9 Things I Taught My Sons About Dating

My five sons have called me a drill sergeant, a title I take with pride. I was strict with all eight of my kids, but today, because I've become aware of some dating red flags among Christians, I want to focus on things I taught my sons when they started dating.

I didn't necessarily sit them down and give them a list or even a speech where these things were delivered in a formal way. Rather, these things were addressed as they came up, but were universal for all my sons.

This list assumes Christians participants.

1. She owes you nothing. You may fall in love with her, but that love gives you no rights with her. She can choose not to love you back and you cannot make her love you. She owes you nothing in return. A love that expects love in return isn't love and you're better off getting over it quickly.

2. You get to have zero expectations. You cannot expect a girl to drop her life and be at your beck and call. She has a life of her own and you have to respect that. Expectations kill relationships.

3. Her relationship with Jesus is hers and hers, alone. She does not have to follow anyone's lead when it comes to her relationship with Jesus. You have no say in her relationship with Jesus. Do not expect to have influence, input or claims to her relationship with Jesus. Should you marry this girl, this point is true beyond the wedding. She may choose to include you in her relationship with Jesus, but the choice is hers and you don't get to weigh in on it.

4 You are not her boss. This is America; she has freedom to go where she wants, with whom she wants, when she wants. You cannot influence or interfere with her relationships with other people. You don't get to decide who her friends are, or make her choose your friends - or you - over her friends.

5. You are not the leader in the relationship. Even after you're in a committed relationship with a girl, you are not her leader. She does not need a leader because the Holy Spirit lives in her as much as He does in you and is perfectly capable of leading her as He promised. You do not take the Holy Spirit's place in her life.

6. No means no. "No" is a complete sentence. Do not beg, coerce, trick or otherwise try to engage her in any thing she does not want to participate in.

7. She does not owe you an explanation. If she says no to an invitation to a date, party or other event, take no for an answer and let it go. She does not have to tell you why. She might choose to tell you why, but if you ask and she doesn't want to tell you, she does not have to. See #6 and #1.

8. She is not your everything. Jesus is your everything. If she becomes your everything, your relationship with Jesus has taken a back seat and you are out of line.

9. You are not her spiritual leader. As a believer in Jesus Christ, she is a priest and needs no one else to be her spiritual leader. This extends beyond the wedding, too. Scripture teaches the priesthood of all believers....she does not need your spiritual leadership and Scripture does not support it.

I realize this list is for boys and men, only, but I felt it pertinent to write out this list because of the abuse I am seeing inside young relationships. This list is not to indicate that girls are never abusive. They can be and many are. For this post, however, I'm addressing it from the male perspective and from what I have taught my own sons. I can write a similar list for girls at another time.

As a side note to this, youth group leaders should not be teaching young men how to be the leaders in their relationships, but I see that many are, under the guise of "preparing them for marriage." This is hogwash. Youth leaders need to equally teach both young women and young men to love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength and to love their neighbor as themselves. Parents, settle for nothing less. You call the shots with your teens, call them loudly and without apology.

~Tricia

It's My Story

It's My Story

During my writing classes, I often read portions of my own published writings to my students as part of my opening presentation.  In this way, my students learn a little about my story of growing up in abuse and violence with my alcoholic father.  Recently, during a class, one student asked, "Do you ever feel funny writing about that abuse? I mean, what if your dad, or any of your other abusers, read it?"

I was prepared for this question and I answered her without hesitation.  I said, "Whatever I go through happens to me, thus making it my story. If my dad, and other abusers in my life, did not  want the story to be told, they ought not have abused me in the first place."  At that, another student, a big, strapping man, began clapping slowly and deliberately.  Quite frankly, I was honored, shocked, embarrassed and pleased, all at the same time that he applauded me. That had never happened before.

I was prepared for the question, not because it had been asked before, it hadn't, but because I have ready answers about abuse.  I know where I stand with abuse and this confidence has given me a sound set of fundamental principles from which I operate when it comes to my past abuse and any abuse I currently face or will face in the future.  My set of principles comes from Scripture.

Abusive people have unwritten rules.   One big unwritten rule is the rule of silence.  I know this silence well; it was a big part of my life for a very long time.  The victim knows the rules of silence and generally complies with those rules for fear of more abuse, or embarrassment by the abuser, which is also abuse.  The silencing plan includes spinning the truth to the point of making it seem like everything is the victim's fault.  This fear keeps the victim quiet.  It's highly effective.

Yes, abuse that happens to me is my story and I get to tell my story.  I will always tell my story of abuse. This includes abuse from my past, abuse from my present and any abuse I may fall victim to in the future.  Any attempt to quiet a victim is quite simply further abuse.

So, I will not be silent any longer.  Hence, I wrote my book, Victory Over Violence.  I will blog about abuse. I will help others who have gone through, or may be going through, any type of abuse.

I am fully aware that there are times when a person has to be quiet for their own safety.  But, later, when someone has been removed from abuse and is safe, the best advice they can get is advice to talk about it in whatever way they can.  Hushing a victim when they need to talk out their abuse is just another form of abuse.  Victims need someone who will listen with compassion and patience.

Oh, wow….I could go on and on here.  But, I won't for now simply because I know people will only read so much in a blog post. 

But there will be more to come on this topic, rest assured.

~Tricia