2018

"Leave Your Pain Here"

Judge Rosemarie Aquilina gave a voice to every single one of Larry Nassar's victims by allowing them, yea, inviting them, to give victim statements in the sentencing portion of his trial. The former gymnasts were all sexual abuse victims at the hand of the USA Gynmastics team's doctor, Larry Nassar. He abused them when they were at their most vulnerable.. The Honorable Rosemarie Aquilina gave those victims a voice like no other and because of that opportunity, and her response to them, they will heal much stronger than they ever thought possible.

Read her top 10 most powerful responses to their victim statements, as chosen by Glamour Magazine, here. Every single one of these made me cry. Then I read them a second time and they each made me cry again. Words can't even express the deep emotion Judge Aquilina's words stirred up in me and, no doubt, within the victims.

Judge Aquilina did what ABWE (The Association of Baptists for World Evangelism) did not do with the victims of their "star" doctor, Donn Ketcham. ABWE did not validate these victims. Instead of showing compassion, they immediately focused on "damage control." To this day, there is an imbalance of power within the organization and some of those people who were part of the cover-up are still in leadership.

The church does not know how to deal with abuse. 

The church will not listen to those who do know how to deal with abuse.


Some churches think they are doing something good when they handle abuse "internally," and not get "the world" aka, the police, involved. This is wrong. Organizations are required by law to report abuse and churches are to obey the law. (Romans 13:1,2)

Some churches hold the victim partially responsible for their abuse. This is wrong. A victim is never responsible for the actions of their abuser. 

Judge Aquilina's final statement, "Leave your pain here and go out and do your magnificent things," says so much. My statement analysis:

"Leave your pain here" acknowledges the realness of their pain. While some try to minimize a victim's pain, she gave it full acknowledgement and a place in their lives. It was already taking up place in their lives, as pain does in every victim. Acknowledging that pain actually shrinks it. Minimizing someone's pain causes it to grow; it's only through full acknowledgement that healing can start. Many people minimize the pain of others because they, themselves, can't cope with it. Get over it, it's not about you. It's about the victim. Give them every acknowledgement you can and then some. This statement also lets the victims know they have finally found a safe place....here. Leave it here. Here, where the judge can put it in its proper place - the past - and paint a future you never could have imagined.

"and go out" acknowledges that they now have the freedom the abuse initially took away. They have it back. They are free to go out - and be out - and impact the world even more than they already have. This shows a stark contrast to their abuser because it shows that he no longer holds the power. They can go out - he cannot. He got a 175-year sentence; he can't go out. They can go out and he no longer has the power to do anything about that.

"and do your magnificent things" lets these victims know that what they have done, what they are doing and what they will do are all magnificent things. Magnificent is defined as "impressively beautiful, elaborate, extravagant, striking." So, Judge Aquilina said in effect, "do your impressively beautiful, elaborate, extravagant and striking things." 

If every victim was given a voice, if every victim was given acknowledgement, if every victim was given validation, if every victim was given vindication, we could start to put a stop to the rampant abuse going on around us. 

The church should be leading this, but it is so full of victims it can't find its way. 

Church leaders, don't think for a minute that this is confined to USA Gymnastics or to ABWE or to some entity that does not touch you. I guarantee you this: there are victims in your seats and many of them have been abused on your watch, right under your nose. What are you going to do about it?

~Tricia







Sunday, January 21, 2018

BANNED! But Still Qualified?

I learned this week that a church, in response to a man who said some disturbing things about his interaction with a baby in the nursery, banned all men from the nursery. All men....banned.

Let's get this straight....instead of dealing with the man who has the problem, this church put all men in the category of being a danger to babies and banned them all, even the fathers of the babies who stay in the nursery.


Yet, even though all men are banned from the nursery, men in that church continue to serve in other leadership roles in the church. Wait, what?

Again, let me get this straight. The men are all deemed to be a danger to babies, yet the men are qualified to serve as deacons, pastors, teachers, trustees and supervisors of other ministries? Uh, no. No they are not.

This is a good example of a church refusing to deal with sin. One man has a problem and instead of dealing with that problem, the church put all men in his category and declared them all a danger to babies. They brought down all their men to cover the sins of one (really two in this case). How can the other men, the men who didn't have a questionable interaction with a baby, allow themselves to be aligned with the one who did?

When the pastor and his wife were given the opportunity to know who the guilty men are in this situation, they refused to listen. Instead, they want all their men to be thought of as potentially abusive to babies. Every single man in the church is banned from the nursery. Get that. Let that sink in. If you are a father in that church and you take your baby to the nursery, you are NOT ALLOWED to enter the room where your baby is being held. How can there not be legal ramifications to a man not being allowed in the same room as his own child?

This is all so deeply disturbing. What else are they hiding?

If you are a father and you go to a church that will not allow you to be in the same room as your baby or toddler, get out of that church as fast as you can.

If you know the men in a church are not allowed in the nursery but are allowed to "serve" in other ministries, get out as fast as you can.

Men who are not qualified to serve in the nursery are not qualified to serve anywhere.

How can the moms of these babies and toddlers tolerate their husbands being aligned with abusers? How can they stand by and let their men be dragged through the mud of abuse without speaking out against it? Oh, wait, I forgot.....women in church are rarely allowed to speak out. So, churches like this get to make rules that turn all men into abusers and the women have to sit down and shut up about it.

Aly Raisman, Olympic gymnastics hero, recently addressed the judge and the court in her victim statement in the sentencing trial of her abuser, Larry Nassar. You can watch that statement here. She is brave and heroic for speaking out, as are all the victims speaking out. She pointed out that her abuser served on the very committees designed to keep athletes safe, yet he was the biggest perpetrator all the time! Think about that.....this is also true in your church. The men are the leaders, the men make the policies, the men have the voices, yet the vast majority of the time, the men are the abusers!

Don't you see? The male dominance in your church is part of the grooming process used to keep abuse alive. In this particular church, all men are deemed unsafe to be around babies and their wives sit back and quietly let this happen. I would not. If I had ever been in a church that restricted my husband's access to his own children, I would leave immediately.

Jesus was trusted with children. If the men in your church are not, they are nothing like Jesus.
Choose your servants wisely.
~Tricia

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Is Your Pastor a Criminal? (It's more likely than you think.)

Another pastor's sexual abuse of a minor came to light recently. You can read about it here in Amy Smith's blog, Watch Keep.

The young woman was 17 years old when her youth pastor took her out to an isolated place at night and sexually assaulted her. Immediately after the horrific act, he "apologized" and then instructed her to keep it quiet and "take it to the grave."

Some people, even people in her own church, believe she was a "willing participant" and even an "opportunistic woman."

The church was not a safe place for this young woman. She suffered the worst devastation of her life in, and because of, the church.

People, this is preventable. One of the problems with abuse in the church is people's fear of talking about it. The church likes to keep their sin quiet so the world doesn't find out. This is why many perpetrators seek churches specifically as a place to find their victims. They know their secrets are more likely to stay secret in a church more than any other place on the planet. So, they go to churches, they put on the costume of righteousness and they begin grooming their victims.

So, the first thing to do to help prevent abuse is: Stop the silence.

Another thing perpetrators do is make sure their victims are seen as equally responsible for the abuse. This is done by making sure the victim is somehow framed in a negative light. In the young woman's story referenced above, she was immediately painted as "unforgiving" and "bitter" because she spoke out. She was told not even to talk to her own parents! She was not validated or treated with respect. He abused her, he gave her a faux apology, then painted her as the problem for her "unforgiveness." Realize this is part of the grooming; a part of the plan from the start. There is no reactionary behavior from the perpetrator....his actions are all planned out from the start, even his "faux apologies."

So, the second thing to do to help prevent abuse is: Keep all blame on the perpetrator.

In this particular case, this youth pastor's superiors went along with his cover-up. The girl was so traumatized that she finally said something to some trusted women in the church. Oh, but those women weren't to be trusted because they went right to the pastors and the girl got in trouble for telling! They should have gone to the authorities. She was further traumatized and further victimized by her own fellow church members. Gossip ensued, making everything worse, which it always does. What should have happened: the authorities should have been called and it should have been reported. The act itself is criminal and not reporting such an act is also criminal. So, at that point, you have criminals - people actively breaking the law - running your church. And, in this case, the perp got a standing ovation. My word.

So, the third thing to do to help prevent abuse is: Report the abuse to the authorities.

Some people think that if it's handled "internally" within the church, it's over. However, the law of the land, which we are commanded in Scripture to obey, says otherwise. We don't get to decide which points of the law we obey.

If your church is known for not being silent, for not blaming victims and for calling the authorities on criminals, a perpetrator is more likely to look elsewhere for victims. You see, perpetrators scout out their victims. They don't wake up and randomly find a victim....oh, no....they plan, plot, set themselves in a position to do their dastardly deeds and groom their victims carefully. That grooming takes time, is done meticulously and done with intent. A perpetrator will know if your church allows these things to be "handled internally" or if they are handled properly and legally. This is part of their scouting process; they have to know how a church will handle them.

If your church handles things "internally," you are more likely to have perpetrators in your midst.

This can be prevented. It doesn't have to happen.
More to come on this subject. One blog post can't possibly cover every point.
~Tricia