Is this a Trick Question?

A met a young woman the other night. She was a guest in our home and, while friends with my two youngest sons, I hadn't met her until the other night. She reminded me of myself at her age. Petite, energetic, opinionated and outspoken. I liked her right away.

As I had off-and-on communication with her (they (she, another friend and my two sons) were watching a movie and grabbing snacks throughout), I noticed she used one phrase very frequently. She would often say, "Well, I'm a Baptist, so I don't do that..." or, "Oh, we're Baptists, we believe this or that," or, "Oh, you know us Baptists!" So, I was intrigued by this word usage and I asked her a few questions.

The next time she referred to being a Baptist in my presence, I said, "Oh, I see you're Baptist. Does that mean you ascribe to all the things your Baptist church teaches?"

She said, "Huh? I mean, um, is this a trick question?"

I said, "Certainly not. It's an honest question. I know what independent Baptist churches teach and I'm curious to know if you agree with and live your life by what they teach."

She said, "Well, I know women are supposed to submit to their husbands."

Now, before you think there were other words exchanged before she went straight to the topic of submission, let me assure you there were not. This was first and foremost on her mind. Her role is to submit. That's her main takeaway from her Baptist church.

I probed further, "Well, you're not married so that doesn't apply to you in that way, but don't miss the fact that men are also told to submit to their wives."

She looked at me curiously, but said, "Well, yeah......"

Then I asked my next question. I said, "Are you familiar with what is called the great commission?"

She said, "Well, I can't recall it word for word....."

I said, "It says something like, 'Go into all the world and teach all nations, baptizing them....etc...basically a commandment to make disciples."

"Yeah!" she exclaimed, "That's it! Yeah."

I asked, "Who is Jesus talking to when he says that?"

She replied, "Ummm...hmmm...is this a trick question?"

"I promise, I'm not asking any trick questions."

"Ok, well, I think he's talking to his disciples."

"And," I said, "who are his disciples?"

"People who followed him at the time......and....us? Yes, us."

"So, he's talking to you?"

"Yes."

"Never forget that. He's talking to you. He's not talking to a husband who will then instruct or allow you to serve him. He's talking directly to you. I just wanted to plant that seed with you and make sure you follow Jesus, not a husband or church leader. He's talking to you."

"Yeah....." she said rather wistfully.

Statement analysis:

Had this delightful young woman answered me with anything other than submission, I likely  would not have gone down this path. Her first statement about her church was about submission in marriage. This speaks volumes to me. I suspect her church is out of balance because a young, single woman ought to be looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of her faith, and not what a future relationship with a human male might have to do with her relationship with Jesus or her church, or even with him, the human male. The fact that she thought, twice, that I was asking her trick questions could mean that she is being groomed to fit into a box that some man or male leadership created for her. I hope she smashes that box and never goes in there.

We are not doing our young people any favors by emphasizing a concept like submission which has been grossly misinterpreted and misapplied within the church. When we neglect to teach Jesus and emphasize a personal relationship with him, we are leading our young people astray, male and female.

I believe this is a conditioning or grooming tactic used by church leadership to ensure a woman knows her "place" and will follow their idea that submission should be a woman's focus. This is wrong. The Bible does not teach this. This is secular humanism wrapped in patriarchy, created to oppress and subdue women. Men and boys are groomed to think they are always the leaders and women and girls are groomed to think they are always subordinate. This is wrong. Absolutely wrong. It turns my stomach.

Do not be fooled, girls. You belong to Jesus and he is to be your priority. He's talking to you, not through someone else to you. Your focus should not be submission; your focus should be Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith. Let no one teach you differently. Walk out if they try.

Galatians 1:8 & 9: "But though we or an angel from Heaven preach any other gospel to you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be cursed. As we said before, so say I again, if anyone preaches another gospel to you than that you have received, let him be cursed."

~Tricia

Hey, Church Ladies....You've been Duped!

For the entirety of my Christian walk, from the very start when I was 18 years old and first heard the Gospel of Christ, I was taught that my "role" as a woman was to be a wife and mother, to be submissive, quiet, humble and never be argumentative.

But, that was never "me" as a personality. I was always bold, extroverted, anything but quiet and would argue my point with anyone who would listen. I would listen to people teach about the supposed quiet, godly woman and I would literally think I would never be anything close to godly because I saw no hope of being quiet, submissive and humble.

Being quiet and submissive had only led to trouble in my life. Being bold and speaking out - loudly - was survival for me as a kid. I had to have a voice and it had to be loud at times and it served me well against my violent, alcoholic father who seemed bent on destruction at every turn. It also served me well when interacting with my 7 siblings because I learned early on that if I didn't speak up, and loudly, I might just go hungry. If I wasn't bold and unafraid to step up, I could be left out in the cold, literally sometimes. So, imagine my distress when I found out, through different Christian people, that my very personality was an affront to God, Himself. My first question was, "Why did He make me this way if it's the wrong way to be?"

I had some learning to do, so I began to read God's Word and observe Christian women who held themselves up as "godly." A problem quickly arose. The women I observed were contradicting certain parts of the Bible, sinning in many ways, yet still calling themselves godly. And they weren't submissive at all. They talked the submissive talk, but they did not practice what they preached. While they taught submission, they berated their husbands, belittled them and rolled their eyes, publicly, at things their husbands said and did. This was very confusing to me. I had to find out what God really wanted me to be.

First, I stopped listening to those women, then I began to look to God, alone, through His Word.

Enter Proverbs 31. There are no commands in Proverbs 31. There are no formulas, schedules or how-to instructions. What we have is a beautiful description of a virtuous woman. The words of King Lemuel's mother; her description of a virtuous woman.

Apparently, King Lemuel's mother was very influential in his life. He not only repeated her words, he gave her the credit.I know modern men who don't give their mothers or wives credit for anything, but they take the credit, then minimize it if the one who deserves the credit speaks up about it. King Lemuel was humble, among his other positive traits.

Back to Proverbs 31. For the first 9 verses, she gives him very sound advice, with reasoning thrown in. She encourages him to avoid alcohol so that his judgment will not be clouded and he will not lose sight of the people under oppression. She encourages him to be their voice, to "plead the cause of the poor and needy." Clearly, she was compassionate. She goes into a lengthy description of a woman admired, trusted and virtuous.

Even if you break this down into a simple list, you can clearly see that the virtuous woman was anything but quiet and submissive. She is described as strong and honorable. She is not described as quiet and submissive. It seems that everything all those Christian women told me in the past was wrong. The virtuous woman is the very opposite of what they told me. I was duped! You were duped!

I was told the husband was to be the provider, but verse 15 tells me she provides food for her household. It doesn't say "prepares," it says "provides."

I was told the husband was to make the main decisions in a family (although we never practiced this). Verse 16 tells me she buys real estate based on her own judgment, then after making a profit, she uses that profit to plant a vineyard. Her husband is not mentioned at all...she's making all these decisions herself, without even consulting him, apparently. The Bible says "she," not "they." So much for the husband having the "final say." Also, verse 24 tells me she makes linen garments and sells them and provides sashes for the merchants. Again, this decision is hers, alone. This action is hers, alone.

I was told that wives should stay home and only manage the household, but in verse 14, I see the virtuous woman traveling the world to bring home the best she can find for her family. This is another huge contradiction.

In summary, I don't see a quiet, submissive woman living in the shadow of a husband, waiting on him to make decisions for her or her family. I see a strong, determined, intelligent, hard-working woman living her life and doing what she wants to do with love, compassion and confidence. She made the deals with the merchants. She bought the real estate. She planted the vineyard. She ran the household and her international businesses at the same time. She used her own discernment to decide if a piece of real estate or some merchandise was good. She depended on no one else.

Why, then, do churches teach young women to be quiet and submissive? Shouldn't we be teaching them to be strong, decisive, determined and smart? Shouldn't we be teaching them to get out there and do what they want/can to provide for and enrich their families? The Proverbs 31 woman was not afraid of winter because she took care of her family and servants and knew they would be fine. She saw to this herself, she waited for no one.

Her husband did not supervise her life, did not provide approval or guidance or leadership in any way. He was busy with other businessmen as they all did their own business.

She is described as strong, or having strength at least 3 times in 21 verses. We need to stop telling young wives to be quiet and submissive and start telling them to be strong and decisive.....if we want to teach them to be virtuous women. We need to stop telling young men that they are the "leaders" and, therefore, their wives have to submit to them in ways that the Bible never teaches and never intended. The way it's taught in most churches now is wrong.....it's twisted and has been twisted for decades.

Verse 26 tells me she opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness. "She opens her mouth....." She's not afraid to speak up to teach with wisdom and she does it with kindness....but she opens her mouth.

Another interesting thing about the virtuous woman is that her husband is never described as "needy." I see women teaching other women that their husband has "needs" (usually a focus on sexual) and she's to meet those "needs" no matter how she feels about it in any given moment.  The virtuous woman's husband is focused on his work and what he needs to do; he's not focused on sex or on making sure his wife is submissive. These two each live their lives with a focus on others, on doing their jobs, taking care of family and business with complete confidence in each other to make their own decisions and do their own business.

Oh, could that be it? Could that be what marriage should look like? Instead of a husband focusing on sex and submission and a wife focusing on making sure she's quiet and submissive, maybe married couples should focus on God, who He made them to be, opportunities He gave them and the best way to use their gifts without holding back. Maybe, just maybe, this is what we need to teach young people and young couples. Strength, not submission, should be a godly wife's story. Surely compassion is up there with strength. Look and see for yourself.

Maybe if those self-proclaimed "godly" women in my life who were gossiping about their husbands and sneering behind their backs could have done better if they were honest with themselves and stopped trying to be "quiet and submissive" and were bold and strong instead. Maybe there would have been no need for the ever-evident resentment their actions so loudly displayed.

~Tricia

Stop the Submission; Stop the Abuse

I am happy to report that Bill Gothard might finally have to answer for his abuses over the years. Many are saying it's about time. I can honestly say I saw it coming. I saw it in Bill Gothard; I saw it in Jack Hyles (I was in his church twice); I saw it in the ABWE missionary I met and shook hands with as he promoted himself. I saw it, I see it and I have figured out what's causing it, at least in part, and why it gets to continue like it does.

Submission.

All abusers require submission in order to carry out their abuse. As an abuse survivor, I am acutely aware of this fact. If you stop the submission, you will stop the abuse.

Now, I am fully aware that this statement flies in the face of modern fundamental Christian churches, but hear me out. The Bible surely talks about submission, but I fear our churches and para-church organizations have taken it a step too far. This extra step opens the door to abuse very wide, and every time. The very first step in stopping the abuse is to stop the submission. The very first step in stopping the submission is to understand what the Bible really says about submission.

Submission started with sin. In the garden, when God was telling Adam and Eve the results of their sin, He told the woman, in Genesis 3:16, that her "desire will be toward her husband and he will rule over" her. So, the idea of submission is a result of the fall. God was telling them what they would face in the future; He was not ordering the husband to rule over the wife. There is no command given in this statement.

Ephesians 5:22 tells wives to "be subject to" their own husbands "as unto the Lord."

Colossians 3:18 states, 'Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord."

Each of these passages have one word in common above the others and it's not the word "submit." As a matter of fact, the Ephesians reference does not even have the word submit in it in the Greek. Look it up and see. The one word these verses have most in common is "husband" and a particular husband at that....."your own husband."

Women, we are to submit to our own husbands. Period. There is no other man on the planet to whom we owe submission in that context. We are to "submit ourselves one to another" as Christians, as stated in Ephesians 5:21, but that does not mean all women submit to all men. It means all men and women submit to each other in a church context. It means the female voice is just as important as the male voice.

When Christ died on the cross, He brought in the age of grace and His Word went from husbands ruling over wives to husbands being commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. (Ephesians 5:25) A husband who is looking to do that hardly has time to brow-beat his wife into submission for his struggle is far greater, I dare say.

Women, stop submitting to men who are not your husband!

I have been married for nearly 35 years.  We have reared eight children. Submission is not an issue in my marriage. Submission is not an issue in my life, either. I submit to the law of the land, I submit to the Word of God as the Holy Spirit moves in my heart. I submit to other Christians in our service of the King. But, I simply do not and will not submit to any other man simply because he's a man and I'm a woman. I do not submit to preaching that is not aligned with the Word of God. I look things up on my own and decide if they are true. I hold no one else responsible for that besides myself.

I never have. I never will. But, this has not gone over very well with other men.

When we stop submitting to men who are not our husbands, it opens a door to freedom. It empowers us to question men like Bill Gothard. It makes us think twice before we automatically submit to the unreasonable demands of a mission board over how to school and/or raise our children.

I don't deal with men who expect me to submit to them and their way of thinking. Years ago when my husband and I owned a rental property business, we would look at a potential house to buy and some of the real estate agents would not so much as look at me, let alone give credibility to anything I had to say in any deal. They would look only to my husband. When we realized what was happening, we dealt with it swiftly and effectively. We simply would not buy a house or property from any agent who did not treat me as an equal in Johnson Rentals. When an agent practiced this, we politely thanked him for his time and were done. No female agent ever did this, by the way; it was only the men.

I truly believe one of the keys to stop abuse in the church, on the mission field, and in any Christian or non-Christian workplace is for women to stop submitting to men who are not their husbands. Husbands and wives can become a united fortress for their families, that no one can penetrate. This protects their children from abuse more than anything else.

This thinking enabled me to make my son's Marine Corps Drill Instructor stand down and apologize to me in front of his recruits. I knew he had no authority over me, so when he cussed in front of my two little boys, who were four and six at the time, I politely asked him to stop talking like that in front of my little boys. I told him that they are so young and impressionable and they would think it's ok to talk like that. The DI immediately apologized to me over and over and said he'd clean up his mouth. My son and his fellow recruits silently rejoiced. (I worried for a minute that he wouldn't let my son graduate boot camp, but he did.)

Abuse survivors like myself learn that we have power over ourselves and we become unafraid to exercise that power no matter who disagrees or tries to quiet us.

Oh, and quieting us is a common tactic to allow the abuse to continue, or at least ensure the abuser doesn't get caught. In many cults, this is called making the women and girls "keep sweet." In the FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints) cult, run by Warren Jeffs from his prison cell, this is what they do. They first subdue the women with submissive teachings, then they oppress them if they try to exercise a mind of their own, then they accuse them of causing trouble if they don't "keep sweet." This is eerily similar to what I've heard some men say.....they criticize women who are outspoken about abuse in an attempt to quiet them. They'll say things like, "Oh, she's always harping about that." or "Are you ever going to give that up?" or "You're just like that because you think you were abused." or "Can you believe her? Ha!" And the list goes on. Don't "keep sweet." Speak up about abuse, every single time. Some young man or woman will thank you one day.

Every cult that ever was works openly to subdue the women!  Without exception.

Don't be that woman. Don't submit to men who are not your own husband. And if your husband is demanding you do something unbiblical or something you disagree with, stand your ground against it. God comes first. And if you need help with that, contact me.

And, if you're not married but live on your own as single, you submit to no one any more than any man does and should. Don't submit to men just because they are men. Submit to one another in your church, but the men should also be practicing this.

I know a pastor who is so insecure about submission that when a godly woman in his church was widowed, he didn't know what to do with her, so he ostracized her and accused her of being out there "practicing fornication" in the world. This woman had served her Lord in her church for years and was in her 70s when this happened to her. She left his church. I don't blame her. I would have gone with her had I been there at the time.

I am heartbroken for the young people who were hurt by Bill Gothard. I am heartbroken for the people I know whose marriages were destroyed due to his unbiblical teachings. I am burdened beyond expression about this and I will continue to speak out against abuse. I will continue to empower women to stand up and have a voice of their own. I will continue to encourage women to choose Jesus, like Mary, Martha's sister did, because that cannot be taken away from them.

You all have the right to choose Jesus. And you don't have to do it quietly to be godly.

If someone wants me quiet about abuse, they can stop supporting abusers.
~Tricia