Four Reasons You Can be Glad Your Enemies are not Dead

Someone does you wrong. You are hurt, angry, in disbelief and experiencing a host of other well-justified emotions. It often happens within the church. Someone gossips about you, lies about you, lies to you, etc. We've all been there. We even wish punishment on them. We wonder how such a holy God can tolerate their abuse of others. We hope God will pour out His righteous judgment on them so we can get justice and feel vindicated.

But that normally doesn't happen.

Now what?

I'll tell you what.

Rejoice and be exceedingly glad. If God were in the practice of striking people dead for hurtful infractions they inflict on others, we'd all be dead.

Be glad your enemies are not dead because it means God is showing mercy.

And if God shows them mercy, as horrible as they are, you can be sure He will show you mercy. It doesn't mean what they did to you was justified or tolerable. It means His mercy endures forever. Rejoice.

Be glad your enemies are not dead because it means they have more time to get right with God.

True Christianity compels us to want even our enemies to come to God. His patience with them gives them more time to get right with Him. If you are in the midst of  pain caused by others, you might not see it, but God has vision beyond our pain and we can count on His unchanging character to carry us through. This is mercy and grace, things we all need.

Be glad your enemies are not dead because it means there's time for your relationship with them to heal.

You might think this statement is ludicrous, but I've seen it happen. I've seen people who were stark enemies have their hearts softened toward each other and their relationship was restored. God is the God of restoration, no one does it better or more thoroughly, or through more impossible obstacles.

Be glad you enemies are not dead because they, too, have loved ones.

It might be hard to fathom that your enemy has someone who loves them, but they do. Everyone comes from a family and most go on to create their own families. While it's hard for you to see how anyone can love someone who has hurt you so deeply, it's true that some people do love them and it might be too grievous for those loved ones to lose them.

Rejoice in life - even the life of your enemies.
~Tricia

The Forgiveness Ploy

Today, I read this blog post on Emerging From Broken and had to agree with many statements made by the guest blogger, Pam Witzemann, who posted. (I overlooked the fact that this blogger is in desperate need of a viable editor and simply took the content of her words. Her words were more gripping than her bad grammar and poor (actually, wrong) use of commas. However, I did have to address this in my blog, since I am a writing instructor and many of my readers know this.)

This particular paragraph was especially poignant and prompted the title of this blog post:

"What many abusers want instead of forgiveness is for the abused person to forget what was done to them, over-look it, and not hold them responsible for it. They also need their victims to remain silent and when that silence is threatened, they demand forgiveness and declare that any relational problems are due to the victim’s unwillingness to forgive. These lies cause confusion and abusive people know that causing confusion in others, works in their favor. There is nothing that confuses a childhood abuse survivor more than the forgiveness ploy." 

This "forgiveness ploy" works for abusers and they are not silent about it. Last summer, while on vacation with my family, I was confronted in a museum by a man who had assaulted me several years earlier. At the time of the assault, he was not only a member of our church, he was a trustee. He became angry at me for something I said and actually physically assaulted me in the foyer of the church!  Other people got him away from me, but I was stunned. I called the police, who instructed this man to find another church to attend and not come near me or the property since I lived on the property.

When this man saw me at the museum this past summer - in another state, by the way - he boldly approached me, along with his wife, and demanded forgiveness. I stood my ground, even as they approached, coming physically close to me (I never, ever back down from an abuser). I asked him what he wanted me to forgive him for and he stated that he'd done nothing wrong. I then asked why he needed forgiveness and he became enraged. He and his wife continued to approach me; I continued to stand my ground. They nearly hissed that they had forgiven me. I asked them what for and they had no reply.  Upon their next step closer, I told them they will either back off right now or I will call 911, and I reached into my pocket and took out my phone. They backed off, but not silently. They backed off while saying, "God is a God of forgiveness!  You have to forgive!"

They did not want to be held responsible for their actions.
They wanted me (still want me) to be silent about the abuse.
They demand forgiveness, even while simultaneously begging for it while denying their actions which would need forgiving.
They threw it on me, even though they were the ones who approached me, with their demand for my response to "forgive."

The missing piece in forgiveness is often accountability. I've seen and heard counselors tell their "counselees" they "have to" forgive. They even wrap it up nicely and tell them they are forgiving more for themselves than the abuser. This is furthering their abuse because this lays guilt on the abused, causing further damage. It's akin to acknowledging a broken leg, but requiring that someone use that broken leg to do some lifting before it's set to heal. This not only delays the healing, it causes further damage to the leg. The healing will come; just not by demand.

In the blog, the author, Pam Witzemann, also said, "An abuse survivor can forgive their abuser but it is foolhardy and dangerous to continue in a relationship with a person who never acknowledges the personal damage they have caused." This is where many victims of abuse are, and many have been put there by their counselors.

This man, who demands my forgiveness for something he won't acknowledge doing, apparently wants to continue in a relationship with me, hence he approached me. It would be dangerous and foolish of me to continue in a relationship with him since he has already assaulted me once and has continued his threatening behavior ever since.....and now his wife is acting the same way. She, herself, assaulted me on a smaller scale once. They are both dangerous to me. Neither of them will take responsibility for their actions. Pam Witzemann also said, "It’s simple, people who want forgiveness will say they are sorry and name specifically, what they are sorry for. People who are content to abuse and thereby, hold power over their victim, will have no remorse and will never acknowledge the pain and damage they have caused." This demonstrates what this man and his wife are demanding from me, yet denying responsibility for.

So, while Pam's article was directed at victims of child abuse (which I also am), the principles she pointed out apply to all victims of abuse. 

To abuse, then remain unaccountable, then demand "forgiveness" is absurd. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Who, Himself suffered for our sins - even the sins of abuse - demands more. He calls us to repent, 2 Timothy 2:24-26; Acts 2:38; Acts 3:19. The Scriptures are filled with calls to repentance. With a readiness to forgive, He stands with His arms outstretched. Repent. Find forgiveness in Jesus Christ. He will see to the rest of the forgiveness you may seek, and He can restore relationships as a result.

This man, this particular abuser, had only to acknowledge what he did to me, own it, tell me he will never deny it or do it again, show me that he had trusted Christ and changed, and our relationship could have been restored. 

But, for now, he really needs to stop approaching me in a threatening manner.

~Tricia

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is in the news. Forgiveness is on talk shows. Forgiveness is prominent in the minds of counselors.  I have heard it touted as the way to move on after victimization with the idea that a person can't move on until they forgive whomever has hurt them.

I disagree.

Forgiveness is hard and vastly unattainable, whether people admit that or not.  The idea that a person has to forgive in order to move on is not an appropriate response to lack of forgiveness.  It is simply not true.  I want to share a few thoughts on forgiveness which I hope will relieve a struggling person if they run across and read this blog post.

I am not against forgiveness, nor do I want to teach others to hold grudges.  My aim is to set the record straight about forgiveness because I see a lot of people being brow-beat by a demand to forgive, without offenders being required to repent.  This demand is out of their reach and they do not need to forgive in order to move on.  That is a worldly, humanistic view, not at all grounded in Scripture.

A few facts about forgiveness:

• Forgiveness is not ours to demand or require - Daniel 9:9 - "To the Lord our God belong mercies and forgiveness."
•  Demanding or requiring forgiveness further victimizes the victim.  This type of demand goes against Jesus' claim that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:29, 30)  His yoke is easy because He owns our capabilities to forgive, move on and heal.  The key is right there in His Words, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me....."  It is God Who works in us to heal our hearts unto repentance. 
• Forgiveness requires intent from the unforgiven.  Luke 19:3& 4 talk about forgiving a brother and it states "If he repent, forgive......."  I John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins...."  If.  I have seen counselors demand forgiveness even directed toward people who are not repenting.  Repentance is foundational to our faith.  But, we are led to repentance by the Holy Spirit of God.  He leads us to repentance resulting in salvation by faith - faith which He gives.  It's all God, all the time, in all ways.

Based on these simple truths, I do not ever require forgiveness from the people I help.  I am a domestic violence survivor.  I know abuse. I know what it does to a person and what it takes to heal and not live under the cloud of abuse residue.  Forgiveness is not the key to healing and moving on.  The key to healing and moving on is Jesus Christ, the Compassionate Savior Who understands our hurting hearts when we don't feel we can forgive. 

I am not a big supporter of counseling.  My heart is healed from my abuse and I never had any counseling.  My Counselor has been the Lord Jesus Christ from the time He saved me until even now, and really even before He saved me.......and He will remain so.  The healing process takes a different amount of time for each person as He works in us to do of His good pleasure. The key is consistent exposure to solid, Biblical, expository preaching.  Titus 1:3 tells us that God manifests (makes known) His Word through preaching.  It's the preaching, people.  It has been overlooked in counseling circles. It has been scorned, ridiculed and blasted by many mainstream counselors, who may or may not partake of the preaching themselves.  If a counselor was going to practice counseling, yet they did not, themselves, partake of regular, expository preaching of the Word of God, they are disqualified already.

When I do talk to someone who has been abused, I never, ever tell them they ought to forgive their abuser. I know for a fact that telling them they ought to forgive further victimizes them and I am not about to further victimize someone who has already suffered.  So, what do I tell them?  I tell them about Jesus Christ, His compassion, His easy yoke, His understanding of their suffering since He also suffered.   And I tell them that He owns forgiveness.  And I tell them that it's ok to fear; it's ok to be angry; it's ok to feel anything and everything they feel since Jesus knows their feelings and can certainly handle them.

Forgiveness? It's a given when Jesus is the One doing the healing in a person's heart.  Let's not push for forgiveness.  Don't even ask.    Have enough faith to not even bring it up except in the context of what Jesus is capable of - which is EVERYTHING. Jesus, Himself, that great Counselor, will lead their hearts to forgiveness while they are moving on, it won't stop them from moving on - and their inability to forgive will be a thing of the past.  Jesus Christ is perfectly able to handle any and all human emotion, even anger, despair, fear, unforgiveness, etc.  We often act as though our feelings would shock Him and we must lie to ourselves and those around us for His acceptance.  Silly. He already knows the WHOLE truth, yet still loves us all and died for us.  

Imagine that.

Praise be.

~Tricia