How Michelle Duggar Helped Fuel her Son's Infidelity

I work with and help people in abusive situations and I long ago recognized the Duggars as abusive.

In previous blog posts, I mentioned how Josh was a victim of his father's obsession with sex. Jim Duggar could not go one episode of their TV show without mentioning or referring to sex in some way. Even recently, with their show cancelled, he made a cringe-worthy comment on a vlog at a family friend's wedding. He does not get it.

Josh's mom, Michelle Duggar has also fueled a sex addiction for her son. She has repeatedly stated that men have a "need" for sex and advises wives to never, ever say no to sex with their husband, even if they are tired or not feeling well. She said, "Anyone can make him a sandwich, but only the wife can fulfill that physical need for love he has."

No, no, no. Sex is not a need. There is no such thing as a "physical need for love." Josh was openly taught that he needed this. When this turns into a need, a  young man like Josh, who has had no introduction to the world whatsoever, can only see that "need" and will seek to fulfill it in any way he can, in or out of marriage. He was never taught where to draw the line. He was not taught what the Bible says about this; he was taught what Bill Gothard says about this.

He was raised in a patriarchal society where men are always in charge and women are always submissive. Michelle's teachings fit right in....if he wants sex, he gets sex, no matter what. They even excused his reprehensible behavior of molesting his sleeping sisters by saying "this happens a lot" in homes. No. No it doesn't.

This is the exact opposite of what Jesus teaches. It's beyond me how women can sit under that teaching and nod their heads in agreement while they feel all godly doing it. They are nodding to oppression. They are nodding to abuse. They are nodding to the demise of the family they so long for and hold dear. Strong women who stand up to oppression and abuse make for strong families. Women who hide behind a faux-godly facade with a submissive pose do not make for strong families. They belie the very family they are trying to create.

Jesus teaches that men are to love their wives sacrificially. Always sacrificing their felt needs for the benefit of their wife. Always. Jesus, Himself, was the ultimate example of this, sacrificing His life on the cross for us all.

However, this is not an excuse for Josh's behavior. The Bible teaches us that we sin because we are drawn away of our own lusts and enticed. (James 1:14)

The Duggars have stated that "many" people have struggled like Josh and they have taken comfort in this. How odd for professing Christians to take comfort in the sin of others.

Anna Duggar's father stated that "King David had an affair," which is also disturbing because he
appears to justify Josh's actions. King David paid dearly for his sins in the loss of his and Bathsheba's son. King David also owned his sin and did not bring up the sins of others in an attempt to justify or minimize it.

I fear for the Duggar family and the remaining children because all the kids, boys included, were taught what Josh was taught. The boys were (are) taught that they need sex and the girls are taught to provide it without exception.

If you study the FLDS cult in OK and UT, you will see very similar teachings. While the Duggars, as far as we know, do not practice polygamy, many of their teachings are the very same as Warren Jeff's, the FLDS leader imprisoned for child rape and sexual assault. Men lead and take charge, women submit, always, in everything, no exceptions, right down to their hair style and clothes.

Because the Duggar's erroneous teachings have been so public, it deserves a public admonishment. Women, stop taking a back seat in your marriages and in your homes. Yes, we are to submit, as the Bible says, to our own husbands, but that is all. And, your husband cannot make you submit; your submission is between you and God and no one else. Submission, by its very definition, is voluntary; no one but God has any say in your submission.

More than the Bible teaches submission of wives, It teaches submission of all people to all other people. Ephesians 5:22 is often cited as a powerful verse for marriage, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord," but the previous verse is often ignored, "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." We don't get to take one portion of a passage of Scripture and not the rest. When you take Ephesians 5 in its full context, it's teaching submission to one another. The previous verses (18-20) are talking about being filled with the spirit, not drunk with wine, and speaking to each other in psalms and hymns and singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord and giving thanks. 

It's so interesting that the Duggars teach that men "need" sex because the Bible does not teach this. This is secular humanistic teaching. I Corinthians 5:7 admonishes couples, not just wives, "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." As you can clearly see, this verse speaks of mutuality. The husband is not to call the shots any more than the wife is. His desires are not put before hers, but they are mutual. For more mutuality in marriage, read Song of Solomon. The bride and bridegroom equally pursue one another. There is no male "need" for sex taught in Scripture. 

I fear for the Duggar children. I fear for the many who sat under the Duggars' teachings at conferences, church events and seminars. Oppression of women is not easily overcome. It gets into a woman's mindset about herself, her relationship to others and, most importantly, her relationship with God. 

People, this is not what fundamental Christianity is about. This is not what the Bible is about. This is not what Jesus Christ is about. The Duggars and other like them fail to see what the Bible says. They follow "principles" they've learned from some other person, not Christ. 

Look to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of your faith. 
Throw away your Biblical principles and look to Jesus.
So-called Biblical principles will lead you down sin's road, either by blatant sin or pride of not sinning outwardly. 
Either way, you lose and your family loses.
Look to Jesus.
~Tricia

Why Forgiveness Should Not be the Duggars' Focus

Whether Jessa Seewald's Instagram picture of the words of I John were related to her brother's sins of adultery and porn addiction or not, there seems to be a focus on forgiving him. This is problematic for a number of reasons.

Forgiveness, while it can be granted, should not be their focus. Their focus should be Anna and those kids. The only way for the Duggars to come out of all this not smelling like manure is to focus on Anna and the kids. You can bet Anna is not okay. This Facebook post by Jessica Krammes Kirkland sums it up wonderfully and I agree with her wholeheartedly. Click here to read the post.

I don't know Jessica but I commend her for writing this. She is absolutely right. She's 100% on target. We do a horrible disservice to our daughters when we minimize them. This is why forgiving Josh should not be the Duggars' focus. They ought to be focusing on Anna and those kids, only.

Forgiveness is a gift. 

Forgiveness cannot be demanded.

When a perpetrator demands forgiveness, he is further abusing his victim.

If you have watched the Duggars' reality TV show, you have seen Anna be a victim of their self-promoting focus before. Watch carefully. She has been minimized by this family, her childrens' needs have been secondary and she's had to put on her smile and act like everything is ok. Some episodes clearly show that everything was not ok with her. My heart has gone out to her from the start.

~Tricia

Warning! I Saw it coming and Signs of Abuse to Look For

Last night, my husband asked me if I'd seen the latest news about Josh Duggar. I had not. I have blogged about the Duggars before, so he knew of my interest in their false representation of Christianity, which I blogged to refute. The latest news of Josh's accounts at the infidelity website, AshleyMadison.com, was news to me, but not altogether a surprise.

I knew there was more. I believe there is still more than this, we just don't know it yet.

You can read his statement here. He made this statement after he was busted, which gives it less of an impact than it would have had if he had owned the sin a few months ago when he was hiding behind his youth in his other offenses.

As I said in another, related blog post, Josh comes by this behavior and tendency quite naturally, and not just because of his inborn sin nature, which we all share. He grew up in a climate of sexual abuse and sexual exploitation, given freely to him by his father. Even recently, Jim Duggar proved that he doesn't "get it" by making inappropriate remarks at a family friend's wedding.

He and wife, Michelle, further proved that they don't "get it" by stating, "...we are not a perfect family...."

We need to be aware of what this language means. When someone caught in the spotlight of their own sin reminds the world that they are not perfect, this is an attempt to deflect whatever shame, disgrace and humiliation they are feeling.

To claim imperfection is a minimization of sin.
Everyone knows that no one is perfect.
Stating the obvious is an attempt to deflect the sin.
Deflecting the sin is not dealing with the sin.

In his statement, Josh did refer to his behavior as "sin," which is accurate, but by the end of the statement it was a "bad example," and "personal failure." This is not terminology of repentance. Yes, it was a bad example and, yes, it was a personal failure, but it was and is so much more than that. Those are terms others can come to use once they work through the admission and forgiveness aspect of his sins. Those are not terms he, himself, or his family, should use.

Lest you think I'm unforgiving, don't be fooled. I do believe Josh's sins can be forgiven. Of course. Forgiveness is the foundation of our faith because those of us who believe Jesus is our Savior have experienced forgiveness first hand. Jesus says, many times, to people He personally interacted with, "Go and sin no more." He expected their lives to change. He never told them to stop having personal failures because personal failures are inevitable. He never told them to stop being a bad example because we humans are going to be bad examples at times. He told them to stop living their sinful lifestyle. He didn't mince words and neither should we when we deal with these things.

However, the Duggars' issues go further than Josh's infidelity. They go further than his lying. They go further than his hypocrisy.

Raising children in a sexual climate, as the Duggars have, is abuse.

The Duggars have claimed persecution through their various scandals, but they are wrong. They are not being persecuted for their faith. They have mocked faith, have mocked God and His Word.

They are reaping what they have sown.
It's sad.
It's heartbreaking.
It's sin.

World, this is not what Christianity looks like. The Duggars do not represent evangelical Christianity at all.

Evangelical Christianity does not have a dress code where the women are put into skirts for every single activity they ever do and boys must always, always wear long pants.
Evangelical Christianity does not have a hair style requirement in which girls have to have long, flowing hair and boys' hair has to be short and parted on one side.
Evangelical Christianity does not have a set of "Biblical principles" to live by.
Evangelical Christianity is Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, crucified, dead, buried and risen again.

Because I often spot sex abusers within the walls of Christianity before others, I have often been asked how I know. There are a few things to look for.

1. People in "ministry" who name their ministry after themselves. This is rampant. This is a warning sign of something not so Godly. Steer clear. I do.
2. People who often use language that deflects negative attention off themselves. Deflecting language is very popular and often hard to recognize because it can often bring up guilt, making you feel as though you can't say anything because "after all, they admitted they are not perfect." "I'm not perfect" does not work for me.
3. Men who have strict rules and roles for women. One of the most important things a sexual predator or abuser needs to do is reign in the women in his life (or society). These men are not Christ-like. Jesus did not reign in women; He actually chose a woman to be the first to tell the story of His resurrection (and there are many, many more stories of Jesus' interactions with women, none of which are oppressive to the women). In every abusive culture, the women are oppressed in some way, hushed and given a back seat to the men. Run, run as fast as you can from such a place.
4. People who tell you how godly they are. We attended a church once where the pastor told the people how godly he was in every single service. We didn't last 6 months there. When someone touts their own perceived godliness, you can bet they have something to hide. This is another attempt to deflect negative attention from themselves. If someone tells me they are godly, I steer clear of that person and warn my family.
5. People who compare their lives to others and always come out on top. The Duggars do this often, prefacing sentences with "Other families (do this or that) but we (do something godlier)." Comparing themselves to others - and always coming out on top - is a very common tactic of abusers.

Maybe I need to make a more comprehensive list. I do know that reading and studying God's Word for oneself is a sure antidote to abuse of all kinds. We are told to study His Word, yet I find the vast majority of Christians using some study book or commentary instead of the Bible itself. I find this troubling. It's disturbing to me to see Christians using commentaries as study tools. They are not. But, that is fodder for another blog post.

There is hope for Josh in the blood of Jesus Christ.
Because of Jesus, he can own his sin and not be crushed by it.
Since they are so public and prefer to be public and since Josh included me in his statement, I think it's important to set the record straight: the Duggars do not represent Christianity. They represent a set of rules, not found in Scripture, that help them live their abusive lifestyle.

Thanks be to God for His unspeakable gift in Jesus Christ.
~Tricia

Why the Duggars' Problem will Continue

It's good that the Duggars explained a few things last night in their interview with Fox News host Megyn Kelly. I was disturbed, however, by their minimization of the abuse. A few minimizations I heard included:

When Megyn Kelly asked about further abuse and some touching that took place under the clothes, Jim Duggar was quick to reply, "Oh, that only took place for a few seconds."

Is it only valid if it lasts longer?

The Duggars used minimizing language throughout the interview. This is cause for grave concern. 

He said they talked to numerous families and found out this happens "a lot" in families they know and some have even worse things happen in their family. Strangely, he found a lot of comfort in this fact. To know that "a lot" of families are having sexual assault go on in their midst is beyond disturbing to me. But, if the families they talked to were "Gothard" families, then there is no surprise. This is what Gothard's material has taught all along.

I can't imagine my kids not being allowed to hide together during hide and seek because I feared one would sexually assault the other. Can you imagine? Suddenly, all boys were ranked as dangerous around their sisters.....they said "Boys don't babysit," which is also weird. Am I the only one who finds this weird?

Some people have cried out that Lena Dunham has not been raked over the coals for sexually abusing her younger sister, but Josh Duggar has been "crucified," as one blogger put it. The difference is clear: Lena Dunham has never claimed to know Christ, has never claimed to live by any "Biblical principles" that the Duggars claim to live by. Through the tenure of their TLC show, the Duggars held themselves up as godly people who are the ultimate example of good, Christian living. They hailed themselves as righteous, publicly compared themselves to others and always came out on top. Hailing themselves as righteous is part of their problem. Self-praise is a trap.

They openly bragged on their children, effectively creating an expectation that they could not fulfill. They don't get to claim to be "attacked" by people who are only expecting them to live up to the expectations, they, themselves set. When we separate ourselves from the world to the level which the Duggars did, publicly claim that we are above the world, publicly proclaim our own perceived righteousness, we will fall harder when we fall. And the fall is sure because the expectation is faulty.

The world, which has been condemned by the Duggars over and over again, suddenly finds itself doing better than they. There are many, many families in the world who do not claim to know Christ, yet they have had no sexual abuse in their home. This goes for all types of families. The world is confused by what appears to be a double standard.  No one has ever had such expectations of Lena. I, personally, expect her to act like the depraved sin-worshiping person she is and nothing more. She does not claim to be morally or spiritually superior.

This is more than a teenage boy unspeakably satisfying his curiosity about girls. This is a boy who was grounded in Biblical principles instead of the Bible and the gospel. The result? The boy did not know his limits. Following principles instead of throwing ourselves on the mercy of the gospel produces this every time. This is why the gospel is so relevant to every day family life.

Should this abuse have been made public? Absolutely not! I hope the Duggars do sue their county or state or whoever is responsible for leaking juvenile records. Whoever leaked or sold the information was wrong.

The Duggars' problems will persist, however, because they are not willing to deal with the underlying problem of dependence on man-made principles instead of the gospel of God.

Moral of the story: Don't hold yourself or your family up to a standard above anyone else. You are not better than anyone else. And, just don't put your family on TV.  (Am I the only one who thinks it's weird to use a forum you despise to promote yourself?)

~Tricia

Why I Won't Shut Up about the Duggars

Some people are ready to move on from the Duggar scandal, forgive and forget and put them back on the air. There's a petition people are circulating to get TLC to put them back on the air. In that petition, it states, "The world needs more families like the Duggars." No, it really doesn't.

I am not so hasty. The Duggars' scandal is deeper than even the atrocities committed against the young women Josh sexually assaulted. It's representative of a deeper problem within evangelical churches. This article by Lyz Lenz, explains the deeper problem well.

The solution is not going to come from changing policy within evangelical churches. The solution is going to come from women standing up for themselves and no longer tolerating abuse and being forced to protect abusers. Lyz Lenz's article explains how women are blamed and held responsible for much of male abuse. She's right and this is insane.

The solution to stopping abuse within evangelical churches is for women to rise up and stop it.

We are daughters of Abraham. Since when does a daughter of Abraham have to stand down?

We have to say a collective "NO" when it comes to abuse of all kinds.

We are the only ones who can stop this epidemic in our churches.

When abuse happens and we are told to forgive and the abuser gets off with a simple apology, we have to push for more.

As Lyz Lenz said in her article, "Abusive personalities seek closed systems in which to abuse, and the mainstream Evangelical church provides that in spades." And she is right. We women have to reject the idea of a closed system and make the decision that no abuse will be hidden, that no abuse will go unreported, that no abuse will be allowed to continue and that abusers do not get off with a simple apology.

No doubt, God is full of mercy, grace and truth. He is also full of justice. Those who let a sex offender off with a simple apology are practicing cheap grace. Grace is free, but it was not cheap.

We women have power to stop abuse in our churches. It's high time we exercised that power.

We can't allow ourselves to be part of the problem....part of a system that covers up, minimizes and allows this abuse to continue.

Let no one silence you as you speak out to stop abuse. As a daughter of Abraham, no one has the power or authority to stop you from stopping abuse.

~Tricia

I Know Exactly What to do About Bill Cosby

I read an article in Christianity Today about the Bill Cosby scandal wherein the author of the article, Laura Leonard, stated that she does not know what to do about Cosby in light of his abuses having come to light. I can help Laura because I know exactly what to do.

First, care for the victims. They not only need acknowledgement that what was done to them was wrong, that they did nothing to deserve the abuse, that they did not bring it on, they also need to know they are not alone. The isolation that sexual abuse brings is nearly as devastating as the act itself. Many of these abused women have said they thought they were the only one. That's very isolating, especially when the perpetrator is so famous and loved by the world.

Second, give the victims a voice. The focus needs to be on the victims and we, as a society, should show our outrage over their abuse. We should collectively denounce his behavior and show compassion to the victims, giving them time to not only process the fact that their victimization is no longer a secret, but give them time to grieve as necessary and seek wise counsel.

Third, seek justice for the victims. The Living God is the God of justice and violators should be prosecuted and punished for their crimes. There's a reason there is no statute of limitation on some crimes; they are too hideous to be limited by time.

Fourth, realize who the perpetrator really is. People have said they learned so much from Bill Cosby on The Cosby Show and it impacted their lives and that Bill Cosby's character, Heathcliff Huxtable, was such a great dad, etc. I have news for you. You did not learn all those life lessons from Bill Cosby. He was simply the actor who portrayed an image assigned to him. The writers of the show taught you all those things. It was the writers. Bill Cosby played a part. That's all it was. Television programming is not real; it is filled with people playing parts and play-acting roles they are assigned. Bill Cosby was an actor playing a part, that is all. The fact that our society mixes up actors with their roles on TV shows is quite disturbing to me. His "job" as a great TV dad was nothing more than a role assigned to him, for which he received a hefty paycheck.

So, I hope Laura finds this helpful so that she'll know what to do about Cosby. I, for one, will be glad if his show, now in syndicated status, is off the air for good. The networks were wise to remove 7th Heaven when Steven Collins' sins were found out.

It seems to me that the world knows better than Christians when it comes to what to do about abuse. While the world immediately took action on Bill Cosby, Steven Collins and others, the Duggars, while proclaiming themselves "Christian," continue to promote Bill Gothard's teachings and will not separate themselves, even in light of his sexual abuse of more than 35 young women. They continue to distribute his literature, use his resources and will not condemn his behaviors. This is suspicious to me. (Add this to the fact that Jim Bob Duggar hardly ever gets through even one episode of their show without making some sort of inappropriate sexual comment, even toward his own daughters. Am I the only one who finds this grossly disturbing? By his own admission, he can't even give them a platonic hug.)

~Tricia