Abandon This One Thing to have a Strong Marriage

The short answer to the one thing you have to abandon to have a strong marriage is: expectations. For those of you who want more than the short answer, read on...

I recently read an article (read it here) that a friend posted on Facebook. It's a good article, but I want to take the author's concept deeper.

The article says unmet expectations are the biggest marriage killers. Yes, I agree that unmet expectations are certainly marriage killers, or at the very least, marriage damaging factors.

I want to look at how evangelical churches fuel this marriage killer, doing much more harm than good.

One thing churches do is isolate portions of Scripture to one gender. They say, "Men, love your wives!" and "Women, submit!" and they seem to think this is how marriage works. They are wrong, this is not how marriage works. Loving and submission are not gender-specific concepts. Scripture teaches mutual submission in Ephesians 5:21 and personal humility without gender specificity in Philippians 2:3.

One could argue that the Bible does tell husbands to love and it does tell wives to submit and they would be right. But what the Bible does not do is teach love and submission as gender-exclusive concepts. However, many churches do teach them as gender-exclusive concepts and some even teach them as roles. Love is not just for husbands and submission is not just for wives.  Scripture is filled with examples that showcase this idea, like when God told Abraham to obey the voice of his wife, Sara. (Genesis 21:12)

Teaching love and submission as gender-exclusive concepts creates expectations that will certainly never be met. In this way, the church fuels expectations and this leads to an array of different results, including frustration, abuse, disappointment, disillusionment, and divorce. .

Love and submission are not roles. I've heard many evangelical pastors teach that a man's role is to love his wife and a wife's role is to submit to her husband. This is wrong. Through this teaching, the church is again creating expectations that can and will never be met. I've had many well-meaning women send private messages to my inbox telling me how God is not going to bless me unless I remain in "His assigned role for me," which they think is submission.

What these poor women do not understand is, submission is not my role. My "role" is the exact same thing it is for every Christian, male or female, across the globe: Love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and love my neighbor as myself. That's my role and God and I are the only ones who get to decide what that looks like because He told me to work out my own salvation (work out what my salvation means and looks like in my life).

Love and submission are not roles and love and submission are not gender-exclusive. If you love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself, you will love your spouse and you will submit to your spouse. The expectations are put on the Lord, not your spouse.

Put your expectations on Jesus, alone. He has invited you to do so and He cannot let you down. Hebrews 12:2 tells us to look to "Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith..." and He has kept no secrets, but laid out exactly what you can expect. You can expect eternal (abundant) life, you can expect an-ever present comfort in the Holy Spirit, you can expect guidance, peace that passes all understanding, a lack of anxiety, answered prayers, strength for each day, eternal hope, and on and on the list could go.

You cannot have these expectations of a spouse. What expectations can you have? Hmmm, very few. To even put any expectations on a spouse is tricky. If you communicate a few, like a joint commitment to stay out of debt or a joint commitment to raise the kids in a certain way, then an expectation can be ok. Even expectations like this can lead to frustration because each person processes these things in a different way. A wife might express that she wants the children to be raised on a strict daily schedule to keep order, but a husband might interpret that very differently on days he's in charge of the kids. This leads to chaos and frustration on the wife's part and if she says, "We agreed to the schedule," the husband could justifiably say, "We did have a schedule!" and her expectations are dashed. It gets cumbersome to lay down expectations when definitions are also required. Where does that even stop?

I'll tell you what you can expect. You can expect that God will continue to love you for eternity, that God will continue to be an ever-present help in times of trouble, that God will continue to meet your every need, that God is everything He has claimed to be - and more.

Set your expectations very high - and put them all on Jesus.
Then enjoy a long and happy marriage.
~Tricia

The Best Marriage Advice You'll Never Get

Lysa Terkeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries, announced this week that due to her husband's repeated unfaithfulness, substance abuse and refusal to turn from his sinful lifestyle, she's divorcing him. One blogger commented that Satan is out to destroy Christian marriages. I have news for that blogger: Satan didn't take Lysa's marriage down, this is a misconception. 

Man sins when he is lured by his own lust and enticed, according to James 1:14. Satan had nothing to do with this and has nothing to do with your marriage or anyone else's, either. It's easy to blame Satan for our own sin. Her husband's unfaithfulness and substance abuse brought her marriage down - pure and simple - not Satan. Don't be fooled by this humanistic reasoning or your marriage will be more vulnerable than you think. The only marriage advice you will ever, ever need is summed up in 2 commandments: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself." That's it. That's all. Nothing more. No "love language," no romantic getaways, no couple's retreats.....just those 2 commandments and nothing more. Think of the impact. 

My qualifications to say this: Married 38 years this August and we raised 8 kids together. We didn't go to one married couple's retreat or any other so-called marriage-enhancing endeavor. We could not afford to because it's crazy expensive to raise 8 kids. For 31 of our 38 years we were in full-time Christian ministry as he pastored three different churches and planted three others. We've seen it all. 

But, no, this was not Satan. What I say to anyone who is afraid for their marriage after reading this about Lysa is, there is no Biblical formula for a successful marriage. All the books are wrong; learn that now. Save your money. There is God. He, alone, is the only One Who offers any hope at all in today's world of sin and despair. Leave your husband alone and cling to the Savior. I repeat: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself. Only then will your marriage have a shot.

This sure-fire marriage advice is rarely put out there as marriage advice, but it's the best. It's absolutely all you need. It's not popular because the Book for it has already been written and no one is going to make money from this advice. 

Stop fearing for your marriage and love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Stop reading books on marriage and love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Stop being petty with your spouse and love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Stop stressing over your marriage and love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Stop taking everything your husband says personally and love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself.

If your husband is cheating on you and/or abusing you or using drugs and alcohol, love the Lord your God enough to dump the jerk and treat yourself like a true Daughter of Abraham who does not have to tolerate abuse or unfaithfulness in any way, shape or form, and keep loving the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and loving your neighbor as yourself.

~Tricia

Hey, Church Ladies....You've been Duped!

For the entirety of my Christian walk, from the very start when I was 18 years old and first heard the Gospel of Christ, I was taught that my "role" as a woman was to be a wife and mother, to be submissive, quiet, humble and never be argumentative.

But, that was never "me" as a personality. I was always bold, extroverted, anything but quiet and would argue my point with anyone who would listen. I would listen to people teach about the supposed quiet, godly woman and I would literally think I would never be anything close to godly because I saw no hope of being quiet, submissive and humble.

Being quiet and submissive had only led to trouble in my life. Being bold and speaking out - loudly - was survival for me as a kid. I had to have a voice and it had to be loud at times and it served me well against my violent, alcoholic father who seemed bent on destruction at every turn. It also served me well when interacting with my 7 siblings because I learned early on that if I didn't speak up, and loudly, I might just go hungry. If I wasn't bold and unafraid to step up, I could be left out in the cold, literally sometimes. So, imagine my distress when I found out, through different Christian people, that my very personality was an affront to God, Himself. My first question was, "Why did He make me this way if it's the wrong way to be?"

I had some learning to do, so I began to read God's Word and observe Christian women who held themselves up as "godly." A problem quickly arose. The women I observed were contradicting certain parts of the Bible, sinning in many ways, yet still calling themselves godly. And they weren't submissive at all. They talked the submissive talk, but they did not practice what they preached. While they taught submission, they berated their husbands, belittled them and rolled their eyes, publicly, at things their husbands said and did. This was very confusing to me. I had to find out what God really wanted me to be.

First, I stopped listening to those women, then I began to look to God, alone, through His Word.

Enter Proverbs 31. There are no commands in Proverbs 31. There are no formulas, schedules or how-to instructions. What we have is a beautiful description of a virtuous woman. The words of King Lemuel's mother; her description of a virtuous woman.

Apparently, King Lemuel's mother was very influential in his life. He not only repeated her words, he gave her the credit.I know modern men who don't give their mothers or wives credit for anything, but they take the credit, then minimize it if the one who deserves the credit speaks up about it. King Lemuel was humble, among his other positive traits.

Back to Proverbs 31. For the first 9 verses, she gives him very sound advice, with reasoning thrown in. She encourages him to avoid alcohol so that his judgment will not be clouded and he will not lose sight of the people under oppression. She encourages him to be their voice, to "plead the cause of the poor and needy." Clearly, she was compassionate. She goes into a lengthy description of a woman admired, trusted and virtuous.

Even if you break this down into a simple list, you can clearly see that the virtuous woman was anything but quiet and submissive. She is described as strong and honorable. She is not described as quiet and submissive. It seems that everything all those Christian women told me in the past was wrong. The virtuous woman is the very opposite of what they told me. I was duped! You were duped!

I was told the husband was to be the provider, but verse 15 tells me she provides food for her household. It doesn't say "prepares," it says "provides."

I was told the husband was to make the main decisions in a family (although we never practiced this). Verse 16 tells me she buys real estate based on her own judgment, then after making a profit, she uses that profit to plant a vineyard. Her husband is not mentioned at all...she's making all these decisions herself, without even consulting him, apparently. The Bible says "she," not "they." So much for the husband having the "final say." Also, verse 24 tells me she makes linen garments and sells them and provides sashes for the merchants. Again, this decision is hers, alone. This action is hers, alone.

I was told that wives should stay home and only manage the household, but in verse 14, I see the virtuous woman traveling the world to bring home the best she can find for her family. This is another huge contradiction.

In summary, I don't see a quiet, submissive woman living in the shadow of a husband, waiting on him to make decisions for her or her family. I see a strong, determined, intelligent, hard-working woman living her life and doing what she wants to do with love, compassion and confidence. She made the deals with the merchants. She bought the real estate. She planted the vineyard. She ran the household and her international businesses at the same time. She used her own discernment to decide if a piece of real estate or some merchandise was good. She depended on no one else.

Why, then, do churches teach young women to be quiet and submissive? Shouldn't we be teaching them to be strong, decisive, determined and smart? Shouldn't we be teaching them to get out there and do what they want/can to provide for and enrich their families? The Proverbs 31 woman was not afraid of winter because she took care of her family and servants and knew they would be fine. She saw to this herself, she waited for no one.

Her husband did not supervise her life, did not provide approval or guidance or leadership in any way. He was busy with other businessmen as they all did their own business.

She is described as strong, or having strength at least 3 times in 21 verses. We need to stop telling young wives to be quiet and submissive and start telling them to be strong and decisive.....if we want to teach them to be virtuous women. We need to stop telling young men that they are the "leaders" and, therefore, their wives have to submit to them in ways that the Bible never teaches and never intended. The way it's taught in most churches now is wrong.....it's twisted and has been twisted for decades.

Verse 26 tells me she opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness. "She opens her mouth....." She's not afraid to speak up to teach with wisdom and she does it with kindness....but she opens her mouth.

Another interesting thing about the virtuous woman is that her husband is never described as "needy." I see women teaching other women that their husband has "needs" (usually a focus on sexual) and she's to meet those "needs" no matter how she feels about it in any given moment.  The virtuous woman's husband is focused on his work and what he needs to do; he's not focused on sex or on making sure his wife is submissive. These two each live their lives with a focus on others, on doing their jobs, taking care of family and business with complete confidence in each other to make their own decisions and do their own business.

Oh, could that be it? Could that be what marriage should look like? Instead of a husband focusing on sex and submission and a wife focusing on making sure she's quiet and submissive, maybe married couples should focus on God, who He made them to be, opportunities He gave them and the best way to use their gifts without holding back. Maybe, just maybe, this is what we need to teach young people and young couples. Strength, not submission, should be a godly wife's story. Surely compassion is up there with strength. Look and see for yourself.

Maybe if those self-proclaimed "godly" women in my life who were gossiping about their husbands and sneering behind their backs could have done better if they were honest with themselves and stopped trying to be "quiet and submissive" and were bold and strong instead. Maybe there would have been no need for the ever-evident resentment their actions so loudly displayed.

~Tricia

Wives, Don't Let your Husband Get in Your Way

I've heard it recently......women talking about their husband being the family priest....men admonishing each other to be a good family priest......pastors encouraging husbands to embrace their "role" as the family priest.

Sounds real spiritual, doesn't it?

Sounds real godly, right?

No, it sounds so........wrong.

I'm going to give you three biblical reasons why you do not want your husband to be the "family priest."

I Timothy 2:5

 "For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus;"

My commentary on this:  There is one mediator - and it's not your husband - it's the man Christ Jesus. Messiah Jesus. Pursue Jesus. Let nothing, not even a husband, stand between you and your Savior. He is yours. Wait for no one. Pursue Him fully, with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.There is one God; He is yours.

I Peter 2:5

"Ye also, as lively stones, are built up a spiritual house, an holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices, acceptable to God by Jesus Christ."

My commentary on this: As a wife you are included in this. You are your own priest; you are part of the holy priesthood if you know Jesus Christ as your Savior. You need no one else to stand in for you. Take it, it's yours. Embrace it with everything you have; let no one, not even a husband, take this away from you or get in the way of it. Read the first four verses of this passage and realize God is talking to you. He's talking to every believer.

Galatians 3:28

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus."

My commentary on this: We are one in Christ.....men and women.....slaves and their owners.....Greeks and Jews.....we are all one in Christ. This means just because you are a woman and are married, you do not take a back seat when it comes to your Jesus. 

God did not write a subtext for women with a male filter in place. He's talking to you....He's talking to me. If you are married, your husband is not your priest. Reject this teaching. I'm seeing it more and more and it's becoming more common in fundamental churches that would have rejected this idea even 10 years ago.

Don't allow what sounds like "godly" teaching fool you into thinking you have to take a back seat when it comes to pursuing Jesus. Any teaching that puts someone before Jesus or between you and Jesus is promoting idol worship. Do not fall into the man-made trap of making your husband an idol, coming between you and your Jesus.

This does not mean I don't think husbands should pray for their wives. I do think husbands should pray for their wives, but I also believe wives should pray for their husbands. We ought to make intercession for one another. Prayer for a spouse is not a one-sided activity and it is not an exclusive-to-the-husband role. 

The best and most often overlooked marriage advice you will ever receive is:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself.

This blog touches just the surface of this issue and is not a comprehensive study. A comprehensive study would make this much too long for a simple blog post. I chose to condense this to help wives who are currently being abused and beat over the head with this unbiblical idea of the "family priest."

~Tricia

Marriage is not An Airplane (Or a Football Game)

Some guy I never heard of wrote a blog post in response to the "Day Without a Woman" which was held across the country this week. Some women opted to miss work in hopes of showing their boss, patients, students, customers, etc., what it would be like if they were not there.

While I personally would not participate in something like that, others who choose to do so are certainly well within their legal rights. There might be other repercussions, however, like if their boss fires them for not showing up, etc. Anyway, this guy I never heard of who wrote the blog post has quite a few things wrong in his blog post.

In the context, he wrote about marriage. He said men should "man up" and "put their foot down," presenting an idea of a dictatorial boss who has the right, even obligation, to tell his wife what to do. He said (I paraphrase) that people rejoice when a woman "puts her foot down" but reject the same phrase/idea for men. He said people who "oppose male leadership in the home don't oppose it on egalitarian grounds despite what they claim." He said, "They don't actually think that husbands and wives should be leaders equally. They believe, rather, that the wife should be the leader." More on this in a minute.

He went on to compare marriage to piloting and airplane....then to a football game.

Trouble is, marriage is not an airplane, nor is it a football game. No wonder he's struggling so much with his perceived "leadership;" he has no understanding of marriage.

First of all, he does not and cannot speak for egalitarians. He tried to here, but he's dead wrong and clearly does not understand egalitarians. I suspect he's never studied the idea since it's an obvious threat to someone like him. Also, his clear misrepresentation of egalitarian relationships shows his ignorance.

I want to address just a few of his points.

The reason people cringe when a man says he's going to put his foot down but don't when a woman says the same is, women are usually "putting their foot down" to protect themselves from some form of abuse, or to protect their children, whereas men are "putting their foot down" to control someone else just so they have control. Women rarely "put their foot down" to control someone else unless that someone is abusing them and, in that, she's really controlling what happens to her. Men "put their foot down" to control the family. A wife is not a subordinate, but to suggest that a man can and should from time to time "put his foot down," assumes the wife is a subordinate as though she needs someone to tell her what to do.

Secondly, marriage can't be adequately compared to an airplane because we can't designate one person as the pilot and the other as the co-pilot in a marriage. Flying an airliner is not like marriage. Yes, the pilot and co-pilot of the plane have to have a mutual understanding of the plane, but a plane flies by extremely stringent rules and regulations. Both the pilot and co-pilot receive specific training, the exact same training, actually. Marriage is not filled with stringent rules and regulations; no one is telling a husband or wife where to sit.

Thirdly, marriage can't be adequately compared to a football game, either. Certainly a QB often does the job of a running back and scores touchdowns. No one stops him and tells him that's not his role. As a matter of fact, anyone at all who gets hold of the ball and makes a touchdown is praised. No one cares if making the touchdown is not in their job description.

Fourth, a man does not have to set the course for his marriage because God has already done so. They, together are to nuture their relationship, equally, with a common goal in mind. What is that common goal? To love the Lord their God with all their heart, mind, soul and strength and to love their neighbor as themselves. That is all.

He said there have to be some set ideas about who does what and why in a marriage. As someone who has been married for 37 years and raised 8 kids with my husband, I find this very confusing. Over the years, we never stuck to designated roles out of the need for inequality in our marriage. I do the cooking, but not because I am a woman and, therefore, belong in the kitchen. I do the cooking for 2 reasons: I like cooking and I'm better at it then he. However, he can get a meal for himself and makes his own lunch to take to work, etc. If I'm not home to cook, he won't starve and I'm not failing in my "role." He's a grown man, he can feed himself. Oh, and it's not my job to tell him what to eat, either. I put out healthy meals; the choice to eat it or not is his. If he wants to eat brownies and ice cream instead, he's free to do so.

He does major home repairs. Not because he's the man and only men should handle hammers; he does major home repairs because he knows how and is better at them than I. However, I do have my own toolbox and all my own tools so I can do things like hang pictures and assemble furniture, etc. Our roles may have been defined over the years, but they are not defined by any Biblical standard, they have been defined by need and ability. We are simply two people getting family life done, either one of us picking up the perceived role of the other at any given time and getting it done.

The points in this guy's blog post are contradictory to what he's suggesting as a practice. On the one hand, he advises husbands to "put their foot down," then tells them they are to die to themselves. Well, which is it? If we die to our own selfish desires, when would we ever put our foot down, and for what? If a man "puts his foot down" and "forbids" his wife from doing something like taking a day off to show solidarity to a cause he may not agree with, he is not dying to himself; he's forcing her to behave as he sees fit. Sharia Law, anyone?

If I really touched all the points I disagree with this man on, this blog post would be too long. It might already be too long. Need marriage advice? Here's the best marriage advice you will ever get:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength; 

and love your neighbor as yourself. 

Forget about the "roles" that people like the blogger try to put you in. Successful marriages are made up of people who don't hesitate to pick up and do whatever it takes to keep the family running without keeping track of whose "role" they thought each task fell to.

Seriously, who does that? Who sets "roles" and lives their life to make sure those roles are fulfilled in the way they perceive they ought to be? Who keeps track of that? If a man is truly "manning up," he's realizing he is no more his wife's authority than she is his and they treat each other with mutual love, respect and submission. News flash, guys: Your wife is an adult; you're not her boss.

~Tricia

The Big Decision

I'm waiting for the "big decision" that my husband has to make in which he has to override everyone else in the family and have the final say.

I frequently get warned about the "big decision" that some people believe is inevitable. When talking with Christian people about marriage, some people believe the husband, as "leader" of the family, will ultimately have to make some big decision that the wife will have to submit to and this will fulfill their "God-given roles" in marriage.

In 37 years of marriage while raising 8 kids, we have never, ever come across the scenario of the "big decision." 

Oh, we've made plenty of big decisions over the years, but we've made them together. If we disagreed over the decision, it was tabled until we could agree. Not once did my husband bring down the hammer and decide we are going to do something I was against.

Because I waited for the big decision and it never came, I have a few thoughts on the subject. Our marriage is one of teamwork and we are co-leaders within our family. Co-leadership is how we formed our family and how we raised 8 kids. I never used the "wait till your father gets home" mentality on my kids because they knew I have as much authority as their dad.

When we were first married, I didn't know I was a full partner in the relationship, so I would sometimes wait to talk to him before I made even small decisions for myself. I was very insecure and the teachings of our church at the time reinforced that. My husband would have none of it, however. He would respond with, "Why are you asking me?" I had no reply for that. I had no idea why I was asking him. I quickly realized that I did not have to give up personal decision making when I got married. I learned what submission is not.

Most people who argue for the big decision do so because they view it as an act of leadership. Even if the husband was the sole leader of the family, what kind of leadership would it be if he could (and did) trump every decision for the entire family for all time? That would not be leadership, that would be dictatorship and dictatorship is not what God has called husbands to. Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. How did Christ love the church? By sacrificing everything. Everything. He sacrificed everything and set her free.

Many teach that the male leadership in a family is introduced and confirmed in Genesis 3:16, which reads, "Unto the woman He said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."  They teach this as God's ideal....that Genesis 3:16 is God's ideal. Is it? How could it be? God created an ideal world - the Garden of Eden - then humans brought sin into it and God punished all involved, the serpent, the woman and the man, He cursed the ground and kicked them out of the Garden of Eden.

This is not ideal. When God told Eve that her husband would rule over her, it was not a command to Adam. It was a prediction, a result of sin. A husband ruling over a wife is a result of sin, not a standard God set up to meet. It is not a goal. God was speaking directly to Eve. At no time did He tell Adam to rule over her; He warned her that he would rule over her; that is not a command for her to submit to any type of rule. Some men even take this so far as to think all men are to rule over all women. This quickly became a cultural norm across the planet and women have had to fight for even basic rights even in developed countries. In the USA, women had to fight to vote less than 100 years ago. Many of the women who fought for the right to vote were arrested, punished and some even killed.

However, how far did Christ's work on the cross go? Did he eradicate the curse? Certainly there are still thorns in the ground, yet we have highly effective ways to get rid of them. Certainly many people still till the ground to grow food, but farmers in developing countries have air conditioned tractors, so are not working by the sweat of their brow as much. And farmers are few and far between in developed countries; most people work in climate controlled buildings. Even childbirth is far less painful than it used to be; drugs are a wonder. (This one I know from experience...I've given birth to 8 people, some of them completely pain-free.)

While there is no command for husbands to rule over wives, there is a command for husbands to love their wives as sacrificially as Christ loves the church. This is the goal; this is the command. Those who tout "ruling over" as the goal via Genesis 3:16 are wrong. They are not teaching what the Bible teaches; they are teaching the traditions of men. Do not listen to them. The Garden of Eden was God's ideal. Mankind ruined it by bringing sin into it. God gave us a way to escape, however, and this should be our focus. Men who are focused on the Savior are not preoccupied with submission, rulership and other things that distract from the gospel.

Wives, there is no "big decision" where your husband has to trump everyone else in the family, including you, to show his manliness or perceived headship. Jesus was the ultimate example of submission. He submitted Himself to death....even the death of the cross.....for us. He did not hesitate to listen to, appoint and call women to do His work when He walked this earth. When you find a man who is willing to submit to sacrificing all for you, you have found a real man.

Real men don't tout "headship" or "leadership" in their marriage relationship. Real men sacrifice every single thing for their wives. Everything.

~Tricia

What Do You Need? (Hint, it's not Sex)

ISIS captures women and young girls to use as sex slaves because they feel their fighters need sex.

There is an entire underground system for human sex trafficking in the US and other civilized countries because the men who participate think they need sex.

Some conservative Baptists and other evangelicals believe and teach that sex is a need.

On Facebook recently, a friend posted 6 things a mom should teach her son, then she invited others to add to that list. I added a few but only one caused any trouble. I stated that moms should teach their sons that sex is not a need. My friend argued a little, then suddenly wanted to shut the conversation down. I felt I should clarify my position and said as much.

Enter a complete stranger, a man, to set me straight. This man (I assume he's not a boy) told me I am wrong about this issue and accused me of having to have the last word simply because I tried to clarify my position.

I am not wrong. Sex is not a need.

You need food.
You need clothing.
You need shelter.
You need medicine at certain times.
You do not need sex.
(Procreation aside.)

This is not a popular idea among some Christians I've talked to lately. Many people become disrespectful, sarcastic and mean when it comes to hearing that sex is not a need. It's as though they're afraid their wife will find out they are abusing her in the bedroom so they have to protect their lie at any cost.

The man who inserted himself into the online conversation has a few problems. He was immediately defensive and small (indicating his doubt about his own position), he tried to divert the attention off the subject by attacking me, personally (even though he doesn't even know me) and accusing me of having to have the last word (an indication that he thinks he knows my motives) and he misused Scripture to try to prove "his" point, which has no foundation in Scripture.

This is typical behavior, quite predictable. All abusers act the same; they all use the same playbook. This makes them easy to spot, which is good for the rest of us.

Sex is not a need.
It is a wonderful, powerful, God-given, love-expressing privilege.
But, you will not die without it.
It is not a need.

~Tricia

Lessons from Sapphira (Advice for Wives)

I recently made a few observations about Sapphira in Acts 5.

Sapphira was married to Ananias.
Together, they owned  a possession. (Some Bible versions identify the possession later.)
They sold that possession.
However, Ananias held back part of the profit, Sapphira being fully aware of it.
Ananias presented the gift as though it was all the profit.
Upon presenting his portion, Ananias was caught in his lie and immediately died.
Young men wrapped him up and took him out and buried him.
Three hours later, his wife, Sapphira, came to where her husband had been.
She did not know what had happened to her husband.
The possession was identified as land.
Peter asked her about the profits from the sale of their land.
She lied.
She died suddenly.
She was carried off and buried.
All the people feared.

What strikes me as I read this again and again is that Sapphira was responsible for her own decision to deceive. She, herself, was asked to give an account of the profit from the sale of their land. She could have told the truth. She could have told them the plot her husband had planned and said that she knew about it but wasn't going to go along with it. Apparently, she had her own separate portion of the profits.

This goes against all the teachings that a husband is spiritually responsible for his wife. Ananias was clearly not responsible for Sapphira's decision in this. She was responsible and she paid the price. Scripture noted that she was fully aware of the plan, indicating that she made a separate, conscience decision of her own. She was part of the planning and part of the lie. I wonder how it would have ended if Sapphira had not agreed to the plan.

If Ananias was responsible for his wife, she would have died, too, even though she wasn't there, or they would have never asked her, letting it slide because her husband had already paid the price.

Sapphira's voice mattered. 

Her answer mattered. 

She got to give her own answer. 

She answered for herself.

Some could argue that by the time she was questioned, Ananias was already dead, thus freeing her from his  supposed headship. But, Sapphira didn't know he was dead. As far as she knew, she was still married to him and he was alive and well in another location. She acted independently. She was treated independently, expected to answer for her own actions and not able to hide behind her husband's choices for her.

Message to wives:

Gals, make your own choices.

Take responsibility for your own choices.

Married? You're allowed to disagree with your husband.

Recently, I watched Bringing Up Bates, a TV show on the UP Network which features Gus and Kelly Jo Bates and their 19 children. Their daughter, Michaela, had gotten married and some of the family traveled to Chicago to visit her and her new husband and deliver wedding presents. While there, they were rearranging the furniture in her small apartment and one of her sisters asked her if she liked the new arrangement. She said to ask her husband. The sister persisted in asking her what SHE liked. Her reply disturbed me. She said, "We're married now, so I like what he likes."

No. No, no, no, no, no. That is not what marriage means. That is not acceptable. That is not Biblical.
Look at Sapphira. She had the opportunity to make a choice that was different from what her husband chose. Had she made that choice....the right choice....the choice to tell the truth....she would not have died that day for that sin.

While there's no sin in how the furniture is arranged so it's not an even comparison, Michaela's response effectively took away her option to be herself. What her husband likes is what she'll like now. If it's hideous? If it's wrong? If it's stupid? If it's impractical? If she really, really hates it? Oh, my. I fear for their marriage because that will get old real fast, but when it does get old, Michaela will likely chide herself, feel guilty and effectively become a martyr in her own marriage.

How can her husband tolerate that? If I said that about my husband (I like what he likes because we're married), he'd tell me to grow an opinion and stick to it. Her husband would be wise to encourage her to keep her personality and not allow it to be buried under the marriage heading. Getting married does not negate one person's preferences. It does not raise one person's opinion or preferences over the other. Maybe Michaela thinks she's being submissive, but that is not what submission means and her mom should have told her that on the spot. I want to tell Michaela that she's allowed to hate it even if her husband likes it.

The saddest part of that last paragraph is thinking that her husband would have to encourage her to keep her personality. This is indicative of how harmful the patriarchal teachings of western evangelical churches is. I see this all the time....the wife in these marriages becomes a secondary person in the marriage, unable to answer for herself, think for herself or have confidence when she does make a decision. The evangelical men in these marriages are being the opposite of Jesus Christ. They are not sacrificing anything; they are using their wives as a tool for their own advancement. I find this sickening.

Parents, teach your daughters to be strong, independent thinkers who can make good decisions with or without a husband or father to lend approval or disapproval. Sapphira had the opportunity to think for herself and make a better choice. While she still made the wrong choice, it was hers, all hers. She, unfortunately, made the same bad choice her husband had made a few hours earlier.

A woman who is an independent thinker will make a better wife than one who is not.

A woman who can think for herself is better suited to raise a family than a woman who can't or won't.

A few snippets of advice for new brides:

Don't be afraid to have and voice an opinion that differs from your husband's.

Don't feel guilty if you disagree with your husband. You're allowed to disagree with him.

Always be you, not a shadow of him.

Don't allow your husband's opinions, family and personal preferences become the preferred by default. The default ditch is very hard to climb out of once you allow yourself to go there. (And I guarantee you will want to climb out of it one day, even if you're in it now and think it's just fine. It will not remain fine; it really isn't fine at all.)

~Tricia

Don't Believe this Lie

I've seen a disturbing picture circulating among some Christian evangelicals and I have to address it.

This picture is disturbing on so many levels, I hardly know where to start. The placement of these umbrellas is suggestive of Sharia Law to me and has no place in the Christian world. 

One observation is that it claims the husband is to be the provider for the family. If this is true, then the Proverbs 31 woman was totally out of God's will because she provided for her family by making deals with merchants, buying real estate and allowing her family enough wealth to be clothed with purple. There is no mention that her husband provided these things and she just managed them. She provided them! She was a family provider.

Maybe that should be taught.

Another observation is that the husband is set up to be the protector of the family. How is that supposed to work while he's out earning all those provisions? How is he supposed to protect the family when he's not there? I have been a stay-at-home-mom, by choice, for 34 years. I have protected myself, my children and my home all those years in a very pro-active way. I did not sit back and expect my husband to protect me or our kids. That was both our jobs and I was right in there doing all I could to make sure my family was safe. The idea that the husband is to be the sole protector of the family is erroneous. 

Another problem with this erroneous teaching is that it sets the husband up for sure failure. If he travels for business or does not work from home and something happens to his family while he's out of town or at his place of employment, he will feel guilty because he was not there to protect them. But, his guilt would have no place to go because, at the same time, he knows he has to be out there being the sole provider, so he can't win. He either has to stop working, work from home, or leave his family vulnerable to all the evils he's supposed to be protecting them from.

This erroneous teaching has to stop.

A third observation is that the wife is under the husband's umbrella, effectively putting him between her and Christ. What evangelical would support this teaching? There is nothing between a woman and her Savior. Nothing. Not a husband. Not a child. Not one thing. I would never think I have to communicate with my Savior through my husband. Jesus is mine. There is no mediator between God and man except Jesus. 

Erroneous. 

My fourth observation is that the children are placed under the wife's umbrella. This suggests that husbands don't have to be as involved in the rearing of the children; that it's primarily the wife's responsibility. What God-fearing husband would want or support that? What God-fearing man does not think he has a responsibility to his children? 

What happens to the couple who has no children for one reason or another? This leaves no room for a couple to choose to have no children. However, that's a perfectly legitimate choice. There are also many couples who aren't able to have children. 

My fifth observation is that the wife is tasked with managing the home. That could stem from Titus 2:5 where Paul instructs Titus to have the older women teach the younger women to be, among other things, "keepers at home, "(working at home, managing their home). This does not mean this is an exclusive activity, that women can't work elsewhere. If that were true, then those of us who do not have slaves better be getting some because later in the chapter, it tells slaves how to respond to their masters. Surely, Paul did not condone slavery.

There are some who believe this passage teaches that women are not to have careers at all, but to just be home, managing their home. This is erroneous. This sets young wives up to be vulnerable to financial ruin if anything should happen to their husband. If women are to never have careers, then the Proverbs 31 woman was way out of line because she was a real estate investor, a tradeswoman, an astute business woman and a farmer, among other things. How do people justify teaching about her in the context of women not working? 

There are so many women in the Bible who had careers, it's not possible to list them all in one blog post. Rachel was a shepherd; Lydia was a seller of purple; Priscilla was a tentmaker; Sapphira was a real estate investor; Deborah was a judge; Miriam was a co-leader of Israel with her brothers....the list goes on and on. When people take Titus 2:5 out of context and apply it like a blanket, it spells disaster for women. Spelling disaster for women is the only way some men can feel in control. I have news for men like that: They were never meant to be in control of another human being. They need to get over that. God is in control, not men.

My last observation for this blog post is the phrase at the bottom of the picture: "Natural Order of the Household." Says who? That is not the natural order of anything. The natural order was Eden, where Adam and Eve were equal amd were equally charged with dominion over everything on the planet. God did not give them roles to fill. Eve was created as part of God's original, natural plan; she was not an afterthought. She was created as a "suitable companion" who, from the start, equally co-existed with Adam in complete harmony. THAT is the "natural order" of things. Equal co-existence. Equal access to the Savior. Equal responsibility for the dominion of the earth and all that that entails.

Young wives, do not be fooled or taken in by the erroneous teaching portrayed in this graphic. 

Do not fall for this idea because it is man-made. It is a form of spiritual abuse that people use to try to subdue other people....people who are equal to them.

Young women, let nothing......not a pastor.....not a child.....and certainly not a husband.....get between you and your Savior. Like Mary, sit at His feet and learn from Him....let no one tell you to get up and do the dishes, clean up the house or make the coffee. You stay with your Savior without apology. You can still take care of all your responsibilities, along with a husband who should help carry the load of raising a family, and not compromise your relationship with your Savior.

A Biblical graphic would have the wife and husband in the same umbrella, equally sharing the responsibilities of a family while equally respecting each other's relationship with the Savior, neither one dominating in any way.

I am deeply disturbed and burdened that this graphic is being so positively promoted among evangelical leadership. I will have no part in this evil and I will speak out against it whenever I can. 

~Tricia

Leave Your Husband Alone

I recently read an article that really struck a cord with me about marriage. Let me preface this post by stating that I have been married for 36.5 years and we have eight children (and 5 grandchildren so far). Together, we have survived homelessness, medical emergencies, cancer, pulmonary embolisms, sleep deprivation, financial crisis and a host of other stresses that could have derailed us.

The one thing I had to learn to love him right: Leave him alone.

The article referenced above, My Husband Won't Grow Up, (click to read) is what sparked this blog post. What the author of the article writes is something I've seen repeatedly in churches and among Christian couples and I find it very disturbing.

Here are a few things I take issue with:

#1, The article is written with an assumption that the wife's perspective of being the more mature one is a right perspective. It is not. Therefore, the entire article fails from the start.

#2, The author said, "As his wife, you have the delicate role of protecting your husband’s vulnerabilities while also calling forth his strength." I can't find this in Scripture. This places the wife in the role of the Holy Spirit in her husband's life, misleading and misguiding young wives to have an agenda for their husbands. We wives have no such role in our husband's life. The sooner a wife realizes this, the better her marriage will be.

#3, The author said, " If God has truly given you more maturity, wisdom, and strength than your husband has, this means that you have much more power in your relationship than he does. How are you using that power?" Marriage is not about power and there should never be a power struggle in a marriage. The only viable power in a marriage is the power of the Holy Spirit and He does not need wives to act on His behalf toward their husbands. The best thing any wife can do for her husband is to let go of him and stop trying to be the Holy Spirit in his life. God does not need our help to make our husbands "man up" because "manning up" is a man-made idea. Whatever our husband are going to be is not up to us as wives. This author sounds like a wife with an agenda to change her husband....and she's way out of line. She needs to go back to the greatest commandment and the 2nd one, which is like unto it.....love the Lord thy God with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbor as yourself. Wives need to get out of the Holy Spirit's business and leave their husbands alone. "Lean not on your own understanding...."

#4, The author presumes every man needs a mentor or father to teach them manhood. The Bible does not teach this and there are many examples of young men who thrived in "manhood" when their main influence was their mother (Timothy, King Lemuel and Solomon to name a few.) This teaching is very mainstream in our churches, yet marriages are failing all around us. I see why. This is Secular Humanism and it breaks my heart when I see it being taught to young couples. It creates false expectations that chip away at a marriage little by little until it is destroyed or, at the very least, unsatisfactory.

#5. The author quotes Dr. Daniel Levinson's book, Seasons of a Man's Life, where he said that every man needs three things to be fulfilled in life: A dream, a wife who believes in him and a mentor to show him the way. This is directly contrary to Scripture. What every man and every woman needs is Jesus Christ. Period. Nothing more. To teach otherwise is Secular Humanism. A wife cannot choose Jesus for her husband, either; she can only choose Him for herself.

I have a better idea for wives who think their husbands are too immature. Those wives need to be praying for their husbands. Pray for him, then leave him alone. Pray for him, then trust that the Holy Spirit is capable of working in his life without your interference or assistance. Pray for yourself that you would have a right relationship with God....which will result in leaving your husband alone. *Trey, a young man in our church, came to my husband about his wife, *Cassie, who would not come to church or get baptized. Trey came alone every Sunday, even though Cassie professed faith in Christ. Trey wanted Cassie to not only come to church, but get baptized and join. He hounded her about it, but she would have none of it. So, my husband's advice: Stop talking to Cassie about it and simply pray about it. Just pray but leave Cassie alone. Within 2 months, Cassie came to my husband on her own and asked about baptism. She was baptized a couple weeks later.  To this day, Cassie is an active integral part of their local church and Trey learned the power of prayer in his marriage and in another person's life. (This is a true story; names were changed.)

Those who doubt the power of prayer are those who I suspect have never tried it. They can't see its power because they have not experienced it first hand. It takes a leap of faith to believe in and practice prayer, but I challenge any woman who is thinking their husband needs to grow up to simply pray for him without interference or nagging. Just prayer. Then wait and see what good the Lord has in store.

Girls, we are not our husband's mothers. We are not authority figures in their lives (nor they in ours, but that's for another blog post). We have no right to declare ourselves more mature and then scheme to bring what we think is maturity into their lives. If there's a real problem, talk to him like a mature person. Communicate your frustration without accusation. It is not our job as wives to bring our husbands into manhood. This is a myth that is destroying marriages. Our "job" as wives can really be summed up in the greatest commandment and the second, which is like it: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbor as yourself.

Loving the Lord your God will all your heart soul and mind will teach you how to use a mirror. It will teach you that when you look in a mirror, you see your own reflection, not your husband's, and your own reflection is the only thing you can do anything about.

A number of yeas ago, I gave a devotional at a young woman's wedding shower at church. I spoke
these very words at that shower, telling that young woman, and all the listeners, that leaving her husband alone in this regard is the best way to love him. I told the group that it's not our job to fix or change our husbands; that's the job of the Holy Spirit. Afterward, an 83-year-old woman came up to me in tears. She said, "You are so right! If only someone had told me this early in my marriages. If only! It would have saved me a lot of unnecessary heartache." She'd been widowed and married again, yet struggled with this in both marriages. She had learned the hard way that it wasn't her job to change or fix her husband; that he belonged to God and God would shape and mold him as He saw fit.

Go, love your husbands....and leave them alone.
~Tricia

Stop the Submission; Stop the Abuse

I am happy to report that Bill Gothard might finally have to answer for his abuses over the years. Many are saying it's about time. I can honestly say I saw it coming. I saw it in Bill Gothard; I saw it in Jack Hyles (I was in his church twice); I saw it in the ABWE missionary I met and shook hands with as he promoted himself. I saw it, I see it and I have figured out what's causing it, at least in part, and why it gets to continue like it does.

Submission.

All abusers require submission in order to carry out their abuse. As an abuse survivor, I am acutely aware of this fact. If you stop the submission, you will stop the abuse.

Now, I am fully aware that this statement flies in the face of modern fundamental Christian churches, but hear me out. The Bible surely talks about submission, but I fear our churches and para-church organizations have taken it a step too far. This extra step opens the door to abuse very wide, and every time. The very first step in stopping the abuse is to stop the submission. The very first step in stopping the submission is to understand what the Bible really says about submission.

Submission started with sin. In the garden, when God was telling Adam and Eve the results of their sin, He told the woman, in Genesis 3:16, that her "desire will be toward her husband and he will rule over" her. So, the idea of submission is a result of the fall. God was telling them what they would face in the future; He was not ordering the husband to rule over the wife. There is no command given in this statement.

Ephesians 5:22 tells wives to "be subject to" their own husbands "as unto the Lord."

Colossians 3:18 states, 'Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord."

Each of these passages have one word in common above the others and it's not the word "submit." As a matter of fact, the Ephesians reference does not even have the word submit in it in the Greek. Look it up and see. The one word these verses have most in common is "husband" and a particular husband at that....."your own husband."

Women, we are to submit to our own husbands. Period. There is no other man on the planet to whom we owe submission in that context. We are to "submit ourselves one to another" as Christians, as stated in Ephesians 5:21, but that does not mean all women submit to all men. It means all men and women submit to each other in a church context. It means the female voice is just as important as the male voice.

When Christ died on the cross, He brought in the age of grace and His Word went from husbands ruling over wives to husbands being commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. (Ephesians 5:25) A husband who is looking to do that hardly has time to brow-beat his wife into submission for his struggle is far greater, I dare say.

Women, stop submitting to men who are not your husband!

I have been married for nearly 35 years.  We have reared eight children. Submission is not an issue in my marriage. Submission is not an issue in my life, either. I submit to the law of the land, I submit to the Word of God as the Holy Spirit moves in my heart. I submit to other Christians in our service of the King. But, I simply do not and will not submit to any other man simply because he's a man and I'm a woman. I do not submit to preaching that is not aligned with the Word of God. I look things up on my own and decide if they are true. I hold no one else responsible for that besides myself.

I never have. I never will. But, this has not gone over very well with other men.

When we stop submitting to men who are not our husbands, it opens a door to freedom. It empowers us to question men like Bill Gothard. It makes us think twice before we automatically submit to the unreasonable demands of a mission board over how to school and/or raise our children.

I don't deal with men who expect me to submit to them and their way of thinking. Years ago when my husband and I owned a rental property business, we would look at a potential house to buy and some of the real estate agents would not so much as look at me, let alone give credibility to anything I had to say in any deal. They would look only to my husband. When we realized what was happening, we dealt with it swiftly and effectively. We simply would not buy a house or property from any agent who did not treat me as an equal in Johnson Rentals. When an agent practiced this, we politely thanked him for his time and were done. No female agent ever did this, by the way; it was only the men.

I truly believe one of the keys to stop abuse in the church, on the mission field, and in any Christian or non-Christian workplace is for women to stop submitting to men who are not their husbands. Husbands and wives can become a united fortress for their families, that no one can penetrate. This protects their children from abuse more than anything else.

This thinking enabled me to make my son's Marine Corps Drill Instructor stand down and apologize to me in front of his recruits. I knew he had no authority over me, so when he cussed in front of my two little boys, who were four and six at the time, I politely asked him to stop talking like that in front of my little boys. I told him that they are so young and impressionable and they would think it's ok to talk like that. The DI immediately apologized to me over and over and said he'd clean up his mouth. My son and his fellow recruits silently rejoiced. (I worried for a minute that he wouldn't let my son graduate boot camp, but he did.)

Abuse survivors like myself learn that we have power over ourselves and we become unafraid to exercise that power no matter who disagrees or tries to quiet us.

Oh, and quieting us is a common tactic to allow the abuse to continue, or at least ensure the abuser doesn't get caught. In many cults, this is called making the women and girls "keep sweet." In the FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints) cult, run by Warren Jeffs from his prison cell, this is what they do. They first subdue the women with submissive teachings, then they oppress them if they try to exercise a mind of their own, then they accuse them of causing trouble if they don't "keep sweet." This is eerily similar to what I've heard some men say.....they criticize women who are outspoken about abuse in an attempt to quiet them. They'll say things like, "Oh, she's always harping about that." or "Are you ever going to give that up?" or "You're just like that because you think you were abused." or "Can you believe her? Ha!" And the list goes on. Don't "keep sweet." Speak up about abuse, every single time. Some young man or woman will thank you one day.

Every cult that ever was works openly to subdue the women!  Without exception.

Don't be that woman. Don't submit to men who are not your own husband. And if your husband is demanding you do something unbiblical or something you disagree with, stand your ground against it. God comes first. And if you need help with that, contact me.

And, if you're not married but live on your own as single, you submit to no one any more than any man does and should. Don't submit to men just because they are men. Submit to one another in your church, but the men should also be practicing this.

I know a pastor who is so insecure about submission that when a godly woman in his church was widowed, he didn't know what to do with her, so he ostracized her and accused her of being out there "practicing fornication" in the world. This woman had served her Lord in her church for years and was in her 70s when this happened to her. She left his church. I don't blame her. I would have gone with her had I been there at the time.

I am heartbroken for the young people who were hurt by Bill Gothard. I am heartbroken for the people I know whose marriages were destroyed due to his unbiblical teachings. I am burdened beyond expression about this and I will continue to speak out against abuse. I will continue to empower women to stand up and have a voice of their own. I will continue to encourage women to choose Jesus, like Mary, Martha's sister did, because that cannot be taken away from them.

You all have the right to choose Jesus. And you don't have to do it quietly to be godly.

If someone wants me quiet about abuse, they can stop supporting abusers.
~Tricia