Tell Your Story

Recently, a young woman I know found out that her abuser, a pastor, leader in the church, and missionary, had died. She had mixed emotions about it because she had never had the opportunity to get justice.....and now she can't because he died. She wasn't sure there were other victims. She can be sure there were. Abusers don't stop with one victim. Never.

I hope she finds the strength to tell her story. Those other victims need to hear it. They need to know they are not alone and that the future offers hope because of Jesus Christ. 

I was recently dismissed when I tried to tell one of my stories. I was told that it was not necessary to tell what happened because "everyone has stories" and we need to focus on other things.

But, telling the stories is so important. Here's why:

For someone who has been abused, telling their story adds to and aids in the healing process. It's therapeutic for them to tell their story. It helps them process it and the effect it had on them. Being able to articulate it gives them power. The more they tell it, the more powerful over it they become. If you will listen and let them tell their story, you are a hero.

Telling your story helps other victims. If you are able to articulate your story, that is a victory in and of itself and other abuse victims need to see and hear that you can tell what happened to you. There is power in hearing someone else's story because it gives hope to the hearer. 

Your story can help other abuse victims process what happened to them. Getting out of an abusive situation does not put an end to what an abuse victim has to deal with. Memories are strong. Dreams that were shattered because of abuse take time to rebuild. Safety and trust have to be regained. Seeing you be able to tell your story while no longer living under the power of the abuser is mighty medicine for other victims. 

God heals all abuse and victims need to hear how God healed your abuse so they can have confidence He will heal theirs. Coming off abuse, a victim often feels hopeless and is filled with despair. Hearing your story gives them that spark of hope that will eventually end their despair.

Telling your story breaks the shroud of silence that is essential for abuse to keep happening. All abusers depend on the silence of their victims. When you tell your story, you are smashing one of the most important tools and abuser has, silence.  

Sometimes you will try to tell your story to someone and they will dismiss you and not let you. When that happens - and it will happen - move on. That person will not be part of your healing. It's best to move on quickly and realize your relationship with that person will remain surface. While that may initially hurt because you thought you could be closer to that person, it's best to see the reality right away and move on quickly. You can still be friends with that person, but it will be more of a shallow friendship because you can't share your whole heart.

Tell your story.

Tell your story again and again. 

As much as you need to, tell your story. 

Those who will listen will have a huge part in your healing.

~Tricia

Is this a Trick Question?

A met a young woman the other night. She was a guest in our home and, while friends with my two youngest sons, I hadn't met her until the other night. She reminded me of myself at her age. Petite, energetic, opinionated and outspoken. I liked her right away.

As I had off-and-on communication with her (they (she, another friend and my two sons) were watching a movie and grabbing snacks throughout), I noticed she used one phrase very frequently. She would often say, "Well, I'm a Baptist, so I don't do that..." or, "Oh, we're Baptists, we believe this or that," or, "Oh, you know us Baptists!" So, I was intrigued by this word usage and I asked her a few questions.

The next time she referred to being a Baptist in my presence, I said, "Oh, I see you're Baptist. Does that mean you ascribe to all the things your Baptist church teaches?"

She said, "Huh? I mean, um, is this a trick question?"

I said, "Certainly not. It's an honest question. I know what independent Baptist churches teach and I'm curious to know if you agree with and live your life by what they teach."

She said, "Well, I know women are supposed to submit to their husbands."

Now, before you think there were other words exchanged before she went straight to the topic of submission, let me assure you there were not. This was first and foremost on her mind. Her role is to submit. That's her main takeaway from her Baptist church.

I probed further, "Well, you're not married so that doesn't apply to you in that way, but don't miss the fact that men are also told to submit to their wives."

She looked at me curiously, but said, "Well, yeah......"

Then I asked my next question. I said, "Are you familiar with what is called the great commission?"

She said, "Well, I can't recall it word for word....."

I said, "It says something like, 'Go into all the world and teach all nations, baptizing them....etc...basically a commandment to make disciples."

"Yeah!" she exclaimed, "That's it! Yeah."

I asked, "Who is Jesus talking to when he says that?"

She replied, "Ummm...hmmm...is this a trick question?"

"I promise, I'm not asking any trick questions."

"Ok, well, I think he's talking to his disciples."

"And," I said, "who are his disciples?"

"People who followed him at the time......and....us? Yes, us."

"So, he's talking to you?"

"Yes."

"Never forget that. He's talking to you. He's not talking to a husband who will then instruct or allow you to serve him. He's talking directly to you. I just wanted to plant that seed with you and make sure you follow Jesus, not a husband or church leader. He's talking to you."

"Yeah....." she said rather wistfully.

Statement analysis:

Had this delightful young woman answered me with anything other than submission, I likely  would not have gone down this path. Her first statement about her church was about submission in marriage. This speaks volumes to me. I suspect her church is out of balance because a young, single woman ought to be looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of her faith, and not what a future relationship with a human male might have to do with her relationship with Jesus or her church, or even with him, the human male. The fact that she thought, twice, that I was asking her trick questions could mean that she is being groomed to fit into a box that some man or male leadership created for her. I hope she smashes that box and never goes in there.

We are not doing our young people any favors by emphasizing a concept like submission which has been grossly misinterpreted and misapplied within the church. When we neglect to teach Jesus and emphasize a personal relationship with him, we are leading our young people astray, male and female.

I believe this is a conditioning or grooming tactic used by church leadership to ensure a woman knows her "place" and will follow their idea that submission should be a woman's focus. This is wrong. The Bible does not teach this. This is secular humanism wrapped in patriarchy, created to oppress and subdue women. Men and boys are groomed to think they are always the leaders and women and girls are groomed to think they are always subordinate. This is wrong. Absolutely wrong. It turns my stomach.

Do not be fooled, girls. You belong to Jesus and he is to be your priority. He's talking to you, not through someone else to you. Your focus should not be submission; your focus should be Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith. Let no one teach you differently. Walk out if they try.

Galatians 1:8 & 9: "But though we or an angel from Heaven preach any other gospel to you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be cursed. As we said before, so say I again, if anyone preaches another gospel to you than that you have received, let him be cursed."

~Tricia

More on Fitz. At First Baptist.

I recently wrote a blog post about something that happened to me at First Baptist Church in Laurel, MD. If interested, you can read that post here.

I want to follow up and say this:

Please, for the safety of your children and even your own privacy, be aware that no one there seems to think it's bad that Fitz is not uncomfortable being alone in a ladies room with a woman he does not know.

I was called out over this. I was told I "treated him like trash" and am "hurting the church" by speaking out about this.

Every single decent man in my life has said they would be embarrassed to find they had walked in on a woman in a ladies room. Every single decent man in my life has said they would very quickly leave the room if they walked in on a woman....that it would make them uncomfortable and they would feel terrible.

Did you catch that?

They would leave.....very quickly.....
They would be uncomfortable....
They would feel terrible.....

Not Fitz. He was not a bit uncomfortable.
He didn't feel terrible.
He felt victimized, telling others I "treated him like trash."

He stayed.

I left.

I left while a man stayed in the ladies room.
Doesn't that seem odd and not quite right to you?

He expressed ZERO embarrassment.
He had ZERO discomfort.

He literally stood there, smirking at me.
I had to walk within six inches of him in order to get out....he was blocking the door....he would not move....he stood there smirking.
And, apparently, "I'm hurting the church" to speak up about this.
Nah, the church doesn't need my help; they are hurting themselves just fine.
A "church" that further victimizes a victim while touting the Gospel has missed the Gospel message altogether.

Is he going to walk in on you .......or your daughter...... next?

~Tricia

Poor Little Perpetrator

Bonhoeffer said, “Silence in the face of evil is itself evil. God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.”

When did the victim become the object of questioning in the church? I've seen this over and over again. Someone is victimized in the church and all eyes look to the perpetrator with a quest to understand why they would do what they are accused of doing. This happens while the victim is either told they need to forgive, or are ignored altogether. This is absolutely infuriating.

Let me give you some examples. These examples are based on real-life, true stories.

First, Sally's story: Fourteen-year-old Sally was molested by a man in the church during a youth event when no one was around for a few minutes. Sally reported this abuse to her mom and word got out when her family tried to get justice and prevent him from hurting someone else. People's responses went like this:

"Oh, I wonder what kind of childhood he had that would make him do that."
"He's always been nice to me."
"I've never seen him do a thing wrong!"
"He's served in this church for years!
"I can't picture him doing that."
"There must be some mistake."
"Sally must have done ......something."

And while all these people are busy taking the perpetrator's side with their words, Sally's life is destroyed, piece by piece. First, her perpetrator took her innocence and violated her. Second, her church family, those she should trust the most next to her own family, betrayed her by shedding doubt on her story in defending him. Third, sympathy for her was quickly minimized while a longing to show compassion for the perpetrator grew. Her family left that church and never went back. Years later, people still wonder why they won't go to that church.

Jack's story:  Ten year old Jack was molested in the men's room at church during the service when he went out to go to the bathroom. A few months later, Jack told his older brother. His brother told their parents. The parents told the pastor, who took it to the deacons. The deacons' response was:

"We need to handle this in a godly way; we need to make sure Mr. Perpetrator has a chance to repent."
"We need to make sure Jack is willing to forgive."
"We need to pray and give Mr. Perpetrator the benefit of the doubt. After all, he's served in this church for decades."
"Jack has made a little trouble; his Sunday School teacher said he often doesn't pay attention."
"Does Jack hang out with those other boys who cause trouble?"
"Jack's mom seems to be seeking revenge. We can't let that happen; we might have to confront her. She needs to be godly and forgive"

And Jack's life spirals out of control and gets no justice. He is told he has to forgive and Mr. Perpetrator is free to attack someone else.

Lois' story: The janitor walked in on Lois as she was using the ladies' room. Embarrassed, Lois quickly confronted him and told him to leave. He was belligerent and would not leave the ladies' room. Lois was shocked at the fact that he was in no way embarrassed or uncomfortable while in there with her and he made no move to leave. As a matter of fact, Lois ended up leaving first!

Upset, Lois called her husband, who told her she needed to inform the senior pastor that night. He happened to be in the building and she did inform him. While waiting for him, she informed the building security person, who called their supervisor. Able to hear her on the other end of the phone, Lois heard her say, "Oh, that doesn't sound like him."

While Lois was assured things would be dealt with that night, they were not, and a week later, the janitor walked into the ladies room again, with no warning. Lois watched from the foyer this time, since she no longer felt safe going into the ladies room. It wasn't until Lois spoke up about it again, and her husband intervened, that the leadership of the church finally made a policy about male janitors entering a ladies room.

As for Lois, she's heard "That doesn't sound like him" so many times from all levels of leadership in the church that she no longer trusts any of them. The janitor told the leadership that he apologized to Lois and they were satisfied with that. However, the janitor did not apologize to Lois, he lied to the leadership, and things were not followed up on. As a matter of fact, he smirks when he sees her. Lois has become disillusioned with her church. She does not feel safe using the ladies room unless there is a large crowd in the building.

Dear Church Leaders:  In cases of abuse, the victim is your priority, not the perpetrator!

Do not show sympathy to the perpetrator at the expense of concern for the victim.

Do not show compassion to the perpetrator while your victim cowers in a corner with no voice.

Abuse of all kinds is happening in the church. The three examples given in this blog are all true and represent the tiniest fraction of abuse I'm aware of, and I'm just one person! Too many people are not only showing more compassion to the abusers, they are turning a deaf ear to the victims, further victimizing them by shedding doubt on them and not speaking out against abuse.

I will not be silent about abuse I see. Whether it's blatant abuse like described above or a bunch of women ruining another person through gossip, I will speak out and I will not be silent about abuse.

Bonhoeffer was right.

~Tricia

The Forgiveness Ploy

Today, I read this blog post on Emerging From Broken and had to agree with many statements made by the guest blogger, Pam Witzemann, who posted. (I overlooked the fact that this blogger is in desperate need of a viable editor and simply took the content of her words. Her words were more gripping than her bad grammar and poor (actually, wrong) use of commas. However, I did have to address this in my blog, since I am a writing instructor and many of my readers know this.)

This particular paragraph was especially poignant and prompted the title of this blog post:

"What many abusers want instead of forgiveness is for the abused person to forget what was done to them, over-look it, and not hold them responsible for it. They also need their victims to remain silent and when that silence is threatened, they demand forgiveness and declare that any relational problems are due to the victim’s unwillingness to forgive. These lies cause confusion and abusive people know that causing confusion in others, works in their favor. There is nothing that confuses a childhood abuse survivor more than the forgiveness ploy." 

This "forgiveness ploy" works for abusers and they are not silent about it. Last summer, while on vacation with my family, I was confronted in a museum by a man who had assaulted me several years earlier. At the time of the assault, he was not only a member of our church, he was a trustee. He became angry at me for something I said and actually physically assaulted me in the foyer of the church!  Other people got him away from me, but I was stunned. I called the police, who instructed this man to find another church to attend and not come near me or the property since I lived on the property.

When this man saw me at the museum this past summer - in another state, by the way - he boldly approached me, along with his wife, and demanded forgiveness. I stood my ground, even as they approached, coming physically close to me (I never, ever back down from an abuser). I asked him what he wanted me to forgive him for and he stated that he'd done nothing wrong. I then asked why he needed forgiveness and he became enraged. He and his wife continued to approach me; I continued to stand my ground. They nearly hissed that they had forgiven me. I asked them what for and they had no reply.  Upon their next step closer, I told them they will either back off right now or I will call 911, and I reached into my pocket and took out my phone. They backed off, but not silently. They backed off while saying, "God is a God of forgiveness!  You have to forgive!"

They did not want to be held responsible for their actions.
They wanted me (still want me) to be silent about the abuse.
They demand forgiveness, even while simultaneously begging for it while denying their actions which would need forgiving.
They threw it on me, even though they were the ones who approached me, with their demand for my response to "forgive."

The missing piece in forgiveness is often accountability. I've seen and heard counselors tell their "counselees" they "have to" forgive. They even wrap it up nicely and tell them they are forgiving more for themselves than the abuser. This is furthering their abuse because this lays guilt on the abused, causing further damage. It's akin to acknowledging a broken leg, but requiring that someone use that broken leg to do some lifting before it's set to heal. This not only delays the healing, it causes further damage to the leg. The healing will come; just not by demand.

In the blog, the author, Pam Witzemann, also said, "An abuse survivor can forgive their abuser but it is foolhardy and dangerous to continue in a relationship with a person who never acknowledges the personal damage they have caused." This is where many victims of abuse are, and many have been put there by their counselors.

This man, who demands my forgiveness for something he won't acknowledge doing, apparently wants to continue in a relationship with me, hence he approached me. It would be dangerous and foolish of me to continue in a relationship with him since he has already assaulted me once and has continued his threatening behavior ever since.....and now his wife is acting the same way. She, herself, assaulted me on a smaller scale once. They are both dangerous to me. Neither of them will take responsibility for their actions. Pam Witzemann also said, "It’s simple, people who want forgiveness will say they are sorry and name specifically, what they are sorry for. People who are content to abuse and thereby, hold power over their victim, will have no remorse and will never acknowledge the pain and damage they have caused." This demonstrates what this man and his wife are demanding from me, yet denying responsibility for.

So, while Pam's article was directed at victims of child abuse (which I also am), the principles she pointed out apply to all victims of abuse. 

To abuse, then remain unaccountable, then demand "forgiveness" is absurd. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Who, Himself suffered for our sins - even the sins of abuse - demands more. He calls us to repent, 2 Timothy 2:24-26; Acts 2:38; Acts 3:19. The Scriptures are filled with calls to repentance. With a readiness to forgive, He stands with His arms outstretched. Repent. Find forgiveness in Jesus Christ. He will see to the rest of the forgiveness you may seek, and He can restore relationships as a result.

This man, this particular abuser, had only to acknowledge what he did to me, own it, tell me he will never deny it or do it again, show me that he had trusted Christ and changed, and our relationship could have been restored. 

But, for now, he really needs to stop approaching me in a threatening manner.

~Tricia

It's My Story

It's My Story

During my writing classes, I often read portions of my own published writings to my students as part of my opening presentation.  In this way, my students learn a little about my story of growing up in abuse and violence with my alcoholic father.  Recently, during a class, one student asked, "Do you ever feel funny writing about that abuse? I mean, what if your dad, or any of your other abusers, read it?"

I was prepared for this question and I answered her without hesitation.  I said, "Whatever I go through happens to me, thus making it my story. If my dad, and other abusers in my life, did not  want the story to be told, they ought not have abused me in the first place."  At that, another student, a big, strapping man, began clapping slowly and deliberately.  Quite frankly, I was honored, shocked, embarrassed and pleased, all at the same time that he applauded me. That had never happened before.

I was prepared for the question, not because it had been asked before, it hadn't, but because I have ready answers about abuse.  I know where I stand with abuse and this confidence has given me a sound set of fundamental principles from which I operate when it comes to my past abuse and any abuse I currently face or will face in the future.  My set of principles comes from Scripture.

Abusive people have unwritten rules.   One big unwritten rule is the rule of silence.  I know this silence well; it was a big part of my life for a very long time.  The victim knows the rules of silence and generally complies with those rules for fear of more abuse, or embarrassment by the abuser, which is also abuse.  The silencing plan includes spinning the truth to the point of making it seem like everything is the victim's fault.  This fear keeps the victim quiet.  It's highly effective.

Yes, abuse that happens to me is my story and I get to tell my story.  I will always tell my story of abuse. This includes abuse from my past, abuse from my present and any abuse I may fall victim to in the future.  Any attempt to quiet a victim is quite simply further abuse.

So, I will not be silent any longer.  Hence, I wrote my book, Victory Over Violence.  I will blog about abuse. I will help others who have gone through, or may be going through, any type of abuse.

I am fully aware that there are times when a person has to be quiet for their own safety.  But, later, when someone has been removed from abuse and is safe, the best advice they can get is advice to talk about it in whatever way they can.  Hushing a victim when they need to talk out their abuse is just another form of abuse.  Victims need someone who will listen with compassion and patience.

Oh, wow….I could go on and on here.  But, I won't for now simply because I know people will only read so much in a blog post. 

But there will be more to come on this topic, rest assured.

~Tricia

When It Comes to the Kids

Most people who have survived abuse and live victoriously over it maintain that victory by putting a set of policies, or boundaries in place.  As an abuse survivor, I have such a set.  My set of policies has been in place for a great number of years now and has worked well to help me live in victory.  I did my best to base these policies on the Word of God and it's my desire to honor God through them, even when they might not make sense to those around me.  One policy that trumps all others is the policy that my children will not know the fear of abuse.  I decided a long time ago, before I even had kids, that no child of mine would ever fear the way I have because of any type of abuse.  That's not to say they have not feared me over the years when it comes to obedience, but I've intentionally tried to strike a balance between parental authority and abuse of that authority. 

I've spanked them, yet never taken my anger out on them.  I've pulled them by the arm to get them out of harm's way, yet never left a bruise.  I've raised my voice at them, expressed frustration at their actions, taken away privileges, grounded and given them extra chores.  But, I have never instilled in them the fear that accompanies abuse.   I know that fear.  I was raised in the fear. That fear controlled me for a very, very long time, until the Lord Jesus Christ took that fear and replaced it with peace, determination and perseverance. 

In the movie, Flightplan, Jodie Foster's character is a mom and her six-year-old daughter goes missing on a jumbo jet flying at 33,000 feet.  Her entire focus during the movie is to locate her daughter and ensure her safety.  She's doubted, labeled as crazy, handcuffed and restrained, yet she does not ever give up on finding and protecting her daughter.  The incident awakened the Mother Hen in her and once the Mother Hen is awakened, there is no going back.  At the end of the movie, not only does she retrieve her daughter, she also protects her daughter from knowing about the trauma she'd undergone in locating her.  The daughter was drugged by her captors and slept through the entire ordeal.  It ended as a win/win for the daughter because her mom protected her not only from certain death, but from the fear of knowing what had happened. 

This is part of our goal as parents.  Not only do we want to keep our children safe from harm, we also want to keep them safe from the fear that comes with knowing about  harmful dangers they can't control.  Sometimes, this goal is more easily attained than other times.  Sometimes, a mom has to get worked up to accomplish this goal.  Sometimes, she has to have the energy of being worked up to motivate her to keep her focus in rough times or times of threat. 

Word to the wise: Never try to calm a Mother Hen down. It does not work. She needs her enhanced energy to protect her chicks.  She needs that adrenalin rush to fight potential predators.  Attempts to calm her down result in frustration on her part because it invalidates her concern, leaving her feeling like she has to justify herself. Her energy is better spent being worked up so that she can protect her chicks.

When it comes to abuse, I have learned that there are always going to be abusive people in the world. They simply better not mess with my kids.

~Tricia

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is in the news. Forgiveness is on talk shows. Forgiveness is prominent in the minds of counselors.  I have heard it touted as the way to move on after victimization with the idea that a person can't move on until they forgive whomever has hurt them.

I disagree.

Forgiveness is hard and vastly unattainable, whether people admit that or not.  The idea that a person has to forgive in order to move on is not an appropriate response to lack of forgiveness.  It is simply not true.  I want to share a few thoughts on forgiveness which I hope will relieve a struggling person if they run across and read this blog post.

I am not against forgiveness, nor do I want to teach others to hold grudges.  My aim is to set the record straight about forgiveness because I see a lot of people being brow-beat by a demand to forgive, without offenders being required to repent.  This demand is out of their reach and they do not need to forgive in order to move on.  That is a worldly, humanistic view, not at all grounded in Scripture.

A few facts about forgiveness:

• Forgiveness is not ours to demand or require - Daniel 9:9 - "To the Lord our God belong mercies and forgiveness."
•  Demanding or requiring forgiveness further victimizes the victim.  This type of demand goes against Jesus' claim that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:29, 30)  His yoke is easy because He owns our capabilities to forgive, move on and heal.  The key is right there in His Words, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me....."  It is God Who works in us to heal our hearts unto repentance. 
• Forgiveness requires intent from the unforgiven.  Luke 19:3& 4 talk about forgiving a brother and it states "If he repent, forgive......."  I John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins...."  If.  I have seen counselors demand forgiveness even directed toward people who are not repenting.  Repentance is foundational to our faith.  But, we are led to repentance by the Holy Spirit of God.  He leads us to repentance resulting in salvation by faith - faith which He gives.  It's all God, all the time, in all ways.

Based on these simple truths, I do not ever require forgiveness from the people I help.  I am a domestic violence survivor.  I know abuse. I know what it does to a person and what it takes to heal and not live under the cloud of abuse residue.  Forgiveness is not the key to healing and moving on.  The key to healing and moving on is Jesus Christ, the Compassionate Savior Who understands our hurting hearts when we don't feel we can forgive. 

I am not a big supporter of counseling.  My heart is healed from my abuse and I never had any counseling.  My Counselor has been the Lord Jesus Christ from the time He saved me until even now, and really even before He saved me.......and He will remain so.  The healing process takes a different amount of time for each person as He works in us to do of His good pleasure. The key is consistent exposure to solid, Biblical, expository preaching.  Titus 1:3 tells us that God manifests (makes known) His Word through preaching.  It's the preaching, people.  It has been overlooked in counseling circles. It has been scorned, ridiculed and blasted by many mainstream counselors, who may or may not partake of the preaching themselves.  If a counselor was going to practice counseling, yet they did not, themselves, partake of regular, expository preaching of the Word of God, they are disqualified already.

When I do talk to someone who has been abused, I never, ever tell them they ought to forgive their abuser. I know for a fact that telling them they ought to forgive further victimizes them and I am not about to further victimize someone who has already suffered.  So, what do I tell them?  I tell them about Jesus Christ, His compassion, His easy yoke, His understanding of their suffering since He also suffered.   And I tell them that He owns forgiveness.  And I tell them that it's ok to fear; it's ok to be angry; it's ok to feel anything and everything they feel since Jesus knows their feelings and can certainly handle them.

Forgiveness? It's a given when Jesus is the One doing the healing in a person's heart.  Let's not push for forgiveness.  Don't even ask.    Have enough faith to not even bring it up except in the context of what Jesus is capable of - which is EVERYTHING. Jesus, Himself, that great Counselor, will lead their hearts to forgiveness while they are moving on, it won't stop them from moving on - and their inability to forgive will be a thing of the past.  Jesus Christ is perfectly able to handle any and all human emotion, even anger, despair, fear, unforgiveness, etc.  We often act as though our feelings would shock Him and we must lie to ourselves and those around us for His acceptance.  Silly. He already knows the WHOLE truth, yet still loves us all and died for us.  

Imagine that.

Praise be.

~Tricia

The Right Answer

The "right" answer is easy to give.  When someone is constantly turning everything you say into a spiritual lesson, it's easy to give them their expected "right" answer because you know what they want to hear.  They want to hear things that make them comfortable, that let them know you are on the right track in your spiritual growth (according to their expectations). They want answers that reflect their own decisions as if it will validate them and they can keep on feeling good about themselves and their own choices.  Yep, giving the right answer is easy. I know the "right" answer every time. I know exactly what these people want to hear, which, to them, is the "right" answer. I know where they are going with their leading comments that have obvious hints of their own perceived spiritual status.  Have you ever met someone like that?

I know the expected  "right" answers, but I never give the "right" answers. I scold myself if I give the right answer by accident by going with the flow of a conversation.  I prefer to give the real answers; the true answers, which are not always defined as "right" to these types of people.

Case in point:  I recently met someone who seemed to be determined to make sure I knew all the "right" answers and  give them to her when she demanded them through subtle hints in seemingly casual. conversation.  But, alas, I had to throw her off. I could not bring myself to give her the expected "right" answers and it threw her into a bit of a tizzy and she wasn't quite sure what to do with me.

I do not and did not purposely go into any conversation with intent to challenge.  Mostly, my responses were borne out of defense since the flavor of the conversations was continually challenging my own level of commitment and walk with the Lord.  The underlying theme was simply that I was not measuring up. This approach is nothing short of spiritual abuse and I refuse to take part in that, let alone be a victim of such nonsense.  Who has time for that when they are truly living for the Lord in the first place?

If/when you find yourself in a situation where you are being unjustly challenged, i.e. the challenge, itself, is given with the indication that you are clearly wrong and need constant correction, let me give you some pointers so that you don't have to fall victim to that.

• When the unjust challenge starts, remember that you do not answer to the person making the challenge, especially if it is someone you just met.  If you have a consistent spiritual leader in your life who is offering the challenge, that's different, but these damaging challenges rarely come from people who are more closely involved in your life.  The vast majority of the unjust challenges come from new people in your life who come across as though they have all the answers when you first meet them.  So, you don't have to answer to them. You can either politely smile and thank them for their input or say something like, "Oh, aren't you clever!" and let it go at that.  
• Your relationship with God is private.  You are under no obligation whatsoever to share with anyone how often you pray, what you pray about, if you pray, when you pray, where you pray, etc. The Lord, Himself, is actually strong enough, wise enough and loving enough to draw you to prayer without some outside person setting an acceptable schedule and indicating that it's the only means of true spiritual acceptance.
• You do not have to be awkward in silence. Let their condemning words fall on the floor with an awkward silence so they feel the awkwardness and own it. You do not have to feel awkward or like you need to fill a silence left by a cutting remark. If they made the remark, they can own the silence. I was once at a retreat and the speaker was very condemning right from the start, telling us everything we do wrong all the time.  I did not appreciate this as I had not done the things she was accusing me, and the entire audience of ladies, of.  So, I didn't look at her much when she was talking to us.  In the next session, she must have felt an awkward silence from the last one because she actually said, "Oh, ladies, did you know that if you do not look at me when I'm talking and make eye contact, I cannot see you?"  And, I was thinking...."Hmmm, that's working for me!"  Her attempts to lay guilt on us did not work on me.
• Be real.  How you feel about a situation is ok. Just be real.  Feeling a certain way, whether approved of or not, is just that - your feelings.  God does not change with our feelings, but our feelings are real. His Truth remains the same and He is not afraid of our feelings because He knows they are just feelings. Take fear, for example.  When someone is afraid, they are often admonished by other Christians that they "should not" feel that way.  But, their fear is real and tangible and awful and all those things fear is, and now a Christian brother or sister has added guilt to their fear, making it worse. When I am afraid, I have learned from Scripture, that fear is normal, expected and already handled by our Almighty God.  He remembers that we are dust; He KNOWS we are going to fear and does not even one time condemn us for our fear.  Most Christians are afraid of real feelings so they tell us we "should not" feel that way.  Quite frankly, I think we should feel most of the things we feel and be real about them.

You do not have to give the right answer to anyone. Give the real answer, instead.  Tell them you are afraid and when they say, "Oh, you shouldn't be afraid," tell, them, "Oh, yes I should!"  and feel what you feel.  Just know that they are only feelings, they will pass, but our God is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Heb 13:8)

~Tricia

Conditioning

We get conditioned to certain behaviors and that conditioning leads to expectation. Expectation, if properly used, can lead to great success.  But, it starts with conditioning.  Conditioning also has a dark side. Abusers know this.

As parents, most of us condition our children to believe they can be anything they want when they grow up. We encourage them to try their wings, to dream big, to create all they want and to learn.  This is a form of conditioning.  Most conditioning is thought of in a positive light.  We condition our hair for a better result. We condition our bodies to perform better athletically. We condition our mind to learn better by studying.

But, there's another type of conditioning we need to be wary of.  Negative conditioning.  This type of conditioning is so subtle that many people have no idea they are being conditioned to fail.  There are many types of negative conditioning, but for today's blog post, I want to focus on one particular aspect of negative conditioning:  Economic

Economic Negative Conditioning is Economic Abuse.

Here's how it works:  First, an appealing scene has to be created.  Often, I've seen "ministry" as the chosen vehicle of economic abuse.  The abuser creates a "ministry" mindset that makes it hard for the abused person to argue with.  If what he's doing is "ministry," it's hard to argue with that without seeming unspiritual.  This is economic abuse paired with spiritual abuse.  Often, abusers have to pair different types of abuse together to make one or the other seem plausible.

Once an abuser establishes his or her avenue of abuse, such as using "ministry" as a front, they have successfully set the stage for their next move.  In the name of "ministry" one can't want financial gain, economic success or nicer things.  If an abuser sets his victim up (conditioning) to expect less, they are free to be lazy, have other priorities, not work hard and then pursue their own interests outside of their financial responsibilities to the person they are abusing.  Inevitably, the abuser is doing this to someone they are financially responsible for.

Conditioning a person for economic abuse happens over time.  The abuser can't spring this on a person all at once; they take their time and patiently repeat certain ideas and expectations to the point where, over time, the victim automatically falls in line with the negative way of thinking they are being conditioned toward!  It's a process that abusive people have often perfected and rarely does a victim even know they are a victim until years into it when they wake up one day and decide they are tired of struggling.

Enough said for now.  Economic abuse is rampant among abusive people.  If you suspect you are in an economically abusive situation or relationship, tell someone you trust.  They may already suspect the reality of this in your life, and you speaking out will confirm it.  Recognition of abuse is the first step in stopping abuse.

~Tricia

Why I Can't Hold a (Paying) Job

Most people I know have a job.  It's not so hard.  Get a job. Go to work. Do what your job requires. Go home. Collect your paycheck.  Yet, I have a problem holding a paying job.

It wasn't long after we moved to MN that what seemed like the perfect job opened up for me.  I was SO excited!  The local crisis pregnancy center needed a new director and I had just the experience and personality to do the job.  Their board of directors hired me unanimously.  I was thrilled!  But, it wasn't long before I found problems within the organization.  They were violating the law on 21 different counts.  When I took my (surprising) findings to the board, they agreed to the wrongdoing, but immediately condemned me for bringing it up.  Things got ugly. I quit on principle.

Hmmm. Ok, well, that was alright since they were violating the law, the Scriptures and my conscience.

So, not long after I quit that job, the looming mortgage of a property we'd left behind sent me searching for another job.  I went corporate and applied for a part-time job at a large, local company.  I got the job right away, I think mainly because I can type really fast and I know how to dress for an interview.  When I took the job, I made it very clear that I could not work mornings because of my home school.  So, they gave me mostly afternoon hours, with one morning required.  Three months into the job, my boss told me that I would have to start working 3 mornings a week, and that my job would soon go full-time.  I told her I couldn't work mornings, nor full-time.  A month later, when I made no progress in keeping afternoon-only hours, I quit.  Again, on principle.  I simply could not compromise my home school any further.  So, I decided I'd rather be poor than compromise my family.

I'd been in Direct Sales for about 6 years, but only as a hobbyist, not as a serious business person.  However, upon learning about a new Direct Sales company, I researched and based on what I found, I joined as a consultant.  The company promotes itself as "faith-based" and that was right up my alley since I am in full-time Christian ministry.  It wasn't long before I found that their idea of "faith-based" did not match mine.  At a unit meeting, women were gathered, drinking wine & cussing, then driving home with at least 2 glasses of wine under their belt.  Drinking and driving are not tolerable.  When I complained, I was told I do not have to go to those unit meetings.  Well, obviously.  Not long after that, I saw a measure of spiritual abuse going on within the group. When I spoke up about it, I was publicly reprimanded.  So, I'm now in the process of leaving that company since I can't support their interpretation of "faith-based."  

So, my theology trumps my willingness to work in certain situations.  Sometimes living our theology makes this type of impact on our lives.  No doubt that it could be me, however.  I have certain theologically-determined decisions that are non-negotiable.  Speaking out about (and not participating in ) violations of the law is one.  Speaking out about spiritual abuse is another.  Not compromising my family, not violating my own conscience, not going with a flow blindly.  

Does living your theology out ever dramatically impact your life and choices?  I sure hope so!  It's nothing short of an adventure to live out a solid theological position, letting it guide, instead of the world, and seeing what doors God opens up as a result.

My results are interesting.  Right now, I'm working 6 - 10 hours a week as our church's Administrative Assistant, which has me working side-by-side with my husband.  The hours are perfect & it's nice to have a little paycheck.  I'm also seeing my writing opportunities expand, and my writing class grow.  I'm super excited about that as I love teaching what I've learned as a published author.

So, I'll continue to let my theology guide me into life's decisions and see where that adventure continues to take me, even if it means I'm unemployed.

~Tricia

You Might Be in an Abusive Relationship if......

There are consistent patterns in every abusive relationship, without fail.  The patterns are the same and never vary.  The fulfillment, or manifestation, of the pattern can be very different, however.  Those differences can make the abuse very hard to recognize.  So, I'd like to identify some of these patterns for you so that you might be able to recognize whether or not you, or someone you love, is in an abusive relationship.  The thrust of this particular blog post will center on spousal abuse, but the patterns are universal.

You might be in an abusive relationship if.....

....your spouse makes threats disguised as jokes.  Example: Someone might say, "Oh, I'll never take you all the way to (_______) to visit your family!  We can't afford that!"  This is a very subtle way to tell your spouse that he or she will not be visiting her family in the near future, or ever. The abuser will actively make it impossible, and over time unreasonable, to expect to travel for family visits.

....your spouse assumes negative emotions from your loved ones. They never find out how your family really feels about them - or you and your choices - they assume disapproval and feed that to you and nothing else. This also creates a difficult climate in which to communicate with those loved ones.  Since the victim has heard only negative things for so long, they start to believe those negative things, which makes it difficult for them to communicate.

....your spouse creates a false set of expectations that can't possibly be fulfilled.  Example:  Abusers build up certain expectations of your loved ones in your mind.  When they don't respond the way your expectations have been fueled, you're told it means that they really don't love you or care about your life.  Then the language used is generally:  "If your family loved you, they would .........(do this or that).

....someone in your life builds themselves up while putting others down.  If someone in your life puts your friends and loved ones down while building themselves up, take note and beware. The abusers who use this technique are extremely insecure and this builds up their egos. The "put-downs" are usually very subtle, wrapped in false compassion and grief. ("Oh, I'm so sorry your Mom doesn't care.....what a terrible thing...")

....someone claims that only they, and people they love, really love you.  I've seen young women who've grown up in loving homes fall for this one when they get married.  They might be far from home or otherwise removed from their family for a time and the abuser in their lives paints a picture of him or herself as the "hero" who dispels all she's ever feared.  Suddenly, she "clearly sees" how he and his family are the only ones who "really" love her.  When her family does attempt to come close, he throws fiery darts to keep them at bay, and even convinces her that they are in the wrong, they are the ones creating the problem and he's trying to "fix" things. Many times, ultimatums are given at this time which are very hard to overcome.   This is part of the abuser's plan, however.  Don't think for a minute that any of these happenings are coincidence. This is part of the abuser's overall plan to keep their victim away from those who can see what he's doing.  Nope, none of it is coincidence.

Overcoming abuse is not impossible.  YOU can control your level of involvement in the situations an abuser creates in your life.  YOU have the ultimate choice, but it can take time, so patience is also required. Developing a set of personal policies that control your level of participation is step one in your process of overcoming abuse.

My #1 policy for dealing with abuse in my life is simple:  I will not ever keep an abuser's behavior quiet. Telling someone I trust is my #1 strategy.  Abusers depend on the silence of their victims.  I don't cooperate with their desire to keep me quiet.  I will tell; I always tell.  I get other loved ones involved.  As a child, when experiencing my dad's constant abuse, I felt so incredibly ashamed and thought that no one knew what he was doing to us.  Imagine my shock to recently hear a cousin say that his abuse was common knowledge in the family!  I had no idea anyone knew!  Chances are, any abuse you or a loved one is experiencing is already known, or at least suspected, by someone.

My theology plays a huge role in this in my life.  I look first to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith, and His Word.  And I act.

More to come on abuse recovery.....
~Tricia

Dealing with Abusive People

It seems I have been around abusive people my entire life, starting with my dad and his violent alcoholism.  From my exposure to abusive people, I've made quite a few observations about their communication methods and I believe they are noteworthy in the sense that making note of them might help someone else recognize that they are in an abusive relationship.

By the way, I don't participate in abusive relationships any more.  But, I will say that non-participation can be tricky as abusive people have a strong agenda that depends on their targets' cooperation.  It's tricky in that you can actually be lured into participation without full realization of your participation!  And, thus, an abuser's agenda has momentum to continue.  When it comes right down to it, though, this is actually a powerful realization for a person under the oppressive behavior of an abuser.  When we realize their agenda depends on our cooperation, we have realized the end of their agenda - at least for ourselves.  Just don't cooperate. Hmmm.

No doubt this is easier said than done but the Bible really gives clear examples of this very thing. Throughout the Bible, we see a consistent, effective method for dealing with abusive people.  In the book of John, John, himself, gives us a great example.  What I learned from John is to have my own agenda, my own plan, making the abuser's agenda much harder for him to accomplish.  John had his own agenda and it was clearly in place whenever he had encounters with the Pharisees.  The Pharisees were highly abusive and openly tried to trap John many times.  Their agenda was to expose his "false" teaching.  His agenda was to proclaim Christ. He saw to it that his agenda was not derailed; he kept his focus, always directing the Pharisees back to Christ. He did it without apology. He did it without hesitation. He did it with consistency.  He was focused and his focus was Jesus Christ.  More on this in a minute.

An agenda, or a plan of your own, is a powerful tool when it comes to dealing with abusive people.  When I was little and my dad was on yet another abusive rampage, it was all about him and what he wanted.  If we didn't appear to understand his demands, he got louder. If we resisted in any way, he got violent.  When he wasn't yelling, throwing things or beating us up, he was emotionally and mentally manipulating us. Growing up that way, it really never occurred to me that I could actually have a plan of my own; that I could actually have my own ideas, thoughts, plans, etc. It always had to be about him and we cowered in fear when he didn't get his way.

For the victim of any type of abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, spiritual, etc., having a plan of their own is not only essential to breaking the abusive pattern for themselves, it's essential for their own well being and sometimes even survival.

This is a starting point.  If you are in any type of abusive relationship or know a loved one who is, help them start with a plan of their own.  It can be as simple as a plan for a given day, a plan for the week, a plan for the year.  Sometimes, the abuse is so intense that a person can only plan for the moment.  That's okay, too.  The greatest starting point for this plan is the Bible.  Jesus Christ knew how to deal with abusive people; He did it all the time.  He dealt with them by telling them the truth, standing His ground with them and He never really answered to them.  This infuriated them, of course. Because Jesus had His own plan, He was not vulnerable to their abuse.  He had His own reason to be in the conversation and that's what He stuck to. He was not all about them!

Read the book of John and see how John dealt with his abusers.  John chapter 1, starting with verse 19 has John's first recorded encounter with abusive men who had their own agenda. John kept his focus, and he kept control of the conversation.  Read through verse 28 and see how he managed all that!  It's quite remarkable and a great example to us all.

Having my own plan has led me to develop personal policies that have shown to be powerful tools as well. There's something decidedly intimidating to an abusive person when their target does not cooperate and instead, cites that it's "against policy."  Now, granted, we might not be in a situation where we can actually say that out loud, but we can certainly remember it for ourselves, remind ourselves mentally, and focus on that. I created my policies through the Scriptures, trying to make sure I was not manipulative myself, but focused on what God would have me do.  God would not have me tolerate abuse, so that policy came easy.

How does my theology play into this?  First of all, I use only Biblical principles in this process. I have learned to not be afraid of my own emotions, but use them as though they are really gifts to help me through a certain situation.  For example, abuse often produces feelings of anger.  Well, there's nothing wrong with being angry; the Bible says "be angry and sin not" (Ephesians 4:6).  Anger is a real emotion and The Lord acknowledges that it exists and never tells us to ignore it.  But, what do I do with that anger?  I use it as a tool. It's a great motivator, keeps adrenaline flowing and helps my momentum.  In anger, I have more courage to resist my abuser and it motivates me to keep my focus on God and what He would have me do.  Anger does not have to be acted out in a negative way.  Anger was motivation for our Savior when He overturned the moneychangers' tables in the temple.  Anger is a great tool.  It's important to control our actions even when our emotions are high and/or negative and using anger as a motivator instead of a destructive force will result in a more positive outcome.  Quite honestly, there are some things that should make us angry!  And there are things that will produce angry feelings.  There's no profit in denying the anger or acting as though it's wrong to feel that way.  What we do with it is what counts.

Secondly, my theology plays into this because I realize that I don't answer to any abuser, I answer to God. This is also a powerful realization for a person being abused, because it frees them from thinking that their abuser has any authority over them.  While there are times when an abuser has authority (as in my case, my abuser in the past was my dad), ultimately it's your life and you will have the ultimate say in what you do with your life. A child does not have as many options (this is topic for another post), but when a child grows up, they DO have options.  And even a child has more options than they might think. I realized early on that my dad could control my actions, but he could never control my thoughts, desires and plans.  I made lots of plans. I wasn't able to carry them out as a child, but I made them anyway.  Those plans led to dreams and those dreams led to motivation and that motivation led to my success in overcoming abuse.  It also led me to create a set of guidelines for overcoming the effects of abuse and all its trappings.  This is all according to the grace and leading of God; I'm not going to ever take credit for what He has done, but I will tell you the steps HE took in my life to free me from the debilitating effects of abuse.  All these steps are a result of His leading, His grace and the power of His Word in my life.

I have a lot more to say about abuse and will continue to post in hopes that I can show how my theology comes into each and every situation I find myself in. Whether it's spiritual abuse from a misguided Christian or emotional abuse from an insecure relative, you can have victory over that abuse, one step at a time.

~Tricia